91 lines
4.5 KiB
Plaintext
91 lines
4.5 KiB
Plaintext
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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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enlightenment
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i have moments where i understand everything
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about life, the universe, and most importantly,
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how the pattern weaves itself together so
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tightly and unendingly. protons and quarks,
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planets and poetry, music and literature,
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calculus and algebra, freud and jung.. they all
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become sewn together in my mind, and i can
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see the threads that bind them, slim and shiny,
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and i *know*, for one painful moment, why
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everything is.
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then i lose it.
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less frequently, i have realizations about myself.
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fortunately i rarely lose the lesson i learned
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during that moment of self-enlightenment, but
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they only happen once every few years, and the
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periods between are fraught with inner pain and
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an agonizing hollow sensation, as if i am merely
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waiting for that next moment of knowing so that
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i can piece together my reason for being before
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i can go on with the actual business of living.
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i had one such moment yesterday. suddenly, everything
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has become clear, and it is now, today, that the
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business of living can begin. i feel an inner peace
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so overwhelming that i can describe it only as a
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quasi religious experience, but as an agnostic, i
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cannot quite attribute this sensation to god or
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buddha or anything of that nature.
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i have spent my entire life feeling alone. i know
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that many others in this world have this same
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experience, yet i felt different in a way that no
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one seemed to be able to relate to. i have thoughts
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that do not mesh with experience of others. my
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past is dark and dirty. my brain works too quickly.
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i can almost hear the thoughts and feelings of others.
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i hallucinate. being around people is uncomfortable
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for me because of these oddities that float around
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in my mind. i feel like a freak. i thought that
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i was depressed and unhappy, and that it was all
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merely mental anguish that could be cured with a few
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years therapy and some carefully chosen drugs.
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i was wrong. i am happy this way. i like being alone.
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i like creating things at 3 a.m., coffee cup in
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hand. i like writing long stories that i never
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bother to get published. i like reading books
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that hurt my brain and working out how the author
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came to the conclusions she did. i like sketching
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my odd thoughts on paper. i like observing people,
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but not interacting with them. my existence is
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entirely cerebral and internal to myself, and it
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has become obvious that i am not capable of
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sharing that, that no one in this world can
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comprehend the things i say and do, and i am
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quite happy this way. i don't need anyone. no one
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needs to understand me, because i am not to be
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understood. i only have to exist, and someday i
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would like to find a way to share my inner world
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with others, but not now. it isn't finished yet.
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demonika
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= Questions, Comments, Bitches, Ideas, Rants, Death Threats, Submissions =
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= Mail: jericho@dimensional.com (Mail is welcomed) =
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= To receive new issues through mail, mail jericho@dimensional.com with =
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= "subscribe fuck". If you do not have FTP access and would like back =
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= issues, send a list of any missing issues and they will be mailed. =
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= AnonFTP FTP.DIMENSIONAL.COM/users/jericho/FUCK =
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= FTP.SEKURITY.ORG/pub/zines/fucked.up.college.kids =
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= FTP.GIGA.OR.AT/pub/hackers/zines/FUCK =
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= FTP.ETEXT.ORG/pub/Zines/FUCK =
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= WWW http://www.dimensional.com/~jericho =
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= http://www.reps.net/~krypt/fuck.html =
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= http://www.simunye.com/fuck =
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= (c) Copyright. All files copyright by the original author. =
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