94 lines
5.6 KiB
Plaintext
94 lines
5.6 KiB
Plaintext
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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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More....
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--------
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*sighs* He has not called me again... I am not sure what I am supposed to
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do, or what I am supposed to say... I know that we have just met each
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other, but, I have not heard from him in days... Yes, we only went out on
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one date, but, does this lack of response mean that he does not want to see
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me anymore? What is wrong with me, that he does not want to see me? Did I
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say something wrong? Did I do something wrong? Does he even remember my
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name?
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Life on line is not even half as complicated... People lie to you, sure,
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but, at least they either pretend to like you or tell you to go away.. Why
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can't -real- life be like that? Why is it once I turn my 'puter off, things
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suddenly seem dreary? Why can my real life not look like the one that I
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have on line? When will it ever occur to me just not to log off? Sure, I
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am just one of the millions on line, the nameless, hidden drones, the sad
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and lonely looking for the life that they are missing...
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I have often wondered why it is that there seem to be so many lonely people
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on line, and so few in the -real- world... Why can I never find these men
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craving love in my own life? Why do they all have to be hundreds of miles
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away? Why do I feel like the only lonely person in the world, knowing that
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there is no one near me, even remotely close to me, that will be there for
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me? What is wrong with me?
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I talked to my virtual lover again today... Dreaming about him lately does
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nothing but upset me, and I am finding that I will have to replace him very
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soon... He no longer fills the void in my life.. No longer makes me smile
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at his childish antics... No more makes me crave his presence.... He no
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longer does anything for me... I am not sure when he stopped being my
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drug... Numbing the pain that surrounded me... The pain that invaded my
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soul... The same pain that makes me laugh when -he- talks about my
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heart... What heart? I gave that damn thing up years ago... The minute
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that I came on line, and realized that there was a life for me here... A
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place where I could be accepted... A place where I could always find some
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lamer to impress... A place where I could rule... and be respected...
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I don't want to turn my 'puter off tonight... I am strangely affected by
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this pain lately... It makes me want to cry... I have not cried in
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years... And yet, the thought of turning off my sustenance, it makes me
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flinch... As though I was a coma patient waiting for someone to pull the
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plug... I will die without it....
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Why has he not called me? It has been days... Four days, actually...
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Should I call him? Does he want to hear from me? Am I simply a nuisance
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to him? God damn it... Why can I not understand real people anymore? I
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used to know what to do... Now, I just want to log on... I know how
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things work here... Why don't they work in real life? Why are people so
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hurtful... so mean... so... vivid... in real life? Where are all the
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lonely people? Why are they not here with me, lamenting over the state of
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the world, telling me that they are here for good? When did 'forever' go
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from meaning just that to meaning 'until I tire of you'? What is it about
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me that drives everyone away?
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I called him at work.... He sounded happy to hear from me... He even put
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someone on hold to talk to me... Does this mean that all is well? Does it
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mean that I should call him again? Or, does it mean that he will now call
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me? Had he forgotten me? Or was he just busy, like we can all get at
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times... *sighs* Ah well... Back to sitting beside the phone, waiting
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for him... Wanting him... Hoping against all hope that he will take me
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away from myself... That this time, when I hear 'forever', I can believe
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it.... That I can get back that part of me.. the part that felt
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-any-thing... The part that I thought lost forever.... If only forever
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didn't mean just that this time.... *sighs*
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Jade.
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= Questions, Comments, Bitches, Ideas, Rants, Death Threats, Submissions =
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= Mail: jericho@dimensional.com (Mail is welcomed) =
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= To receive new issues through mail, mail jericho@dimensional.com with =
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= "subscribe fuck". If you do not have FTP access and would like back =
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= issues, send a list of any missing issues and they will be mailed. =
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= AnonFTP FTP.DIMENSIONAL.COM/users/jericho/FUCK =
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= FTP.SEKURITY.ORG/pub/zines/fucked.up.college.kids =
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= FTP.GIGA.OR.AT/pub/hackers/zines/FUCK =
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= FTP.ETEXT.ORG/pub/Zines/FUCK =
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= WWW http://www.dimensional.com/~jericho =
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= http://www.reps.net/~krypt/fuck.html =
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= http://www.simunye.com/fuck =
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= http://www.dis.org/se7en/fuck =
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= (c) Copyright. All files copyright by the original author. =
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