106 lines
5.2 KiB
Plaintext
106 lines
5.2 KiB
Plaintext
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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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Velvet Without
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Going into my room, I close the door, and walk over to my bed, laying down, I
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grab the bear that I had gotten for a Christmas present the day before, and
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close my eyes, as I curl up on the bed.
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Wearing all black velvet, I do not even feel like I am me. Jewlery that I
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had bought or was given to me, shiny and bright. A necklace, a ring. Simple
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but just right.
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Hugging on to the bear, I fall into a sleep.
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Sometimes I wish I could just stay there. Not having to face the ones within
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the house, nor the outside world. Do not answer the phone, just turn the
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ringer off. No communication with anyone, outside of my own little world.
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Would I at least stay happy that way? Safe?
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Could I really live that way? I really wonder.
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For once, I am laying on my bed, and in my room with -no- music! Something
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that probably happens once every so many blue moons.
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Totally relaxed and calm, just waiting for me to decide to look into my own
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world.
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Having written the letters I've been meaning to write, and having heard from
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some that I had only hoped to, I was comforted by the fact that there was
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someone that cared.
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Little did I know, that I was only fooling myself.
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The mind is a powerful thing to waste, I have always heard. And since it is
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so powerful, it can often play tricks on you, or is it my heart that has
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played this hand?
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Hearing the voices outside of my door, I do not even make an attempt to move.
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Let them think I am only sleeping and not hearing a word, no one ended up
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coming in, to find out either way.
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Curling up a bit more, because the heat is not on, and even though it is only
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dark and gloomy, brown and gray outside, with no snow in sight - it is still
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very cold.
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More thoughts flutter through my mind, as I recall the words from the vine. I
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should have known better, and not trusted my heart, for he only came in to go
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on without.
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I know what I need to do, and what I should do, but neither is something I
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want to do. It would be best for me, sometimes I think if I would just
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simply disappear. Then I would not need to deal with it ... and maybe he'd
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realize how much he really -does- care. Again, I am only fooling myself.
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Drifting in and out of a dream, that I will never remember, I wonder if I will
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live the rest of my life this way ... and I wish that I could only remain as
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simple as I wanted.
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Hours later someone comes in, waking me up after several attempts. I did not
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want to wake, nor did I want to do any thing they asked. But, I did as they
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asked, and smiled while doing it. I know I should be thankful, but at times
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I really wish I could always remain laying there, knowing I am pretty, and
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not have to worry about a thing.
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Even though, I was laying there though, I was not fully me. Me wearing all
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black velvet with jewlery that shines? That is not me, is it? Sometimes, I
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have heard of people comparing themselves to a mix of colors, and I need to
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wonder if people ever compare themselves to materials ... cloths. And, I
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wonder what I would consider myself to be, shaking my head what a silly
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thought. Even if everyone did, I would not.
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Always striving to be me, and living towards my hearts guidance, I really
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lay back and wonder now, if it has all been worth it. None of the scales of
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reality need to weigh in my world, but the world itself, is not of my own
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making. So, I dare to get up and rise out of this bed, to begin a new day
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with no velvet or jewlery.
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-Kamira
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December 27th, 1997
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kami@sekurity.org
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www.sekurity.org/~kamira
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= Questions, Comments, Bitches, Ideas, Rants, Death Threats, Submissions =
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= Mail: jericho@dimensional.com (Mail is welcomed) =
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= "subscribe fuck". If you do not have FTP access and would like back =
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= issues, send a list of any missing issues and they will be mailed. =
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= AnonFTP FTP.DIMENSIONAL.COM/users/jericho/FUCK =
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= FTP.SEKURITY.ORG/pub/zines/fucked.up.college.kids =
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= FTP.GIGA.OR.AT/pub/hackers/zines/FUCK =
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= FTP.ETEXT.ORG/pub/Zines/FUCK =
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= WWW http://www.dimensional.com/~jericho =
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= http://www.reps.net/~krypt/fuck.html =
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= http://www.simunye.com/fuck =
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= http://www.dis.org/se7en/fuck =
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= (c) Copyright. All files copyright by the original author. =
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