104 lines
5.4 KiB
Plaintext
104 lines
5.4 KiB
Plaintext
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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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Don't Give a Shit
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Have you ever had a day when you have woken up only to look around, and
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think about the night before, and realize something?
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Waking up this morning, getting out of bed, and looking around my room, I
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realized something about myself, or my own life. That realization is not
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anything I wanted to realize, though I doubt most realization are ... that
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is what makes them so surprising or clarifying at times.
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A few of months ago I told someone exactly how I felt towards them, and
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since then things have been so weird. It was not until the last several
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days, (or has it already been a couple of weeks?) things have not even been
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close to the same.
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We were becoming close friends, and both offered to be there for the other
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when the other needed us. With my life being the way it has been, I have
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tried to reach out to this person, and not just lean on them, since they
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probably cannot deal with just me pouring things out to them. As time has
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passed though, things have seemed to become so swirly and no longer make
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much sense - except that this person just does not give a shit about me.
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Several months ago, I was hurt very badly and deeply by someone, and
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because of everything that person and I had been through, I did not want to
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just be a mega-bitch to them and screw up everything. They had meant so
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much to me. One day when I was out in a store with someone, I saw a ring.
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It was a silver and gold ring that had five hearts on it. Every other heart
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was turned the opposite way. I decided to buy and wear this ring everyday,
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to help remind me to have a heart in dealing with him and others. It would
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have been so much easier for me to crawl away and avoid others, and close
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myself off to those very things that were causing me to take so much time
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and think things through and hurt...the feelings. I knew though that if I
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did that, I would just end up right back where I had started from a half of
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a year previous to that, so I decided I needed to hold on to what was left
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of my heart.
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Everyday I wore the ring, and every time I looked at it, I remembered.
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Recently, I was in the state that the person lived in. It turned out once
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again the person was "too busy" to even go the couple of hours to see me,
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so instead I hung out with a couple of my friends that I have had for the
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last several years. On the morning I left the hotel, and was a half of an
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hour away, I realized that I had left my heart ring on the counter in the
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first floor bathroom.
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My heart ring was gone. Now there is nothing for me to wear everyday, and
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always remember to keep a heart, even when I did not want to.
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Was it just irony, symbolism or a fluke that I forgot my ring?
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That is something I am still trying to figure out. As the couple of days
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have passed, I find myself repeatedly reaching for a ring that is no longer
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there. Is it because the person is no longer in my life? Is it more than
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that? Or does it just mean that I should go out and get another ring?
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Believe it or not, there are two people that this has been written about,
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and I fear they are headed for the same result within my life. I do not
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want that, but how can you stop a speeding bullet when it is aimed right
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for you, and you cannot move, and have nothing to protect yourself?
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Insecurity, irony, symbolism, fate; what is the difference between all of
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these? Is it just easier to chalk something up to fate, instead of
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realizing that we have something lacking in our lives?
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If they did care about me, and no longer give a shit, why should I want
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them in my life anymore?
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Maybe it is time, that I just don't give a shit.
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- Kamira
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April 9, 1998
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kami@sekurity.org
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www.sekurity.org/~kamira
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= Questions, Comments, Bitches, Ideas, Rants, Death Threats, Submissions =
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= issues, send a list of any missing issues and they will be mailed. =
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= FTP.SEKURITY.ORG/pub/zines/fucked.up.college.kids =
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= FTP.DTO.NET /pub/zines/fuck =
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= FTP.ETEXT.ORG/pub/Zines/FUCK =
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= WWW http://www.dimensional.com/~jericho =
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= http://www.reps.net/~krypt/fuck.html =
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= http://www.simunye.com/fuck =
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= http://www.dis.org/se7en/fuck =
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= (c) Copyright. All files copyright by the original author. =
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