84 lines
4.7 KiB
Plaintext
84 lines
4.7 KiB
Plaintext
|
|
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
|
|
= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
|
|
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
|
|
|
|
And It Won't Make Any Difference
|
|
--------------------------------
|
|
|
|
I don't know if I'll even send this message, but I figure I should at
|
|
least write some of this crap out so I can get some sleep. Tomorrow is my
|
|
birthday. Somehow, I didn't think my life would be this way at this age;
|
|
that there was going to be like this. I expected more, but it didn't make
|
|
any difference.
|
|
|
|
Where's the family I was supposed to have by now? Where's the two kids,
|
|
the mortgage, a loving spouse? All I have is this empty house, two ex's,
|
|
and daily walks among strangers, none of whom I so much as exchange a word
|
|
with. Where's this life I thought I was going to have? It's like it's
|
|
all been slowly stripped away without my knowing, only to have myself
|
|
starkly reminded of it on this anniversary of my birth. I expected more
|
|
than this, but it didn't make any difference.
|
|
|
|
Some look at me and think me a success based on the work I do and the
|
|
knowledge and skills I possess. In a way, I see myself as a success in
|
|
that realm. Yet isn't work supposed to be something you do so that you can
|
|
support a family, give the ones you love a decent life and leave a lasting
|
|
legacy for your children? Isn't there supposed to be more to life than
|
|
merely doing one's job? Isn't there? And if there is, why don't I
|
|
deserve it? I expected better, but that didn't make any difference.
|
|
|
|
I really can't talk to anyone about this face to face. At the very core
|
|
of all this, I feel ashamed. Ashamed that, somehow, I've failed; that I
|
|
don't measure up; that I don't have what it takes. And each day goes by,
|
|
taking with it the likelihood that I'll ever catch up. And each passing
|
|
weekday of work eventually yields to the weekend and the quiet knowledge
|
|
that if I were to drop dead on a Friday evening, no-one would even know
|
|
until late Monday morning when I would fail to show up for work. A
|
|
sobering reality, but one I know all too well. I really expected more,
|
|
but that doesn't make any difference.
|
|
|
|
And counseling...*sigh*...more talk and no action. I can't see myself
|
|
talking about this shit every day with someone I'd have to pay to listen
|
|
to me. That seems an even greater insult than the hand already dealt to
|
|
me; that I'd have to pay someone to hear about my dreams unfulfilled and
|
|
expectations unmet, all in spite of my best efforts. My heart would be no
|
|
lighter for the telling. Indeed, the only thing that would get lighter
|
|
would be my wallet as I steadily drift toward age 40, then age 50, then
|
|
age 60, and so on. I'd expect more, but it wouldn't make any difference.
|
|
|
|
I feel very old today. And very alone. Yet no one really cares to hear
|
|
that. Feelings like that make people uncomfortable. Life's difficult
|
|
enough without adding that to the mix. So they wish me a 'Happy Birthday'
|
|
and I simply smile, shut up and carry on with my work. I put in my time,
|
|
go home, feed my pets, exercise, go to bed, get up, repeat. I guess it's
|
|
things like that which drive most people to an early grave.
|
|
|
|
But I'll manage...I always do. It's what's expected of me.
|
|
|
|
And it won't make any difference.
|
|
|
|
- anonymous
|
|
|
|
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
|
|
= Questions, Comments, Bitches, Ideas, Rants, Death Threats, Submissions =
|
|
= Mail: jericho@dimensional.com (Mail is welcomed) =
|
|
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
|
|
= To receive new issues through mail, mail jericho@dimensional.com with =
|
|
= "subscribe fuck". If you do not have FTP access and would like back =
|
|
= issues, send a list of any missing issues and they will be mailed. =
|
|
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
|
|
= AnonFTP FTP.DIMENSIONAL.COM/users/jericho/FUCK =
|
|
= FTP.SEKURITY.ORG/pub/zines/fucked.up.college.kids =
|
|
= FTP.DTO.NET /pub/zines/fuck =
|
|
= FTP.ETEXT.ORG/pub/Zines/FUCK =
|
|
= WWW http://www.sekurity.org/~fuck (temp down) =
|
|
= http://www.dimensional.com/~jericho =
|
|
= http://www.reps.net/~krypt/fuck.html =
|
|
= http://www.simunye.com/fuck =
|
|
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
|
|
= (c) Copyright. All files copyright by the original author. =
|
|
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
|
|
|
|
|