113 lines
5.8 KiB
Plaintext
113 lines
5.8 KiB
Plaintext
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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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Hipster Flare
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So I went shopping for jeans last night and it turned out
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to be one of the worst shopping experiences I have ever
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had. I have lost about 35 pounds, and all of the jeans I
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own, save one black pair, slide down my hips and make me
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look like one of those silly skaters with the butts of
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their pants hanging somewhere near their kneecaps. So,
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I decided it was high time I bought some jeans that fit -
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a present to myself, if you will.
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It was a terrible mistake. For years now I have purchased
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all of my jeans in the mens department. A glance through the
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jeans shelves told me that for some reason, men no longer
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come in my size - 27/29s. They came in my size last year,
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but apparently I am now too skinny and short to be a man.
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(Woah to the short, skinny man.) So I wandered over to
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the "8 - 20 year old" jeans in the little boys section,
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thinking that I might find something of value there, slightly
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disturbed that as a normal size 23 year old woman I had to
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look for jeans in the toddler section.
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Baggy. Loose fitting. A bizarre pair of jeans called
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"Student" that had legs that were as wide as - nay, wider -
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than the waist. I could not find, in the piles and piles of
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denim, anything that didn't look like something an out of
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work plumber or a 16th St. Mall homeless homegirl would wear.
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Even the "classic" jeans had wide legs and odd, sagged out
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asses. I was not to be deterred, however. I delved deeper,
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finally overjoyed to see something called "boot cut". I
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owned and loved a pair of boot cut jeans once - ever so
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slightly flared below the knee, perfect for sliding over my
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Doc Martens or riding boots, whichever was appropriate at
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the time. To my horror, these new boot cut jeans can only be
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described as bellbottoms. I threw them all down in disgust
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and walked to the teen/ young miss department, resigned to
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the fact that I would have to suffer with women's jeans.
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Women's jean designers must never wear their jeans. The
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high waists and strange pocket sizes make me (and women in
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general) look strangely out of proportion, with unusually
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wide asses. (Small, widely spaced pockets make butts look
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big. It's the way of the world.) But I figured, with my new
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slim size, that I could possibly find something that wouldn't
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make me look like an elephant and still be comfortable. I
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was horribly wrong.
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Hipster flare. Bellbottoms. More dreadful Student
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jeans. "Hard" jeans, which have an interesting color but
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a horrific shape. More boot cuts wearing the bellbottom
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shape, as if they were going to a masquerade. "Hi, I am
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really a nasty 70's style pair of denims, but I'll call
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myself boot cut to cause the frazzled shopper to scream
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in agony." Carpenter jeans. I had a pair of carpenter
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jeans once. They were the only things I could fit into
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when I was a fat teenager. I am just not gonna go there
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again. I finally found something called "Men's style jeans
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for Women." I snatched up a pair of 28/29's, thinking I could
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deal with something a little big in the waist to trade in
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for a lack of hipster flare, Hardness, or Student. Again,
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I was fooled. (Note: Men's jeans for woman do not have
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the size printed on the tag at the waist. It simply says,
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even for the largest size, S, presumably for "small." No
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wonder women have eating disorders. Jean designers insist
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that you be ashamed of your size, big or small.)
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In the dressing room I surveyed the fit in despair. Way
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too big in the legs. The back pockets were so wide in back
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I could SEE them in the front, crawling toward my hipbones
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like fat hands from a bad frat movie. Worse, the ass sagged,
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so I knew that they had been DESIGNED to look that way. I
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ripped them off in a frenzy, seized with the fear that
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never again would I be able to buy a simple pair of jeans.
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I left the store, annoyed. One of two things has happened.
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I am either too old to wear the "latest styles" or people
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have gone totally insane. I doubt that I am too old
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because I wear some pretty "hip" clothes to work and am
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perfectly fine with that. I have mountains of velvet and
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PVC and leather and satin, all of which I wear happily,
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not at all disturbed by the fact that I might be "too old"
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to wear them. So there is only one conclusion.
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Everyone has gone insane, and the average Gen X yuppie
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yearns to look like a homeless hipster wearing the latest,
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greatest, widest, hipster flares.
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demonika
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= Questions, Comments, Bitches, Ideas, Rants, Death Threats, Submissions =
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