83 lines
3.8 KiB
Plaintext
83 lines
3.8 KiB
Plaintext
s$
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$$ .d""b. .d""b. HOE E'ZINE #1008
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[-- $$""b. $$ $$ $$ $$ -- ------------------------------------------- --]
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$$ $$ $$ $$ $$ss$$ "The Craft"
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$$ $$ $$ $$ $$ by, Anodyne
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$$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ 1/22/00
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[-- $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ -- ------------------------------------------- --]
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$$ $$ "TssT" "TssT"
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Self-absorbed writers with large vocabularies choose to bless us
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with their unique viewpoints. By us, I mean the literate population with
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time to read.
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This narrows the group down to English majors and the few homeless
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people lucky enough to get in on President Carter's "Books for Bums"
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initiative.
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Given this audience, I can either discuss shoe repair or Chaucer.
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I like easy decisions. Unfortunately, while quite self-absorbed I am not
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cobbler enough to have a unique viewpoint on the subject.
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Instead, I will boldly strike out. After cursing the pitcher and
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sulking to the bench, the inning will be over and I will be able to write
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about writing at long last. It is a revered ancient art, the pastime of
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kings and philosophers, and the consolation of virgins. I just wish I
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could come up with a good idea for a pop-up book. At least there is some
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visual stimulation involved. Also, inch-high letters will prevent
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blindness before the age of fifty. Not to mention that an intelligent
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reader will find deep meaning in it anyway.
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I'm being honest here.
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Many aspiring authors ask me, "How do I get published?" Well,
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Johnny, the best thing to do is watch a lot of television and then buy
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one of those books about getting published. Take a cookie cutter to our
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collective least common denominator mind and press. Write about love and
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death but make sure nobody figures that out. In this way, you will be
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able to ensure that your fan club excludes those boorish English majors.
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I hope you don't mind the smell of gruel, Johnny.
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Writers often believe that Nature and the universe creep up to
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their ears in the middle of the night, whispering 'inspiratiiioooonnnnn...'
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That noise is either a leaky faucet or sex from across the hall, and the
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writers are lying there sobbing and dreaming of naked relatives. To be
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fair, some of them are smiling, not sobbing.
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Writers DO have a gift. It just shouldn't be unwrapped.
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So, everybody wants to express themselves and writing is not the
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only way. Artists also use the mediums of painting and sculpture. This
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art falls into one of two categories: unusual representations of
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genitalia, or copies of things ordinary people see everyday. An ordinary
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person is defined as anybody who leaves home on a regular basis. Artists
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are required to use the phrase with derision.
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Music and dance are other widely popular forms of expression.
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Dance is the ability to make it look like you are having sex while moving
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around a room or stage. You also have to jump and sweat more. Music is
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just the sound you hear while dancing or actually having sex.
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This leads to a discussion of physical contact and the sex act
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itself as means of expression. I'll leave this to the experienced.
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[-----]
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Epilogue:
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To understand the psychology involved in the writing of this
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diatribe, one needs at least eight years of advanced schooling and
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probably a doctorate. Without this level of expertise you couldn't get
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me to stop shivering, never mind leave the corner.
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My greatest wish is for somebody to go ahead and put me in my
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rocking chair, dick in one hand and the Bible in the other. And turn
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that music off, because I'm not dancing or fucking -- I'm getting story
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ideas.
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And Johnny, always leave the reader with something to think about.
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[-------------------------------------------------------------------------]
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[ (c) HOE E'ZINE -- http://www.hoe.nu HOE #1008, BY ANODYNE - 01/22/00 ]
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