204 lines
8.0 KiB
Plaintext
204 lines
8.0 KiB
Plaintext
Mike's Madness #14
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*Ring* *Ring* . . . *Ring* *Ring* . . . *Rin..
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[=Click=]
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"Hello, Scumbag Computer Center. Can I help you?"
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"Yes, I would like to complain about the mouse what I just purchased
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from your store."
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"Oh, you mean the Scumbag Surpise?"
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"It certainly was that, alright!"
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"What's wrong with it?"
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"When I got it home, I opened the box and therein discovered that not
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only was the promised mouse not included, but in its place was a large rat."
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"Was it dead?"
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"The truth lies in quite the opposite direction."
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"Whew! For a minute there, I thought we'd sold you a dead rat!"
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"Look mate, I don't give a bleedin' damn about the status of its
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metabolic processes. You sold me a bloody rat!"
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"Well sir, rats are much better than mice! Much larger, you know . . ."
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"I shall not debate the truth of that statement -- it was much larger
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than a mouse. To the tune of roughly 10 stone . . ."
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"Ahh! You got a good one."
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"A good 'un A good 'un? What's so bloody good abou' a 10 stone rat?"
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"Well, for starters, it's much easier to keep track of . . ."
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"'oo the 'ell wants to keep track of a 10 stone rat?! I should say that
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I would sleep better at night not knowing of the existence of such a
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creature!"
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"Can't blame us for that, sir."
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"The bloody 'ell I can't! I'm not a bleedin' Magistrate, but I'm quite
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sure there's laws prohibiting the selling of vermin as computer peripherals
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within the U.K., or for that matter in Europe, Japan, Asia, Austrailia (tho'
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it's doubtful), or any other place built above the ocean. Furthermore, it
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is my heartfelt opinion that on as yet undiscovered planets, such laws as to
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prohibit the wanton sale of carnivorous mammals willfully disguised by
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certain corrupt members of the computer trade as anything but "1 LARGE,
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VICIOUS AND POSSIBLY RABID RAT. WEIGHT: 10 STONE." have been enforced
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(preferably with death; torture and death; beheading and death; a quick knee
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to the groin, a dagger up the strap and death; death death torture and
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death; 'avin' a live tiger jammed up your ass with a stick and death; or
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death 'avin' to watch 20 hours of WWF Wrestling, death death death,
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excruciating torture for 20 hours, death death, more torture, topped off
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with death!) for the last 20 millenniums."
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"Sir! Our rats aren't just any vermin! Each rat is caught by Buddy
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(when 'e's not undergoin' electro-shock) and personally examined by our very
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own Rat Quality Control Inspector! These are the finest rats the U.K. 'as to
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offer!"
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"If that's so, why was the furry little bastard foamin' at the mouth?"
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"Rats like to foam, sir! It's a display of affection . . ."
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". . . And it bit me wife on the left butt-ock!"
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". . . She must have scared it, sir!"
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"'ow the 'ell do you go about scarin' a 10 stone rat?"
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"Perhaps it saw a wombat!"
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"A . . . wombat...?"
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"Yes sir! 10 stone rats are deathly afraid of wombats!"
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"Indeed . . ."
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"Yes sir!"
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"And from which source did you glean that mostly un-true bit of
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rodential lore?"
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"From 'Patching's Book of things a 10 Stone Rat 'as to be Deathly
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Afraid of', sir."
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"Uh-huh . . ."
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"As used by the Queen!"
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"And which Queen would this be? Perhaps Queen Bigtits of Zambia? Or
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even Queen Makingsillynoises of Nigeria? Because I know for a fact that the
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only thing HRM 'as used the aforementioned text for is State's Exhibit 1 in
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the fraud case last involving those selling vicious mammals as things which
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they are not!"
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"My honor is deeply offended sir . . ."
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"I don't give a fuck about your honor! I just paid 210 pounds for a rat
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that weighs almost the same!"
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"Well sir, what do want me to do about it?"
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"I wish to place an order for 20 more . . ."
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"And would you like our 'Scumbag Computer' software with those?"
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"What's that then?"
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"It's a link, sir."
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"No no no, the catalog!"
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SCUMBAG COMPUTER'S SUMMER 1989 SOFTWARE CATALOG
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(as used by the Queen)
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"That's Queen Bigtits again, i'nt it?!?!"
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"SHHHHHH!"
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Vatican Software
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(as used by the Pope!)
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"And which Pope might that be?!"
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"Sir, please!: You're interrupting the sketch . . ."
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THE CRUCIFICTION: (12 pound 8)
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What a great way to learn about the last moments of our 'oly Father.
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Move our crucified father across the bottom of the screen and hit the "Wrath
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of God" button and Christ's halo shoots straight up and knocks out such
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baddies as Hindus and Abortionists outta the sky and sends 'em straight
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to Hell for eternity.
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No rats included.
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SIN TAX: (3 bob)
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The latest in our Confessionware series designed to help priests decide
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which pennance goes with which transgression.
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Example:
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Sinner: "Bless me father, for I have sinned. It has been a minute anna
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'alf since me last confession."
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Priest: "I'm ready to hear you, my son."
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Sinner: "Since I last confessed, I stuck me hand so far up a fox's ass I
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felt 'is tonsils . . ."
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Priest: (quite interested): "Really?"
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Sinner: "Yes sir."
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Priest: "Uh, you wouldn't happen to have any pictures, would you? Or maybe
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some video? Perhaps a explicitly detailed written account? Or maybe
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you could show me this fox . . ."
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DEAR SIRS!!!!
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I've been a priest for the last 1,200 years and I have never read
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filth such as this! Well, actually I have. Many times. And the whole
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lot can be yours for just 12 bob. That's right, just 12 bob will bring
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you a collection of the finest smut available in the U.K.! This
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assortment of raunch is guaranteed to get a rise out of even the most
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conservative M.P.! Blimey! BLIMEY! This veritable Encyclopedia
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Britantica of filth simply oozes with perversion! Ah it's ROIT
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repugnant! Just listen to some of my satisfied customers:
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"Better than 'Naughty Girl's Commune'!"
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-- Mikhail Gorbachev
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"I like it much more than being dead."
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-- Hirohito
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"We are not amused!"
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-- Queen Victoria
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"I am!"
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-- Rob Lowe
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"It's a sure bet!"
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-- Pete Rose
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"Oughtta be buried!"
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-- Dorthea Puente
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"Yes, yes -- I liked it very much . . . uh . . . errmm . . .
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hmmm . . . What's a 'foreskin'?"
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-- Dan Quayle, V.P. (Veritable Pinhead)
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"Dan, I told you once, I told ya a million times: DO NOT talk to
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the Press! How do ya think Uncle Ronnie managed to visit TWO
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terms of hell on the American people?"
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-- George Bush, P.
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"Fawn Hall knows position 493 by heart!"
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-- Oliver North
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"I taught America position 5. The one that starts with 'grab heels'."
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-- Richard Nixon
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"I saw Penny do number 38. TWICE!"
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-- Brain
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"Well at least I didn't get Mrs. Snider's poodle pregnant!"
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-- Penny
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"I did!"
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-- I. Gadget
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-----------
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Rin-Tin-Tin:
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K-9 Copout!
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-----------
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Timmy: "Mom! Look what Rinty's doing to that man's leg!"
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Mom: "That's not a man, it's your Aunt Helga and she likes it."
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Helga: "Ya ya, dat ess goot dog, ya. How is mine Himmler today?"
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Mom: "His name is Rin-Tin-Tin, not Himmler!"
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Helga: "Nien! Ess Himmler!"
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Timmy: "What did ya bring me from Germany, Aunt Helga?"
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Helga: "I bring you an autographed copy of Mien Kampf."
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Timmy: "Aww, ya brought me one of those last time!"
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Helga: "'Und a JU-87 Stuka divebomber!"
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Timmy: "Wow! Mom, can Rinty and I go play with my Stuka?"
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Mom: "Don't fly too close to the air force base . . ."
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Timmy: "I won't. C'mon Rinty!" (they run off)
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Helga: "'Und for you, mine darling seester, I am bringing you a copy of
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'Your Sex Organs can bring Victory to the Reich'"
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Mom: "Any pictures?"
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And now a note from Mike Beebe:
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Due to complaints received from our readers, the remaining portion of
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this Mike's Madness article will contain no references to bestiality,
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Australia, Foster's Lager Beer, famous German World War II personalities,
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foxes, German Shepards, rats, or World War II aircraft of German (or any
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other) origin. Thank you.
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