533 lines
24 KiB
Plaintext
533 lines
24 KiB
Plaintext
Newsgroups: alt.censorship
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Subject: THE SCHIDT; ISSUE #6
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Message-ID: <sanderso-100293171614@ch-lab-mac-f.gac.edu>
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From: sanderso@gacvx2.gac.edu (Scott T. Anderson)
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Date: 10 Feb 93 16:10:21 -0600
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Organization: The Schidt and other deviations
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Lines: 524
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T H E S C H I D T
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H i g h l i g h t s
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Issue Number 6; Jan-Feb 1993
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Highlights from issues #1-5
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Published by Scott T. Anderson with Dale L. Houston
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The Schidt is not authorized or endorsed by Gustavus Adolphus College
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SCHIDT Correspondence:
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Scott Anderson
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Gustavus Adolphus College
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St Peter MN 56082-1498
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e-mail: sanderso@gacvx2.gac.edu
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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AN INTRODUCTION
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By Scott T. Anderson
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The Schidt was begun in October 1992 for a variety of reasons: To
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entertain; to challenge the establishment in a safe yet futile manner; to
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annoy; and most importantly to waste time. We as college students have far
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too much free time on our hands for our own good, and I have this bridge in
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Brooklyn I'd like to sell. Anyway, if the Schidt is offensive, good. If
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it is entertaining, even better! If it causes you to delay finishing a
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paper and results in your failing a course and taking an extra semester to
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graduate, then IT'S A COMPLETE SUCCESS!!!!!
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The Schidt's first four issues were published only in printed format,
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which allowed for some nifty things like photo collages... like Donald
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Trump wearing a sexy bikini that shows off his supple breasts, or a woman
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with a 14-pound tick on her back. These great Schidt moments are missing
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here, but also gone are the troubles associated with large quantities of
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paper that will surely be thrown away (sadly from my standpoint, most
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people find the Schidt quite disposable), and difficulties in printing
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several pages of material in a cost-effective way. Electronic circulation
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also promises a larger base of readers. The fifth issue of the Schidt was
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prepared in printed format, but a delay in copying led me to distribute it
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via e-mail, and a new era was born.... Any way that I choose to justify
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it, the Schidt is here! So enjoy.
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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A Brief Commentary
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By Scott T. Anderson
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Briefs are better than boxers.
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Horoscopes
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By Madame Rafsanjani (via David Crowe)
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ARIES: Watch out for people with large knobs. Brutally hack up a Virgo
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with a carving knife and prosperity will come your way. Be ambitious in
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your pursuit of iguanas.
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TAURUS: Vegetables figure prominently in your future. Make friends this
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week or go lonely for the rest of your life. Eat no Spam products (applies
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to everyone).
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GEMINI: Your family will come after you with crossbows. A dream will come
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true if it happens to be about bestiality or blenders. Become a Perot
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supporter and show everyone what a loser you are.
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CANCER: Have tons of sex (and come to CONDOM BOY'S CONDOM COTTAGE for your
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protection).
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LEO: Your life will end this week. Choose suicide and be the master of
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your fate.
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VIRGO: An old friend visits and stinks up your bathroom. Insert a cactus
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into your rectum to cure any ills. A senile janitor may be your best
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source of fresh meat.
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LIBRA: Have a delicious shake for breakfast, another for lunch, and then
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eat a sensible dinner. Become a serial killer and your luck will change.
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A memory lapse causes the death of a dear friend.
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SCORPIO: You will spend the week in a catatonic trance.
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SAGITTARIUS: You will spend the week in a drunken stupor.
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CAPRICORN: You will spend the first half of the week running from the mob,
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and the rest at the bottom of a lake.
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AQUARIUS: Draw the outline of a hacksaw and people will give you a fortune
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in disposable razors. A body-cavity search turns up lost treasure.
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PISCES: A bath with an electric eel proves to be quite an experience.
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Play the saxophone underwater and you will remember where you left your
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leather underwear. Farting in a crowded elevator makes enemies.
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HOW TO WRITE A PAPER
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or
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I'll Stop Procrastinating... Tomorrow
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or
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Alternate Titles--Boy They Suck
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By Scott T. Anderson
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I used to think I was a hypochondriac, but it was just in my head.
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Nevertheless, seeing as I am such an exceptional student (pooah), I feel
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that I should help those less fortunate than me by offering my tips on
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writing a top-notch paper.
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1. Put it off until the last day. No sense in hurrying. Haste makes
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waste. I like to take my time and do it right. Mr. Rogers taught me that.
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By waiting until the last day, you allow yourself time to forget any
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remnant of what you are to write about, thus freeing your mind from clutter
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that might get in the way of your writing. And definitely do NOT read any
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materials which regard your paper topic! Not only will these clutter your
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mind further, but they will influence your writing, keeping your own ideas
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hidden within the deep and unexplored caverns of your brain.
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2. On the day before it's due, don't work on it if there is anything else
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you need to do. This includes watching Studs, playing "Sabotage" on your
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Apple II+, walking your pet llama, and watching water evaporate from the
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bathroom linoleum. Once all of these vital activities are concluded
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(leaving you with nothing to do but finally face that damn paper), sit down
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and think about what you will write. It is often helpful to perform
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relaxation exercises to clear your mind. A favorite relaxation technique I
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use is known as sleep.
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3. When you finally wake up from your nap at three in the morning to
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discover that your roommate has given you a Mohawk in your sleep, start
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your paper. Yes, three in the morning is the best time to write a paper.
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If you find yourself drowsy, consume large quantities of caffeinated
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beverages. The caffeine will get you wired so you will not be restricted
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by a feeling that what you are writing should make any sense.
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4. Definitely do not type or write your paper in ink. Professors are only
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kidding when they tell you to type. Either they find it a tremendously
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funny joke, or they just like to see how many of you are stupid enough to
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do anything they say. They really like it when a paper is written in
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pencil (or even better in crayon) on paper torn from a spiral notebook.
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Also, do not obey spelling or grammatical conventions. Professors know
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that true geniuses never follow silly little rules like these. By avoiding
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the formal rules of language, you will reveal your true genius nature to
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the professor, who will greatly appreciate having this characteristic
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brought to his attention.
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5. On the day that the paper is due, come to class 10-20 minutes late.
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When you make your grand entrance, it will say a lot. Firstly, it will say
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that your paper is good enough that it is worth disrupting class for. In
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addition, it will give your professor the impression that you put such a
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great amount of work into the paper that you couldn™t even get it finished
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in the time allotted, but seeing as you are such a dedicated student, you
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would never disgrace yourself by asking for an extension on the due date.
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If you follow these simple rules, you are guaranteed to get an "A" on your
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paper. Well, let's just say that your paper would definitely get special
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recognition. Thank you and good day.
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Scott's Top Ten Uses for the Caf's Grilled Cheese Sandwiches
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By Scott T. Anderson
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10. Frisbee
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9. Insulation for your house
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8. Paperweight
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7. Sandpaper
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6. Toilet paper (something similar to the old corn cob method)
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5. Missile weapon and/or small shield for light combat
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4. Protection from harmful UV rays
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3. Revenge against a mean-spirited vegetarian
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2. Excellent topic for discussion and ridicule in a humorous publication
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1. Extra trays in the caf when annoying high school students are visiting
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How to play...
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JOHN THROWING
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By Camdon Edward Draeger
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Slightly revised (to correct spelling) by Scott T. Anderson
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This great new sport is fun for everyone except John. For those of you
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not familiar with "John Throwing," here's how it works:
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1. Find a man named John.
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2. Set him in an office chair with wheels.
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3. Stand in one spot with your hands on the back of the chair.
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4. With your hands still on the chair, spin your body in a tight circle.
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5. Get yourself, the chair, and John going really fast, then let go of the
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chair.
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6. Once John has stopped, measure the distance from your starting point to
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John (not the chair). The winner is the one who throws John the
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farthest.
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This sport also works with people with other names: Jill, Jim, Nancy,
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Cloves, Pan, even Luxury Liner. But we find that John works the best.
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ADDENDUM TO "How to play JOHN THROWING"
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First a new name: "John Throwing (Jon Works the Same)." You know how it
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works. The rules are simple, but there are rules for other types of games:
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A. THE BACKYARD FAMILY GAME
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1. Anything goes, but you have to set some rules or use tournament
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rules.
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B. THE TOURNAMENT RULES
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1. The circle is eight feet in diameter.
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a. You must stay in the circle until John or Jon comes to a
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complete stop.
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2. You can spin until you get to the edge of the circle (like discus).
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3. Points are awarded to the person who throws John or Jon the farthest.
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a. The top score is 10 points for the farthest.
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b. Second is 5 points.
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c. Third is 2 points.
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d. 200 points wins.
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4. Option: You can put stuff in the playing field and if John or Jon
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hits it you get x amount of points.
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Attention All Sexual Deviants!!!
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The JIZMATRON, which has gained international recognition for quality in
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the world™s finest brothels, is now available for home use! The JIZMATRON
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is the finest personal sexual stimulation device on the market. For a free
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brochure, call Rhonda 24 hours a day at 1-800-421-2444.
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Grandma's Big Adventure
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By David Crowe
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The tale begins one dreary night,
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When grandma went insane.
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The brutal killings didn™t stop
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Until the town was slain.
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She went to bed, and slept till morn
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That night she went insane.
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When she awoke, her mind was gone,
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And scrambled were her brains.
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Her maid came to her house and said,
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"My God! She's gone insane!"
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So grandma went and stabbed the girl.
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She used a weather vane.
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She went outside her door and said,
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"I'll show 'em I'm not insane."
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She found a big construction site
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And got inside a crane.
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She drove it into town that day.
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The woman was insane.
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She crashed into a crowded bus.
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The people died in pain.
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She killed again and then some more
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She clearly was insane.
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But then she stopped, and killed no more,
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For everyone was slain.
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Ode to a Piece of Shit
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By Wayne Boeke
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Praise be to you oh piece of shit,
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for sliding out and relieving my
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tightened sphincter.
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Many a day have I dreamed
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of this load
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to be dropped
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with such ease and stature.
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Yet, others must know my feeling
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as I say, "Man, I tell you, I must take the throne"
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or "I declare, I must excuse myself, for I will lay some cable,"
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and they emerge from the water closet
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with smiles bright.
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This praise be dedicated
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for the lack of extreme firmness
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and the riddance of the watering blotching grungies.
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I say again,
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Good fortune to the crap that flows out one's asshole so nicely.
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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"Monster, I do smell all horse-piss, at which my nose is in great
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indignation."
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--Trinculo, The Tempest (Shakespeare)
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Scott's Top Ten George Bush Quotes
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or Ten Reasons why I voted for Bill Clinton
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All of these quotes have been verified by reputable sources.
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10. "I just am not one who--who flamboyantly believes in throwing a lot of
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words around."
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9. "Fluency in English is something that I™m often not accused of."
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8. "Please don't ask me to do that which I've just said I'm not going to
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do, because you're burning up time; the meter is running through the sand
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on you, and I am now filibustering."
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7. "Obviously, when you see somebody go berserk and get a weapon and go in
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and murder people, of course, it troubles me."
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6. "I've got to run now and relax. The doctor told me to relax. The
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doctor told me to relax. The doctor told me. He was the one. He said,
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'Relax.'"
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5. "When I need a little free advice about Saddam Hussein, I turn to
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country music."
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4. "Boy, they were big on crematoriums, weren't they?" (During a tour of
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Auschwitz.)
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3. "It's no exaggeration to say the undecideds could go one way or
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another."
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2. "I was shot down, and I was floating around in a little yellow raft,
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setting a record for paddling. I thought of my family, my mom and dad, and
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the strength I got from them. I thought of my faith, of the separation of
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church and state." (Relating his experiences as a WWII fighter pilot.)
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1. "...we have had sex." (Referring to Pres. Ronald Reagan.)
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(DIS)HONORABLE MENTION:
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"Hey, hey, nihaoma. Hey, yeah, yeah. Heil, heil--a kind of Hitler
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salute." (While greeting international tourists; "nihaoma" is Mandarin for
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"how are you?")
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Other Top Tens
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By Scott T. Anderson
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Top Ten Humorous Audio-Visual Entertainment
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10. "The Simpsons"
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9. Monty Python's Meaning of Life
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8. 1950s Sargent-Welch physics films
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7. "Fawlty Towers"
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6. The British introductory chemistry film with
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cartoons--the noble gases wear crowns (If
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you never saw it in high school you are
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deprived.)
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5. Monty Python's Life of Brian
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4. Looney Tunes (particularly ones with Foghorn
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Leghorn and the weasel)
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3. "Monty Python's Flying Circus"
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2. "Ren and Stimpy"
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1. Monty Python and the Holy Grail
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Top Ten Alternate Words for Vomiting
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10. Barf
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9. Upchuck
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8. Hurl
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7. Blow chunks
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6. Hork
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5. Spew
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4. Ralph
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3. Worship the porcelain god
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2. Chunder
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1. Technicolor yawn
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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How to play...
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THIS IS A BIG
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CROCK OF SHIT
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By Scott T. Anderson
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EQUIPMENT:
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1 large room or open outdoor area
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1 vat, crock, or other large container
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5 to 79 players, each supplied with one cup and one large,
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heavy, bladed weapon
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Lots of shit
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OBJECT:
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To live to the end of the game.
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SETTING UP:
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Prior to game play each player should fill his/her cup with shit by any
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convenient means. Once this is done, place the large container (henceforth
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referred to as the "crock") in the center of the room or open outdoor area.
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Arrange the players (in ascending order of body weight [the purpose of
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this will be discussed later]) in a circle 40 feet in diameter, with the
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crock in the center. Prior to game play each player should fill his/her
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cup with shit by any convenient means. The cup of shit should be placed in
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the weak hand, and the large, heavy, bladed weapon in the strong hand. Now
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you're ready to play!!!
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PLAYING THE GAME:
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All players draw straws. The player who draws the most convincing picture
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of a straw goes first. Prior to game play each player should fill his/her
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cup with shit by any convenient means. The player attempts to throw the
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contents of his/her cup into the crock from the circle (which, for those of
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you not as skilled in arithmetic as myself, is a distance of 20 feet). If
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all of the player's shit lands in the crock, his/her turn is over. If the
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player's shit does not all land in the crock, the remaining players, in
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ascending weight order (so the lighter participants will get a chance to
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put in their whacks before the stronger players have already killed the,
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um, victim), are allowed one whack each, with their large, heavy, bladed
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weapons, upon the player with bad aim. If the whacked player is still
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alive and can lift his/her weapon at the conclusion of the whacking, he/she
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remains in the game. If the whacked player is dead, or is just a bloody
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stump, he/she is thrown into the crock, along with any detached members.
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After that player's turn is over, play progresses to the left.
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WINNING THE GAME:
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The winner is the last player alive. If more than one player remains alive
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after all have thrown their shit, the game is a tie. Once the
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winner/winners is/are determined, the winner/winners celebrates/celebrate
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his/her/their victory by jumping into the crock and rolling around in the
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excrement and dismembered corpses.
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As my ninth grade science teacher always said as we commenced experiments,
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"Have at it!"
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Oh--how I truly love the snow when it comes down upon us,
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it flurries and flitters and flies through the air
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sticking to hair
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I now realize that I do not care
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for this goddamn perverse piss from the sky
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it makes me ask why
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did I come to this damn foolish state
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where people ice skate
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and I freeze off my balls
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while on Eckman mall
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oh--woe is me I exclaim
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i must have no brain
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or maybe my fancy is that I like pain,
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yes,
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I believe it is true I love to turn blue
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while I lay in a snowdrift without any shu
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what is "shu" you may ask
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well, no you may not
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you insolent bastard!
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how dare you try that,
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I will slice you and skin you and feed you to dogs
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for that is all your shit hide is worth,
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well I don't know--maybe that is not so,
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enough of this shit!
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I give up, I quit,
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no more of this now because I've gotta go!
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With heartfelt appreciation for your correspondence,
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Nathan M. Bohlig--The Most Excellent Theopolis
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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"God, he's like a fuck parade, you know?" --Lance Hampton
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Caustic Semen by Leather Congregation
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(Hooch Records, 1992)
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Reviewed by Scott T. Anderson
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INCREDIBLE! STUPENDOUS! UNBELIEVABLE! EARTH-SHATTERING! LIFE-CHANGING!
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EAR-SPLITTING! VOMIT-INDUCING! CAUSTIC SEMEN!!!!!!
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All of these words describe Leather Congregation's debut album, but they
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do not begin to define it. This is music at its finest moment; music at
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its most annoying; music at its day of destruction. This is music that
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goes beyond mere words. This is music that goes beyond mere sounds. This
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is music that goes beyond mere tolerability.
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Leather Congregation is comprised of the dynamic, cataclysmic musical trio
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of Scott Anderson (bass, saxophone, clarinet, and spoons), David Crowe
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(keyboards), and Lance Hampton (vocals). Together there's no topic they're
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unwilling to face, no catastrophe they're unwilling to mock, and no
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boundary (like that of tastefulness) they're unwilling to cross.
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This review has become little more than a string of cliches, so now I'll
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get down to business (there's another). The album begins forcefully, with
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the neo-80s power ballad "Ambivalence." Hampton's wrought, strained lyrics
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segue into Anderson's powerful saxophone, which explores uncharted
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territory in out-of-tuneness. Second up is the uptempo "The Night You Left
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me Behind," which sees Hampton dealing in a positive way with the issues he
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first addressed in the previous tune.
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Sorrow returns for the self-critical "Pleasures of the Flesh," whose
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narrator addresses the struggle to satisfy physical needs as a man of the
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cloth. The Apostle John contributes some insights near the end of the
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piece; a hard-rocking tune that begins with calm introspection and features
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a nice Latin breakdown in the middle. Next is the light pop sing-along
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"Where the Hell is Dave?" in which Hampton and Anderson masterfully tackle
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heavy topics like bestiality and the Somalian famine without missing a
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beat.
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The band takes a break to jam with the next number, "Jeff Takes a Piss,"
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but before long a surprise visit from Jeff Putney sets things back to
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business as usual. The album's title cut and centerpiece follows, a dark,
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|
mysterious masterpiece that must be heard to be believed. And believe me,
|
|
you will believe. "Scrotalwurst" is next, a tribute to the hard-working
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|
hometown St. Peterans in a style that is appropriate to the locale. In the
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|
closer, "Stupid Bastard," David Crowe shows off his inimitable skill at
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ragtime piano, and Lance and Scott offer their support.
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|
In all, Leather Congregation's debut, Caustic Semen, must be considered a
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|
masterpiece not only of our time, but of all time.
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|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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How to play...
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MAKE DAVID SAY "FUCK"
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|
By Scott T. Anderson, with gratitude to Lance and Dale
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|
|
|
EQUIPMENT:
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|
1 or more players
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|
1 David who will not say the word "fuck"
|
|
Any devices with which to taunt David for not saying "fuck"
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|
|
|
HOW TO PLAY:
|
|
Much of the fun of the game can be searching the world for a guy named
|
|
David who refuses to say the word "fuck." Some of us have already done so
|
|
unintentionally, so we're one step ahead. Once you have located a suitable
|
|
David, get David into the room where the players are located. At will, all
|
|
players begin to tease David and encourage him to say "fuck." Any devices
|
|
that may coerce David into saying "fuck" may be used, provided they do not
|
|
result in David's physical harm. The taunting continues until David either
|
|
says "fuck" or until he gets away.
|
|
|
|
HOW TO WIN:
|
|
This game is difficult to win. David will often be very persistent and
|
|
resilient. If you succeed in destroying David's dignity and self-respect
|
|
and he abandons his morals and says "fuck," you win. If he gets away or
|
|
kicks you in the balls, he wins.
|
|
|
|
Note: I have, since this was written, won a game of Make David Say "Fuck."
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|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Jim's Quest for Pants
|
|
By Scott T. Anderson
|
|
|
|
"Goddammit! You damned kids better tell me where the hell you hid my pants
|
|
or your ass is grass! You got me?!" --JIM
|
|
|
|
Jim used his baseball cap to conceal his privates (or more accurately, the
|
|
fact that his underwear was slightly soiled) and ran off to hide in the
|
|
bushes and contemplate his situation. "This is the fourth time this week
|
|
them damned kids've took my pants. I'm gettin' pissed!" Jim said, in his
|
|
excited and grammatically unsatisfactory way. Jim knew it was time for
|
|
action if he was to retain his dignity, and more importantly, so he could
|
|
get down to Lefty's before last call. The only thing Jim prized more than
|
|
a good beer was his collection of Hustler magazines. Thusly, he was
|
|
especially peeved tonight, because he had had his favorite issue from 1976
|
|
rolled up in his pants pocket. "Now them damn kids are gettin' their kicks
|
|
from my magazine!" Jim complained, but no one was listening.
|
|
Jim decided that he'd best head for home, even though he was only in his
|
|
skivvies. "Damn those kids!" he muttered. He was really down when he got
|
|
home, his high on airplane glue having worn off. Jim walked in the door,
|
|
turned on some WWF Wrestling on the TV, and went into his bedroom to get
|
|
some new pants. The bedroom just wasn't the same since Jim's wife Bertha
|
|
left him for that grocery stockboy. She'd said she wanted someone more
|
|
intellectual. As Jim entered the bedroom, he was overwhelmed with surprise
|
|
and delight as he saw Bertha laying exposed on the bed, her 48-56-65 body
|
|
glowing in the moonlight. "She's back!" he exclaimed as he flipped on the
|
|
light. As the room lit up he noticed all his missing pairs of pants had
|
|
been returned. But UH-OH! The Hustler that had been in his pocket had now
|
|
fallen into the hands of Bertha. He had kept the collection secret for 23
|
|
years, but now she knew. Jim tried to cover for himself, "Uh, those damn
|
|
kids must've stashed it there!" But much to Jim's surprise, Bertha wasn't
|
|
angry. She liked the magazines, and decided that Jim wasn't right for her
|
|
after all, so she got up and put clothes onto her fat, quivering body and
|
|
walked out of Jim's life forever.
|
|
At least she left the Hustler, Jim thought.
|
|
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|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Thanks for reading....
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|
|
|
Coming soon...
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|
|
THE SCHIDT
|
|
ISSUE #7!!!!!!
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