665 lines
26 KiB
Plaintext
665 lines
26 KiB
Plaintext
"God is as helpless as me" -Billy Corgan
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- Smashing Pumpkins
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- -ÄÄÄÄ--- - - - - - --ÄÄÄÄ-- - .
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| __ __
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: .s$$$$$$' `$$$$$$s.
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. .sS$$$$$$$$$s s$$$$$$$$$Ss. .
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, sS$$$$$$$"""" s$s """"$$$$$$$Ss
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," """ .s `"s$$$s. s. """ ", .
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$$ $$$ "' $$
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. $$ $$$ $$ ,
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$$ ý$$ $$ .
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. .dss. ý$s. .ssb.
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.a"" "", ,"" ""a. :
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` ' |
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.
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- -ÄÄÄÄ--- - - - - - --ÄÄÄÄ-- -
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Thinking t Text
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o
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:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
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| TtT #1 |
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:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
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-enter ideal-
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Hi, welcome to 'Thinking to Text #1. you are all probably wondering who the
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fuck I am and why the fuck I am jumping on the growing bandwagon of 'zinedom.
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great! just what I wanted to tell you!
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First of all, now that i think of it, it's not really a bandwagon because
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there's not that terribly many people putting out zines. There's quite a
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few, but not enough to classify zinedom a bandwagon. Second of all, I'm just
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an average guy that constantly writes. I love writing. Everywhere
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I go I have a little notebook or paper-pad with me, and my favorite pen is
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always burrowed somewhere deep within my pockets. I write everything from
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sappy poetry, to editorials, to just plain stupid, feeble attempts at what I
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consider comedy. Some of the stuff that will be included in TtT may be too
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sappy or emotional but i don't care, that's who I am. If you have any
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criticisms, comments or suggestions, let me know. I don't expect alot of
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people to read this but I had two choices:
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1) submit stuff to multiple zines and probably get it
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rejected, laughed at, and spit on.
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2) collect it all in my very own zine and get it
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rejected, laughed at, and spit on.
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I chose #3 (all of the above). That's right! I've submitted some 'purty
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stupid stuff to other e-zines and it's actually been released! (hey, maybe
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I'm not all that bad???)
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Anyways, if you are reading this, thank you! I really appreciate it and
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trust me, it makes me feel all warm and gooshy inside. if you like it or
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dislike it enough to comment on it, leave me e-mail at kevin@mixcom.com or
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find me on IRC as ideal. I am usually in #zines.
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This is the last paragraph of the introduction I swear! I just wanted to let
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you know that i will accept submissions but please, before considering me,
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consider all of the other zines out there. They probably deserve your
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submissions more than I do. Some (not all) of the zines I read and enjoy on
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a half-way regular basis are: dto, y0lk, rad, and relish among many others.
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Read these if you get the chance and give them you're submissions before you
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honor me with them. Anyways, on to the first issue.
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-ideal
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-exit ideal-
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:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
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-enter index-
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+{title}+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++{author}
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-A Recipe For All Of You Food Rats---------------------------------ideal-
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-Excerpts..."Joe vs. the Volcano"----------------------------------ideal-
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-Mime Time---------------------------------------------------------ideal-
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-Satanic Tendencies------------------------------------------------ideal-
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-Truth-------------------------------------------------------------ideal-
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-Mechanical Education----------------------------------------------ideal-
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-Institution-------------------------------------------------------ideal-
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-exit index-
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:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
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-A RECIPE FOR ALL OF YOU FOOD RATS-
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-by ideal-
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Here's a nifty little recipe i thought i'd share with you all. I put it
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first just in case you wanted something to eat while reading the first issue
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of TtT.
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INGREDIENTS
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2 slices of bread
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butter (or your favorite sandwich spread)
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a box of Bugles (tm) snacks
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DIRECTIONS
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First, butter up each slice of bread on one side each. (just like you are
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making a regular sandwich) Then, pile as many Bugles(tm) snacks between the
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two slices of bread. Gently press down on sandwich for stability. Now, you
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are ready to eat!
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:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
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-EXCERPTS FROM SCRIPTS THAT WERE REJECTED FOR THE MOVIE "JOE vs. THE VOLCANO"-
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-by ideal-
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"Joe vs. the Volcano" has to be one of the biggest cheese-ball-istic movies
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ever made. Like all movies, it went through many re-writes before the final
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script was accepted and immortalized on film. I thought i'd share with you
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some of the scripts that were rejected in the creation of this movie.
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SCRIPT #1
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[As the screen fades in, we are looking down upon a city park. As we move in
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closer, a park bench is in the center of the screen. Upon the bench placed in
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the park (ergo,"park bench") is a man dressed in a plain white suit. On this
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man's lap, lies an old briefcase. Lying atop the briefcase which lies atop
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the man's lap, is a box of candy. The man stares into blank space as if he
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were waiting for the mother ship to beam him up. After a period of 5
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minutes, a bus pulls up and it's doors hiss open. Out steps a black woman
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and she sits next to the man on the bench]
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MAN
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<he sounds mildly retarted> Hello. What's
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your name?
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WOMAN
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<surprised at the man's question> Greta...
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Greta Williams.
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MAN
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Hello, my name's Joseph... Joseph Trump.
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Where are you going-a?
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GRETA
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I'm waitin for a bus so i can get to the
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airport. Then i am going to catch a 9:30
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flight to Kenya to visit my cousin.
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JOE
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I was in Kenya once about 4 years ago. That's
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Where i met my best friend Lubba. He an' I,
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we started a tofu company we did... Called it
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Lubba/Trump tofu. Kenya's nice, I remember
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the volcanoes the best. <pause> Would you
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like a chocolate, mint, butterscotch, cough
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drop, or a mentos?
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[Joe extends the box of candy to Greta]
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GRETA
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No thanks. You said you've seen the
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volcanoes of Kenya?
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JOE
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Oh, yes. They were ver-ry big. Lubba and
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me got captured by a tribe of aboriginies
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and we were forced to sacrifice our pet monkey
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to the great volcano god. <sniff> it broke
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Lubba's heart but not me...Cuz my momma
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always said "Monkies are like a box of
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chocolates, if you throw either of them in
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a volcano, they'll probably melt."
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And ya know what? she was right! The monkey
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melted just like that he did. And that's all
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i have to say about that.
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GRETA
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Your mother was a very intelligent woman.
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JOE
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Not really, stupid is, and stupid she was...
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END SCRIPT #1
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SCRIPT #2
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[the camera is facing a young man who looks terrified. he is sitting in a
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chair holding his shoulder which has been shot. He is bleeding profusely
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and seems to be in shock.]
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BLACK MAN (O.S.)
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Now, muther fucker, if you don't tell me what
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my boss, Mr. Marco Walters looks like, i'm
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gunna make you into a big kahuna burger!
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YOUNG MAN
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<in pain and practically screaming> He's
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black!.....and he's bald!
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BLACK MAN
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Does he look like a fuckin' chicken?
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YOUNG MAN
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What??
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BLACK MAN
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What language you speak boy? You betta'
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not say "what" again either! Cuz I don't
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speak "what"!
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YOUNG MAN
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I speak French, German, Japanese, a little
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Chinese, Pig Lat.....
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BLACK MAN
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Do you speak english mother fucker??
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YOUNG MAN
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Yes!!
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BLACK MAN
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Good, then answer me, does my BOSS
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LOOK - LIKE - A - CHICKEN??
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YOUNG MAN
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NO!
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BLACK MAN
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Then why'd you try to choke him like
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one?
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YOUNG MAN
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I didn't...
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BLACK MAN
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Yes you did punk! you choked his chicken
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and threw it into that volcano!
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YOUNG MAN
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Look! The volcano treatened to kill me!
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BLACK MAN
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<chuckling> What? the mutha fuking volcano
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said "joe, throw me a chicken or i'll cap
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your bitch ass" ?
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JOE
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yeah, kind of. so you see, i had to! If
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I didn't, i would be dead and the volcano
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probably would've erupted and killed all of
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the villiagers.
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BLACK MAN
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Oh, so you some kind of hero now i guess??
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Well, then, i got a speech just about heros.
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Do you read the bible joe?
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JOE
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No, but i have one over by the couch that i
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use for a coaster.
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BLACK MAN
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Oh, that's ok, i wuz just wonderin'. I don't
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read it either. Anyways, here's my speech,
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then my pal Vinny and i have to go enter a
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Twist contest.
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Mommaladayalacha, 31:337
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the path to the volcano, is followed by
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a hero that walks with a chicken.
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What he doesn't know is that my boss'
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chicken farm was robbed so i got'z to
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give him a lickin'.
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[with that, the black man pumps joe full of lead and secretly wonders how
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a volcano could talk?]
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END SCRIPT #2
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SCRIPT #3
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[two school kids are playin' in a jungle in Kenya. They come upon a clearing
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near the base of a volcano]
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KID #1
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Hey Joe! Go long, catch this coconut!
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JOE
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Ok, here i go.. <running>... I got it!
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<whump!> (he runs into the side of the
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volcano) ouch!#@# shit, you mother
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fucking piece of volcano shit!
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[joe starts to beat the shit out of the volcano as best he can]
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JOE
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<punch><crack><WHAM!><KicK><whump!>
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<boing!><crunch> OW!!! Stupid, stupid
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volcano! I hate you. You sux0rz!
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you couldn't kill a fly! <kick><kick>
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<whap><whap><whap><whap><whap><WHAP!>
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[the ground starts to shake and the rock side of the volcano cracks open.
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Smoldering lava bursts from the side of the volcano and the last thing we
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see is the flesh of JOE and BOY #1 melting off of their bones]
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END SCRIPT #3
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:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
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-MIME TIME-
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-by Marcel Marceau-
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and now, the mime preforms his favorite movie, "Singing in the Rain"...
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...That was the Mime, preforming his favorite movie, "Singing in the Rain".
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:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
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-SATANIC TENDENCIES-
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-by ideal-
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Jake was awakened by the sound of the construction men outside of his
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apartment window.
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<RAT-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA>
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"Fucking jewish jackhammer!" he said softly underneath his breath. He rose
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from his inexpensive futon and lit the circle of candles he had set up in the
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middle of his room. Taking his razor, Jake made a deep slice in his right,
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middle finger without wincing at all. Slowly, as the blood dripped off the
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end of his scarred hand, he drew a pentegram on the floor within the
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boundaries of the candles.
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When everything was prepared, Jake casually sniffed at his armpits. "Woo! I
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better take a shower before I summon the devil! Gotta be clean for my date'n
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with Satan!" he thought.
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...
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The shower was extremely hot. It burned right through to Jake's soul when the
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water splattered on the scars from his self-mutilation rituals. He didn't
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flinch or dare to let out a recognition of pain. If he did, he would
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certainly dissappoint his evil underlord.
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After the shower, he grabbed his leather-bound "Book-O-Evil" and stood naked
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at the foot of the pentagram. Speaking in mysterious tongues, Jake's face
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turned very grave and serious. However, a slight smirk of anticipation could
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be seen bubbling at his mouth. He was very excited! It was his first time
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summoning the devil to his apartment.
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<Knock><Knock><Knock>
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Someone was at his apartment door! Jake opened the door a crack and peered
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through the opening. "Who is it?" he asked with a slight tinge of annoyance
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on his voice.
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"Avon calling!...Who the fuck do you think it is? You're the one who was
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chanting right? Or did I get the wrong apartment again? I hope not, cuz
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then I'll have to kill you."
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"Woah! you're the devil!" Jake exclaimed. He threw the door open and extended
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his welcome to the man he thought was the devil. "Come on in!"
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"EGAD MAN!##@ You're naked! you're not some wierdo are you? Put some clothes
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on!" said the man outside of the door.
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"Oh, sorry Lucifer!"
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"I'm not Lucifer, I'm just one of his demon cohorts."
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"WHAT?#! Jake exclaimed in disappointment. "Why isn't Satan here? I
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summoned Satan, not some second-rate demon janitor boy!"
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"Boo Hoo Hoo... You think that Satan really wants to visit every mindless
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worshipper who summons him? There's millions of people like you who try to
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summon him everyday. He used to visit them all, but he got sick of it. So
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he guarantees the oh-so-lucky demons like me, a few souls if we do the dirty
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work." explained the demon. "Besides, Satan has been in so many other zines
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anyways! It's about time us demons get a chance!"
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"Well,....fine! Where is Satan though? Is he *that* busy?"
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"Actually, he's in the middle of a bridge game right now. Then, after that,
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he's getting a petticure and his horns are being waxed at 5:00. So you see,
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he is a pretty busy devil."
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"What?? Are we talking about the same guy? You know, Lucifer, Beelzabub,
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the lord of evil?? Yuh know, bloody teeth, claws dripping with intestines
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and human feces?"
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"Yeah, I know who you're talking about! same person. He's just not as
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all-terrifying as you foolish mortals think."
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"Foolish? At least I'm not the one who looks like Bob Sagat!" screamed Jake.
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"Wha??"
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"Bob Sagat, you look like Bob Sagat."
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"All demons look like this! And we're very proud of our image!"
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"Whatever! Hey, why didn't you appear in a puff of smoke inside of the nice
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pentagram I blood-stained on my carpet? I thought there's supposed to be
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fire and other stuff when you guys are summoned."
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"We used to do that, but that's old school! Now we're more into knocking on
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the front door. What the fuck does it matter anyways? I'm here! Now what
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in the hell did you try summoning Satan for?"
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"Well, I wanted to talk with the big man for a while...hey, he doesn't look
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like Bob Sagat too, does he?"
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"Nope, Vanilla Ice"
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"Ugh!...Well, I also wanted to ask him for magikal powers of evil."
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"Now what makes you think that jolly ol' Satan would grant a fool like you
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magikal powers?"
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"Well, uh, I'm always worshipping him and celebratin' him every waking minute
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of my life!"
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"Do you actually think that he cares how many fucking goats you killed in the
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woods last week or how many glasses of blood you drink in any given day? We
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think people like you are stupid."
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"Well, at least I don't play bridge!"
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"Hey! We all play bridge down there! It's our favorite game and it's pretty
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much the only game we play!"
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"Geez, now I know why they call it Hell! You evil beings are pretty boring.
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You're not as cool as I thought you were!"
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"Oh?!? You think you would be a better Hell inhabitant than us? <laff>
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that's a joke!"
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[SPLUT!]
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Jake had split the demon's chest open with the cross his mother brought him
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last Christmas. The demon let out a horrific scream and then burst into
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bright, crimson flames.
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"No mother fucker, I think I'd be a better RULER of Hell!"
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Wow, Jake had just killed a demon! He felt very powerful and very very
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important. He felt as if he could take over the world.
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"I'll show that Bridge-playing evil-wannabe what real terror really is!
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Watch out Satan!, here comes Jake!" he squealed. With that, Jake grabbed his
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cross and headed out the door. He was on his way to teach the devil a lesson
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that he would never forget.
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THE END???? (i doubt it)
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:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
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-TRUTH-
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-by ideal-
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Desolate minds think
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While searching for their kind
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On this desolate plain
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On a desolate earth
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Shatter the soul
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That burns deep within
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Forcing you to learn
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Forcing you to see
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Opening your eyes,
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Light scorches you
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Truth frightens you
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And the lies are created
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Shadowing your power,
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It will always be there
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Among the men, among the gods
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The truth knows we are both
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The insanity is greater
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Now new fears arrise
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Darkened skies overrun
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Your lies are dead, the future has come
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:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
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-MECHANICAL EDUCATION-
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-by ideal-
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I walk through the doors of my high school 5 days out of every week on
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average. Like everyone else, i conform to the cycle of the day. Walk to
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class, sit in my assigned desk, listen to overpaid so-called teachers read
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from books, and then go home. It's all really pointless to me sometimes. Do
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i really go home at 3 o'clock with any more knowledge than i had at
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7 o'clock? No! For 11 years now, i have been doing virtually the same
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thing. Granted, for the first 6 or 7 years of my education it was definately
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needed. However, teaching methods today are practically the same as
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brainwashing methods, only on a conscious level. Now that i am in the most
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influential point in my life, i need something different to occupy my mind
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which is in a constant state of boredom.
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Since day one, we are taught to memorize. Dates, names, capitals, statistics,
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etc... I, for one, am fed up with it. I'm not saying that memorization is
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the worst way to learn, but it's definately not the best. In fact,
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memorization can be very effective if it's used in safe doses. See, I come
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from a generation that will, if we continue to conform, be excellent Trivial
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Pursuit players. The only problem is that no thinking will be involved. We
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are witnessing the introduction to a future where no one will think for
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themself.
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For example, the size of cliques in my school are increasing everyday while
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the number of *different* cliques is decreasing. Hundreds upon hundreds of
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people walk around, looking towards others to see what is acceptable. They
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all show intrest in practically the same things. "What does this have to do
|
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with education?" you may be asking. Well, the same thing happens in classes
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except for the fact that there are only 2 different cliques in the eyes of the
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system. There are the do-ers and the slackers. I fit in neither group and
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there is a very plausable possibility that you don't either. However, I am
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viewed as some members of the school's faculty as a slacker.
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An explaination for this may be revealed in my opinionated reasoning. First
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of all, let me explain the two different cliques that are present in the
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classroom. The do-ers are the people who come into class, listen to the
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instructor read from the book or notes, and copies down everything the
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|
instructor writes on the board. Keep in mind, while these people may score
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higher on tests than me, I doubt that most of them are learning much. Most of
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the do-ers i have encountered, act like small sponges. Meaning, they soak up
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|
the information that they need for the current chapter or section, then when
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|
they have taken the test or are otherwise finished with the section, these
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|
sponges are wrung out.
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Next, the slackers. The slackers are simply the people who either skip out of
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|
classes to smoke, get high, etc... or the people who come to class and watch
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|
nothing but the hands of the clock. These slackers are usually the ones who
|
|
just don't give a fuck about education or their future. They, more than
|
|
likely, don't have any valid reasons to hate school.
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I have been labelled a "slacker" by some of my 'educated' teachers when, in
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|
fact, i am more of a do-er than a slacker. As of late, my grades have been
|
|
decreasing because of my silent protest towards the education system. The
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|
repetitiveness of it has bored me so completely that i have just decided to
|
|
neglect a certain amount of my studies.
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While this decision could be looked upon as very un-intelligent and even
|
|
dangerous to my future, i choose to look at it in a different light. I see
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|
myself as taking less time to program myself and taking more time to think.
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|
Instead of commiting to short-term memory what year George Washington's
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|
wooden teeth started to rot, i spend my time looking at the world and
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|
formulating my own opinions through observation. Keep in mind, facts and
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|
statistics are still important to me but not any more important than emotion
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|
or new ideas. This may hinder my chances at being able to get into a "good"
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|
college or a well-paying job, but i don't care.
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So, what do i think we should do? To tell you the truth, i don't know. I
|
|
could suggest writing a letter to the school board in your area but i know
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|
that the majority of you out there wouldn't do it. This was just something i
|
|
needed to get off my chest. If you agree with me and are tempted to take
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|
action, do it! I'll probably just continue to be scorned by others and lead
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a moderately satisfying life watching the world cause it's own destruction.
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:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
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|
-INSTITUTION-
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-by ideal-
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Escaping my tears
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Condoning my words
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Illusionary lullabyes
|
|
Filled with lying morals
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|
Institutionalized in sorrow
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I don't like the institution
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Institutionalized tomorrow
|
|
I don't trust the constitution
|
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|
|
Tear my heart out with your lectures
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Bind my body with white cloth
|
|
Reddened eyes and desert dry throats
|
|
Croaking thoughts like pale bullfrogs
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|
|
I don't believe in the one man's ghost
|
|
That's supposed to save us from ourselves
|
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My savior is of this world
|
|
Not something I can't reach...breach?
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|
|
Institutionalized in sorrow
|
|
I don't like the institution
|
|
Institutionalized tomorrow
|
|
They don't follow the constitution!
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|
|
I love the freedom
|
|
I don't get...
|
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They don't give...
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|
You don't govern me unless I let you!
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:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
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|
|
-CONCLUSION-
|
|
|
|
-re-enter ideal-
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|
|
Well, that's issue one. I hope most of you like it and keep reading it.
|
|
Pass it along, upload it to all of the bbs'z you call and leave me
|
|
feedback. This publication has no affils yet because i'm the only one who
|
|
knew about it untill it was released. If you want to be an affil for any
|
|
reason (although i don't know why you would), just ask me.
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|
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|
e-mail: kevin@mixcom.com
|
|
|
|
I would really enjoy and appreciate any submissions but like i said in the
|
|
introduction, be sure to consider the other zines out there that deserve
|
|
submissions more than i do.
|
|
|
|
-re-exit ideal-
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|
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
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|
|
__________________/\__________________
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\______ _____| |_____ ______/
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| | `"| |"" | |
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| | | | | |
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| | | | | |
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| | | | | |
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| | | | | |
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| | | |_, | |
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| | \_-" | |
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| |thinkingtotext| |
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| | issue #1 | |
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\ | -released- | /
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\| -04.30.96- |/
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-4:45 pm-
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:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
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"So let the guilty hang, In the year of the boomerang." -David De La Rocha
|
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-Rage Against The Machine
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