974 lines
40 KiB
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974 lines
40 KiB
Plaintext
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Propaganda Unlimited
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Volume Two Issue Two
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June 21, 1995
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bogart (bo-gart) v. 1) To hoard or keep unfairly
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to onself 2) To overuse or overexpose onself
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and in doing so prevent another from experiencing
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the item or event in question 3) To impede the
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flow of Propaganda for four months....
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=====================================================================
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CONTENTS
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--------
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1) Introduction
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by Midget Caesar
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2) Annoyance: the Escalation
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by Malakai
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3) More Poems
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by Aquarius
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4) A Day in the Life
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by Platinum Ego
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5) HOW TO BE A MORON
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BY ANONYMOUS
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6) Short Stories and More!
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by Aquarius
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7) Social Awareness Corner: Chia Crusade '95
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by Razorline
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8) Obsession
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by Oregano
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9) Dystropia part Tweleventeen
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by Midget Caesar
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10) Ads, Coming Attractions, and Rejection of Conventional Values
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---------------------------------------------------------------------
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STAFF
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-----
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Constantine......Editor-In-Chief (Mellow Yellow)
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Midget Caesar....Executive Editor (Jivy Ice)
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Newt.............Head Writer (Chillin' Pomengranate)
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Oregano..........Evanston Correspondant (Groovy Kiwi)
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Zaphod...........Distribution Manager (Funky Banana)
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Dr. Fig..........Arts Editor (Ravin' Quiche)
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Aquarius.........Question Mark (Manic Beef Jerky)
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Writing Staff: (Shaken, not Stirred)
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Malakai, Platinum Ego, Psychotic Ambition,
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Nyarlathotep, Comrade Slash, Jack Roberts,
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and (new!) Razorline
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and
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Two-Fish.........Arbiter of all that is Cool, Tasty, In Stock,
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and Aesthetically Pleasing in Sweaters
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=====================================================================
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Introduction
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------------
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Here and now, my moment in the sun. We all know that "cyberspace"
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is "virtual", so my imagined sunlight is just as real here as the
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latest online marketing trend. wooo hooo!
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Anyways, another issue of Propaganda Unlimited is typed out. I
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apologize for the ridiculously long delay between issues - well, I was
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probably the only person who WASN'T expecting it, given our past
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history. This time it was due to, well, inertia. We were also delayed
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because Constantine is on vacation in Beirut, and he is not doing
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anything subversive at all, nor is he playing any games with their
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food supply, and finally he is not in any way involved in the
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preparation for the landing of several dark, mysterious hovering
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objects. We would also like to make it perfectly clear that
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Constantine has absolutely no connection with any future unfortunate
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"accidents" that may occur in the vicinity of House Speaker Newt
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Gingrich. Just clearing the record, thanks. Anyways, Constantine will
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return next issue, as will hopefully Newt and Dr. Fig, also on, well,
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absentia. Meanwhile, we have a couple new writers for your reading
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apathy, Razorline and Platinum Ego, and a few new submissions from
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people who haven't written for us in awhile. And to top all that off,
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you have my trademarked babbling. (If you've actually read this far
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into my babble, you are a truly epic fan. Email us and we'll say nice
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things about you)
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We do hope to maintain some sort of frequent schedule in the
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future, but even one as slow and optimistic as I has learned not to
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make promises about it. Meanwhile, my time in the Chicago area is
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limited. Northwestern University and I had.....a disagreement, and,
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well, needless to say I won't be attending there this fall. (okay, I
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got rejected, screw them if they refuse to accept me just 'cause I
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didn't do any work in high school. fascists!) I'll be attending the
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University of Illinois at Champaign-Urbana. On that subject, so will
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Aquarius. Platinum Ego's off to Iowa State, Newt to Wellesley, and the
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rest are either staying here or destination unknown. We wish ourselves
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well, woop. Propaganda Unlimited most likely will continue
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publication during my dislocation, in what form remains to be seen.
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Being well-behaved gee golly gosh whiz cyber-enthusiasts, we here
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at PU have expanded - we now have our own HOMEPAGE on the INTERNET!
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wowza! We'll be mentioned in Time Magazine any day now! Thanks to
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Zaphod for setting it up. There have also been rumours that we might
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also be involved in acquiring a....Winnebago! but you didn't hear that
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from me. It's temporarily offline, but keep checking....the address is
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at the end of this issue.
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I hope you like the new material this issue, and I also hope that
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the format changes to not incur the wrath of your stomach's digestive
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juices. Heck, I'd be pleased if someone was actually READING this
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stuff.
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Propaganda Unlimited - You know we'll never give in to the hype.
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(mention this introduction and get $5 off admission
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to the PU Anti-Konformist Kamp! Your Summer Fun
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Alternative!)
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---------------------------------------------------------------------
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Annoyance: A How To Guide for Beginners
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<a MalaGuide (tm) >
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Hello! This is Malakai, PhD of Annoyance Skills, with
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additional degrees in False Stupidity, Feigning Intelligence, and
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Silly Voices. Being a trained professional annoyance, I have come
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today to show you how to be effectively annyoing online *and* offline,
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and ways where you can do both! Being though there are *MANY* types of
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annoyance, I shall refer to my style of annoyance as 'Malakonian'
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annoyance, a name which is rather annoying in itself. Now, please
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stand by as we move into the main idea for our story.
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Lesson 1: Identification of Annoyance Weaknesses
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------------------------------------------------
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Everyone has a various pet peeve, whether they hate it when people
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spell wrong, hate people who say the same thing over and over, or just
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hate people who appear to have little intelligence. Using this section
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of your Annoyance handbook, you will learn to identify various types
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of annoyance weaknesses, as well as strengths, to go off topic and be
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annoying.
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Section a: Weaknesses
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---------------------
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1. Intellectual Weakness: These people are easily annoyed by either an
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apparant lack of intelligence (superiority complex) or an apparant
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high level intelligence (just plain stupid); For the 1st, to annoy
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with the best results, feign igorance, often beat around the bush and
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take the conversation in circles, and of course, do NOT, I repeat, DO
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NOT, use a word over 2 sylables unless you have to. For the later, try
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and use words over 4 sylables when possible, try to ALWAYS sound like
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you know what the heck you are talking about even if you don't; And
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here's the sinker--- if they ask you what you're talking about, you
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say, "If you don't know I'm not going to tell you,"; This almost
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always gains an annoyed response.
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2. Racial Weakness: In these days and ages and such, people are
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getting to be more 'conscious', or basically intolerant of joshing
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around utilizing words like 'nigger' 'spic' 'honky' and such. These
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people you can easily identify. First you must learn to speak semi-
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jive. The typical Semi-Jive entrance is 'sup foo' and you may or may
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not get a response. If no response, especially no annoyed response,
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occurs, then add on, "was ju niggahs up to?"; This will probably
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invoke an annoyed response on any intolerant in the area. And from
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there it's all child's play, assuming you saw the movies.
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3. Words and Phrases: This is probably the most annoying weakness to
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have, and the most common; It comes from the repitition of one word,
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sentence, or even letter. You just keep repeating yourself over and
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over. For example, I log onto a chat board, and go into Teleconfrence.
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A user says, "Hey, what's up Mal?" and I say, "Are you talk'n na me?"
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and they say, "Yeah, what's up?" and I go, 'I don't think you're
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talk'n na me,"; If you use the same or a similar premise, this can be
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VERY annoying and VERY effective. But be careful, some people may
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carry on a conversation this way.
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Section b: Strengths
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--------------------
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Haha! Fooled you! There is no strengths versus annoyance! Isn't this
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annoying?
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Lesson 2: Annoyance with an Attitude
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------------------------------------
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In the last lesson, you learned basic tactics for annoyance of people
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with the weaknesses stated above, as well as for the strengths stated
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above. But sometimes this isn't enough; I am a Certified Professional
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Annoyance, and am banned from the bulk of chat boards in Illinois and
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south Wisconsin due to this fact, and people like us are almost IMMUNE
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to the effects and strategies of annoyance. However there are a few
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sure fire ways to annoy someone.
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Section a: Superior Annoyance Tactics- Online
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---------------------------------------------
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1. Continiously talk about nothing, the faster you can type the
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better, cloud up the conversation with meaningless babble to the point
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that you are the main converser, but no one is listening to you. This
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may or may not show signs of obvious annoyance, but it annoys; If you
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add other tactics, even basic tactics, into this tactic (the Speak
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Tactic), it can be EXTREMELY effective, and may even annoy a trained
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professional like myself.
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2. If you know someone never shuts off call waiting and you have two
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lines, you simply keep calling them as they get on, they will
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eventually get VERY VERY pissed off and either shut it off or stop
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calling. While this is not directly noticable, it can be used to annoy
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someone who was waiting to talk to that person but now can't because
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they kept getting kicked off.
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3. If you can, keep sending E-Mail to one person, a constant steam, if
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possible, make a script program for it, that keeps sending a one word
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E-Mail message over and over. The user will log on, and have 500 E-
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Mail messages saying, for example, "Ort" on them. You can also do this
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with pages if they are online, so that they can't read what people are
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typing because they are getting too many pages.
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4. In a public messages base, post a long message, with one word as
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one message, then the next as another, and so on. This will piss
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everyone off and annoy people extremely.
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Section b: Superior Annoyance Tactics- Offline
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----------------------------------------------
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1. In reality, if you talk and fluctuate the frequency of your voice,
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and change the accent every sentence, this can be VERY annoying. Or
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keep one stupid accent all the way through, for example keep using the
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Hans and Franz style of talking. This gets VERY old and VERY annoying,
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VERY fast. It has a rating of 3 V's <grin>
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2. Also, now you can have physical contact; One annoying thing to do,
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is keep tapping people on the shoulder, gently, but to get them to
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turn around, when they turn around, give them a big shit eating grin,
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and then they will turn back around, and you start up again. You can
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also ignore the grin and just keep tapping even when they turn thier
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head.
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3. Taking a blanket and throwing it over your friend's head and then
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taking a bat and hitting it very hard is VERY annoying, they'll be
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really annoyed once they find thier way out of the sheets. Be careful
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though, because you may over annoy them.
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Lesson 3: Hints and Stuff
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-------------------------
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If you can get all these techniques down, you will have the equivelant
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of a Bachelour's degree in annoyance. With practice you can gain
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annoyance experience behind your years! In this lesson I shall give
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you a few pointers to help you on your way to become a famous and
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powerful annoyance!
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Section a: Hints for Feigning Stupidity
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1. Say 'huh' 'duh' 'what' and other such one sylable words that
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express ignorance often, this will make you appear to be a complete
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moron.
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2. If someone says something that can be interpreted two ways, but one
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is very unusual and very stupid (for example, 'you know, my
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refrigerator went out today,' is said by someone, you would reply,
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"Oh, where'd it go?"); You will gain experience in this over time, and
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some people have become VERY good at it.
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3. If you can, try and make up some dumb looks of your own to help you
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offline as well, it can work. Also, if you are driving, just stare out
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the window stupidly; This will annoy either someone in the car, or
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someone looking out thier window at an idiot staring right at them
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(that's you)
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Section b: Quick Slanguage Tutorial (id=real translation d=direct
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tran)
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1. Jive Phrases
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---------------
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foo = fool (d), you (id)- More often use to personify a previous *you*
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sup = what's up? (d & id)
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G = gangstah (d), friend (id)
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niggah = nigger (d), a friend who did something cool (id)
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beoch = bitch (d & id)
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2. Espanol Rapido
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-----------------
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¨Hablas a mi? = Are you talking to me?
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No creo tu hablar a mi = I don't think yur talk'n na me.
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Sabo no tu hablar a mi = I know you are not talking to me.
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3. Other Various Phrases/Words
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------------------------------
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Ort = Stupid
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Monkey = Cool
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Duck = God
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Spam = Fruit of the Gods
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Chickenman = Some old guy who goes through dumpsters
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Ooo ooo ooo ah ah ah = Great mating call
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Teuchalatatiteez = The Great Monkey God
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If you wish to increase your annoyance skills, please write Malakai at
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the following address:
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Malakai@cloud.com
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Remember, postage is now like 31 or 32 cents.
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----------------------------------------------------------------------
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Poems
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by Aquarius
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Oooh, Oooh
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----------
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oh no
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they're coming
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what shall i do?
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shall i play my kazoo?
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should i go to the zoo?
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should i take a poo?
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will you too?
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in 2002?
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after making beef stew?
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This has become quite tiresome.
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Your Eyes
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---------
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Your eyes.
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They are so beautiful.
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I could stare at them all day.
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Full of love.
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Curiosity.
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Knowledge.
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Secrets.
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But the optic nerve sticking out of the back of them is pretty
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disgusting.
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I wonder who the hell they came from?
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Tokens
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------
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Headin' to the arcade
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Gonna play some vids
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Heading over to Arkanoid
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I insert a coin
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But NO!
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It uses TOKENS!
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Sorrow.......despair
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Tokens....why why why
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Please no tokens
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Quarters
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Doesn't anyone care?
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The token machine
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Pinnacle of evil.
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Car Wash Attendant
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------------------
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Who weeps for the car wash attendant?
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When he's alone?
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Who weeps for the car wash attendant?
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When he gets wet?
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Who weeps for the car wash attendant?
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When people drop their dollar bill onto the ground?
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Vigilant and proud,
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You can yell but he won't get loud.
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Quietly accepts money from you
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Your car MUST be free of bird doo.
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We must all weep.
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His pain is ours.
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----------------------------------------------------------------------
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A Day in the life of Monty the Python
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My snake's point of view
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from Platinum Ego
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Well today started out relatively normal... the sun came up all
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at once nearly blinding me again at the same time this weird noise
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started. I heard someone groan and then there was a crash and the
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weird noise stopped. I slithered out of my box to hunt for mice again
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but to my dismay, there were none in my little 5 by 2 foot kingdom.
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So I did what any self-respecting member of the reptile kingdom would
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do: I fell asleep in the sun for 8 hours.
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I woke up when I heard something slam, and then that box in the
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corner of the room started flashing the little lights again. Up above,
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the sky opened up and that big warm tree picked me up. I love these
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big warm trees, I just wish they wouldn't move around so much. I
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curled around the top part really tightly to get as warm as I could.
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The tree started making weezing sounds and struggled a lot, but it
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eventually stopped. Anyway, I went off to hunt for mice again... I
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couldn't find any.
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What I did find were a lot more of those warm moving trees, but I
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was warm enough so I just left them alone. That black furry thing with
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legs that doesn't like me went to this place called "outside" a lot, I
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hear the word every time the invisible wall opens. I got to wondering
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what was so wonderful about this outside place anyway, so I followed
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it through the invisible wall. The first thing I saw was a lot of wood
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on the ground. I couldn't even see the dirt there was so much of it.
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I went out looking for mice again... I found a really big one with a
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furry tail. So I hid in the bushes for a while till it got really
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close and I bit it and wrapped around it and suffocated it.
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Then came the fun part. It was too big to eat...
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So I carried it back to the "inside" place and got up on one of
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the high places in the "kitchen" place. I saw the big warm trees put
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things into a big invisible cup that makes a lot of noise, so I
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decided to try it. I put the big fuzzy mouse in a big invisible cup
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and pushed a button and it made a loud noise and there was red stuff
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everywhere and when I looked back at the mouse, it was gone. Just a
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lot of red liquidy stuff. Then one of the big warm trees came into the
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room so I hid. It said "Hey who made tomato juice?" and drank all the
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red stuff... That was mine! oh well... Maybe tomorrow I'll eat,
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snakes can go months between meals.
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----------------------------------------------------------------------
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(Editors Note - In response to new legislation requiring equal space,
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coverage, and facilities for the stupid, we have included the
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following article)
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THE TEN RULES OF MORON-HOOD
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AS SOME OF YOU MAY OR MAY NOT KNOW, I HAVE HAD MANY YEARS
|
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EXPERIENCE ACTING LIKE A MORON ONLINE, SO I HAVE DECIDED TO PASS THIS
|
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EXPERIENCE ON TO OTHERS IN SOMETHING I WOULD LIKE TO CALL A PATHETIC
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ATTEMPT AT ANOTHER T-FILE. HERE'S TO ALL YOU FELLOW MORONS OUT THERE!
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FIRST RULE: YOU MUST LEAVE CAPS LOCK ON.. IF YOU DO NOT, YOU WILL NOT
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BE SPEAKING SO PEOPLE CAN READ YOU, SO YOU WILL NOT BE LISTENED TO. IF
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YOU HAVE NO CAPS LOCK KEY OR IT IS STUCK DOWN BY STICKY THINGS <GUM
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AND OTHER WORDS WHICH RHYME WITH GUM> JUST PUT A LARGE HEAVY OBJECT ON
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THE SHIFT KEY.
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SECOND RULE: IF YOU KNOW PEOPLE ON THE BBS YOU ARE CURRENTLY ON AND
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YOU SEE THESE PEOPLE ONCE OR MORE PER WEEK YOU MUST GO INTO THE
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GENERAL MESSAGES OR EQUIVELANT MESSAGE BASE AND POST A MESSAGE SAYING
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HI TO THOSE PEOPLE, BUT IT CANNOT EXCEED 10 WORDS, OTHERWISE YOU WILL
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BE MAKING IT TOO LONG AND COMPLEX FOR PEOPLE LIKE YOURSELF TO READ, SO
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THEN YOU WILL NOT BE LISTENED TO AGAIN.
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THIRD RULE: TRY AND TALK ABOUT PIRACY AND ANARCHY EVERYWHERE. YOU MUST
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GO INTO THE MESSAGE BASES AND POST ADS FOR 3LŒt3 BBS'S AS WELL AS TALK
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ABOUT HOW MUCH YOU WISH AMERICA AND THE WORLD WOULD NOT HAVE ANY
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GOVERNMENT SO YOU CAN LOOK LIKE YOU KNOW EVERYTHING AND THEN HAVE
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EVERYONE REPLY TO YOU AND PROVE YOU WRONG, THIS WAY, YOU KNOW PEOPLE
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ARE LISTENING TO YOU BECAUSE THEY ARE RESPONDING TO YOUR MESSAGES.
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FOURTH RULE: IF THERE ARE X-RATED GIFS ON THIS BBS, DOWNLOAD THEM ALL,
|
|
GETTING FILE POINTS OR RATIO ETC'S BY UPLOADING LARGE TEXT FILES THAT
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ARE 1 MEG THAT GOT THAT BIG BY HOLDING DOWN THE T KEY FOR AN HOUR. IF
|
|
THERE ARE NOT ANY YOU MUST PESTER THE SYSOP ABOUT THEM SAYING THAT HE
|
|
MUST BE A FAG BECAUSE HE DOES NOT HAVE ANY X-RATED GIFS OF GIRLS OR
|
|
ANYTHING ON THE BBS.
|
|
|
|
FIFTH RULE: YOU MUST POST ABOUT VIRUII AND UPLOAD SOME VIRUII TO THE
|
|
BBS SO THAT THE BBS CAN BECOME COOL. WITHOUT VIRUII, THE BOARDS SUCK,
|
|
WITH THEM YOU KNOW THAT THEY WILL BE SAFE AND YOU'LL KNOW YOU'LL NEVER
|
|
GET A VIRUS ON ACCIDENT <OR ON PURPOSE, BECAUSE THEY ARE ALREADY ALL
|
|
ONLINE! ISN'T LOGIC WONDERFUL?>
|
|
|
|
SIXTH RULE: YOU MUST SAY THINGS THAT ARE TOTALLY STUPID, YOU WILL SAY
|
|
ONE WORD ANSWERS THAT WILL LEAVE THE POSTERS GUESSING! THIS WAY YOU
|
|
KNOW YOU ARE ENHANCING THE LIVES OF OTHERS BY MAKING THEM THINK ABOUT
|
|
WHAT YOUR POSTS REALLY MEAN. YOU ARE PAVING THE WAY FOR A CLEANER,
|
|
SMARTER, CYBERSPACE.
|
|
|
|
SEVENTH RULE: E-MAIL AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN ASKING STRANGE AND
|
|
STUPID QUESTIONS AND TALKING ABOUT ONLINE GAMES, ATTEMPTING TO GET
|
|
THEM TO PLAY THEM AND BE ON YOUR TEAM AND SUCH AND SUCH SO THAT YOU
|
|
KNOW THESE PEOPLE LIKE YOU AND WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND. IF THEY REJECT,
|
|
THEY OBVIOUSLY ARE FUCKED IN THE HEAD SO YOU WANT TO PUT ON ALL YOUR
|
|
ELITE BLACK-LISTS THAT SO-AND-SO IS SOMEONE WHO WILL NOT BE ABLE TO
|
|
CALL THE ELITE BOARD BECAUSE THEY ARE OBVIOUSLY MORONS.
|
|
|
|
EIGHTH RULE: IF THERE IS SOMETHING YOUR SYSOP HATES AND YOU KNOW ABOUT
|
|
IT, YOU MUST POST THIS IN EVERY SINGLE MESSAGE BASE YOU CAN THINK OF
|
|
TO POST IT IN. THIS WILL ENSURE THAT THE SYSOP GETS OVER THIS HATRED
|
|
OF THE PARTICULAR THING BECAUSE HE IS FORCED TO DEAL WITH IT. AND THIS
|
|
GOES TO PROVE AGAIN YOU HAVE HELPED HUMANITY, ONE STEP AT A TIME.
|
|
|
|
NINTH RULE: IF THERE IS A BBS YOU WANT TO ADVERTISE FOR, YOU WILL POST
|
|
IT IN EVERY BASE! THIS WILL MAKE SURE PEOPLE WILL HEAR YOU, I MEAN, IF
|
|
THERE'S A 15% CHANCE THEY'LL CALL AFTER SEEING ONE ADD, AND THERE'S 5
|
|
BASES ON THE SYSTEM, IF YOU PUT IT UP ONCE IN EACH BASE, THAT'LL BE A
|
|
95% CHANCE OF THEM CALLING! ISN'T THAT WONDERFUL! MATH WORKS INTO ALL
|
|
THIS TOO!
|
|
|
|
TENTH RULE: YOU SHOULD SPEND ALL OF YOUR TIME ONLINE. IF YOU HAVE 3
|
|
HOURS, TRY AND USE THE FULL 3 HOURS. THE SYSOP GIVES YOU 3 HOURS SO
|
|
YOU CAN USE IT, NOT SO IT SITS AROUND AND IS NOT USED AT ALL! GOOD
|
|
PLACES TO STAY ONLINE ARE THE T-FILES, ONLINE GAMES, AND LISTING OF
|
|
FILES. YOU CAN DO THESE OVER AND OVER AGAIN SO THAT YOU REMEMBER WHERE
|
|
EVERY SINGLE THING IS LOCATED, SO YOU CAN IN TURN HELP USERS OUT LATER
|
|
|
|
WELL, IF YOU FOLLOW THESE 10 RULES OF MORON-HOOD, WITHIN 2
|
|
DAYS YOU WILL BECOME A MORON! I HOPE THAT YOU ENRICH THE LIVES OF
|
|
OTHERS WITH THESE NEW SKILLS YOU HAVE LEARNED! AND REMEMBER, NEVER
|
|
STOP LEARNING!
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
More Short Stories
|
|
by Aquarius
|
|
|
|
|
|
The Broken Printer
|
|
|
|
Samuel Yartley had a broken printer. No matter what he tried,
|
|
it would not print a single letter. He took it to the nearest service
|
|
center and asked if it could be fixed.
|
|
|
|
"Yes." said the repairperson.
|
|
"How much and how long?" said Samuel.
|
|
"Around $75 and probably four weeks since we'll have to send
|
|
it out." replied the repairperson.
|
|
"Oh, O.K." said Samuel as he handed over the printer.
|
|
Samuel and the repairperson stood there for a little bit,
|
|
waiting for the narrator to return from the restroom.
|
|
When he came back, he had forgotten how the story was supposed
|
|
to end and that I was telling my story from the wrong perspective.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Collecting Stamps Is A Fun And Enjoyable Hobby
|
|
|
|
Ron enjoyed collecting stamps. It was fun to look at all the
|
|
different stamps from around the world and then paste them in the
|
|
correct spot in his book. Once in a while he would go the post office
|
|
and get some brand-new stamps! Shut up.
|
|
|
|
|
|
What A Cretin
|
|
|
|
Albert was overweight. He wished he could just look like all
|
|
the other kids. One day Albert decided to change his life. He began
|
|
jogging, excercising, and eating all the right foods. After two years
|
|
of this he looked at himself in the mirror and saw that he was still
|
|
as fat as ever. Disbelieving, he weighed himself. The scale still
|
|
showed 290! He hadn't lost a pound.
|
|
|
|
Two days later he died of hunger.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Time Travel
|
|
|
|
Dr. Porters had done it! The time machine was finished! At
|
|
last, he could finally become the first person to travel through time!
|
|
|
|
He got into the time machine and set the controls for 1908.
|
|
The moment of truth had arrived... he reached forward and pulled the
|
|
lever to activate the hypo-drive.
|
|
|
|
Unfortunately, Dr. Porters was only hallucinating. He is
|
|
really a ferris-wheel operator at your local carnival. As he stepped
|
|
out of what he thought was his time machine, his lab coat got caught
|
|
in the ferris-wheel motor. Dr. Porters was mangled beyond
|
|
recognition. As the paramedics took away what was left of his body,
|
|
the ferris-wheel timewarped back to the year 1908, a land of mystery,
|
|
intrigue, and... DINOSAURS.
|
|
|
|
(to be continued in Time Travel ][)
|
|
|
|
|
|
Alternate Family Circus
|
|
|
|
We all hate Family Circus and its unrealistic cheerful family
|
|
portrayals. Here are some alternate captions, I think you can picture
|
|
the actual drawing fairly easily...
|
|
|
|
1. "Daddy, I liked how you spanked me that time!"
|
|
2. "Was the mailman in Mommy's bed because he was tired?"
|
|
3. "Why are you kissing Daddy down there?"
|
|
4. "I HATE ALL YOU FUCKING KIDS."
|
|
5. "Dolly had a headache so she ate all Mommy's pills!"
|
|
6. "Will Jeffy's arm grow back like a starfish?"
|
|
7. "Gramma won't wake up!"
|
|
8. "So the integral of that parabola factors into an acceleration
|
|
curve?"
|
|
9. "Why was Daddy snorting the powdered sugar instead of eating it?"
|
|
10. "How do we know Grampa isn't in hell?"
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
****Social Awareness Corner!****
|
|
|
|
|
|
"The Invasion Of The Giant Chia Pets From Mars."
|
|
OR
|
|
"Anti-Chia Crusade '95"
|
|
- By Razorline
|
|
|
|
|
|
The Chia Pet.
|
|
Totally harmless.
|
|
Water it.
|
|
Watch it grow.
|
|
Fun for the whole family.
|
|
Right?
|
|
WRONG.
|
|
|
|
THE CONSPIRACY
|
|
|
|
It's all a conspiracy. How else would such a cheap company
|
|
afford to show so many cheap commercials at every time of the day. Ok,
|
|
so they don't anymore. But they used to. It's because their conspiracy
|
|
has begun. Their plot has started. The time bomb has been activated.
|
|
|
|
WHAT CONSPIRACY?
|
|
|
|
Ah, yes. What conspiracy indeed. Brilliantly planned.
|
|
Brilliantly executed. No one would suspect a thing. Until it was too
|
|
late. The poor, unsuspecting housewife, with her 2.3 kids, currently
|
|
popular breed of dog, husband making the current average income of
|
|
$55,000 grand a year, and her nice, domestic two-story brown and white
|
|
brick house, was doomed. And there was nothing she could do. The
|
|
conspiracy was perfect. Who would have suspected. Yes, who indeed.
|
|
|
|
WHAT CONSPIRACY, ALREADY?!?!?
|
|
|
|
The conspiracy of World Domination. Yes, that's right. World
|
|
Domination. Watch them grow. Yes. Watch them grow. But once they've
|
|
started, who's going to make them stop? You water them. They grow.
|
|
Water. Grow. Water. Grow. Soon, they've reached the perfect size
|
|
advertised on the TV. But do they stop there? Nope. You don't have to
|
|
water them. Watch them grow. And grow. And grow. WHEN WILL IT ALL
|
|
END??? WHEN WILL IT ALL END???
|
|
|
|
WHEN *WILL* IT ALL END?
|
|
|
|
It would end when the Chias have complete control over the
|
|
world as we know it. When the world is thrown into anarchy. When we
|
|
are but slaves here to cater to their every whim. The Chias have come,
|
|
not from a science lab, but from Mars. Yes, that's right. Mars. The
|
|
Invasion Of The Giant Chia Pets From Mars. They forced the television
|
|
producers to run their ads. It's all a huge conspiracy, right up to
|
|
the big cheeses up in Fox. The Chias Rule Them All. Who would have
|
|
suspected.
|
|
|
|
WHAT CAN I DO TO STOP THIS INVASION OF THE
|
|
GIANT CHIA PETS FROM MARS? I WANT TO HELP!
|
|
|
|
Ah, good. You want to help. You CAN help. That's right. You
|
|
can help save the world from the Chias. Join the Anti-Chia Crusade. We
|
|
attack the television stations that promote the buying of Chia Pets.
|
|
We attack Chia Pet factories. We destroy Chia Pets wherever they may
|
|
be found. We burn them at the cross. The only way to kill them. They
|
|
are immortal but to fire when burned upon a cross. Join us. Save the
|
|
world. Destroy The Chia Pets.
|
|
|
|
For more info, write:
|
|
|
|
Farmer Bob's Homemade Chocolate Chip Cookies*
|
|
PO Box 123
|
|
Santa Ana, California
|
|
|
|
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
|
|
|
|
*It's an alias. The Chias have spies throughout the postal service,
|
|
you know.
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
(Editors Note - The following is a true story. Proceed with caution.
|
|
Also, all characters and products in the following article are
|
|
fictional. Any resemblance to real people, events, or soft drinks
|
|
is entirely coincidental. If you can suspend your disbelief long
|
|
enough to ignore the fact that the first two statements contradict
|
|
each other, you're our kind of reader!)
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
"The Hiss Of Success"
|
|
by Oregano
|
|
|
|
|
|
John wasn't the kind of person who would have noticed the
|
|
special sound. One day after a long hours at the office, filing
|
|
folders and writing memos, John opened a can of Pepsi and his
|
|
world changed.
|
|
|
|
The crunch of metal tearing apart from metal fed his need
|
|
for violence, the crisp sound, the can forever disfigured,
|
|
ripped open with leveraged force. Then a spurt, liquid turned
|
|
to gas in a sudden rush of pressure, forced out by freed carbon
|
|
dioxide. Spurt. The release let John release all his tension,
|
|
he was carried away to a a soft world of carmel color, floating
|
|
on a cloud of carbonated bubbles. He just listened as the gas
|
|
fizzled up through the cold Pepsi, fizz dancing on the surface,
|
|
he felt he was dancing along with it, stepping from bubble to
|
|
bubble, ready to dive into pleasure.
|
|
|
|
John licked his lips and pressed them against the cold can,
|
|
he tilted back the can till the opener-ring pressed gently
|
|
against his nose; he let the elixer flow to his mouth, bathing
|
|
his tongue in flavors too rich for this world. Still the best
|
|
part was over, though he was refreshed fully, he still felt a
|
|
loss after the can was opened, the first bit of violence was
|
|
over. It was the tearing of metal, and the *pfft* that the
|
|
Pepsi gave so willingly that excited John. He gulped down the
|
|
entire contents of the can and then opened another, just to
|
|
hear the sound of its music.
|
|
|
|
If only he could do this more often.
|
|
|
|
The next day he found himself opening more cans than he
|
|
could drink. After the release of opening them, he'd offer them
|
|
to his co-workers. They were suspicious, but they watched him
|
|
carefully and saw no tampering and wrote it off as John having a
|
|
new relationship.
|
|
|
|
There would have to be a better way to satiate this need,
|
|
the soda from the machine was expensive. The newspaper found a
|
|
solution, he could work at a party as a bartender's assistant.
|
|
He called up and came in for an interview, they responded to his
|
|
enthusiasm with a special deal, he would be in charge of soft
|
|
drinks at an upcoming party.
|
|
|
|
One evening a few days later found John in a tux, behind
|
|
him were 17 cases of Pepsi (the partygoer's favorite.)
|
|
Excitement welled up in John's heart, he readied himself for
|
|
the evening by taking out a can, and ever so slowly pulling
|
|
back the metal tab. A hiss escaped, and kept on going. Slow.
|
|
He was careful and the hiss lasted almost 30 seconds. He saw
|
|
the top of the can sink, like a boxer letting out his air after
|
|
landing the big punch, the can deflated under the pull of John's
|
|
finger. Finally the air was out, a little Pepsi floated around
|
|
the ring defined by the lip of the can. John then pulled harder
|
|
and listened to the crackling of the punch-top separating. A
|
|
wave of relief washed over him, he was ready.
|
|
|
|
A paunchy red-head came up to the bar and asked for a Pepsi,
|
|
John took a can off the top and popped it open, enjoying every
|
|
nuance of the sound. He filled a plastic cup with round ice
|
|
cubes and poured the drink. The red-head smiled and thanked John
|
|
as she curtsied away. Others soon followed as the party picked
|
|
up steam. A can here and a can there, but John was on the ball
|
|
and opened the cans with great care. The noise started to pick
|
|
up and things moved just a bit faster. He opened can after
|
|
can, but still got a tingle from each one.
|
|
|
|
The band picked up its tempo, and the sound guy who had been
|
|
dozing through the first part of the party, woke from some trance
|
|
and turned up the volume. John then had difficulty hearing the
|
|
rush of Pepsi as it broke out of the can, but he kept plugging
|
|
away, the night was young and he was happy.
|
|
|
|
Can after can was opened and excitement passed through
|
|
him. The music picked up, louder faster. Dancers, drained from
|
|
the furious pace came off the dance floor dripping sweat, their
|
|
pallets screaminng for Pepsi. John tried to keep up, but the
|
|
demand was too great, he opened cans as fast as he could, still
|
|
not fast enough, he opened them two at a time, still the crowd
|
|
ached for more. The Pepsi cans tormented his hands, his vice was
|
|
biting him back, the Pepsi cans were like metal dogs chewing at
|
|
his fingers, the spurts roaring out derision with each pull of
|
|
the tab. The spray was like venom, cursing him for ever likeing
|
|
the thrill. The crowd turned angry, they yelled at him for his
|
|
slowness in filling orders. Someone threw a cherry (from a cup
|
|
on the bar) and John tried to work faster, but the room was
|
|
spinning and angry cans of Pepsi mocked him wherever he turned.
|
|
|
|
A hand reached out from behind John and grabbed his
|
|
shoulder, "That's enough, John, Renaldo will take over from
|
|
here. Go home you've had a long night, this crowd is too much
|
|
for you." Those waiting at the bar cheered, John was humilated.
|
|
He tried to argue but the manager convinced him that it was for
|
|
the best. He got his paycheck and drove home, careful to not
|
|
touch anything with the raw flesh exposed from all the opening
|
|
of cans.
|
|
|
|
The next day dawned with beauty. John rolled out of bed
|
|
and threw open the curtains. The sun was out in full force,
|
|
children played baseball in the street. The night before John
|
|
had no time for dinner, not even a break to get some water and
|
|
now he was dying of thirst. In the refrigerator a can of Pepsi
|
|
stared him down; in his mind he heard the crack crack of a can
|
|
opening, like a child's leg bone breaking. He picked up the can
|
|
anyway, it seemed to burn his hands, like a crucifix to a
|
|
vampire. He bobbled the can and dropped it in the trash.
|
|
"Enough of that," he thought and quenched his thirst with a nice
|
|
tall glass of milk.
|
|
|
|
(Editors Note - Alright, well, "true" is a highly subjective word...)
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Dystropia:
|
|
Who Needs Titles When We've Got Each Other?
|
|
by Midget Caesar
|
|
|
|
|
|
Considering that it was a dark sort of house, and that it was
|
|
crowded, and that there was no way out, and that there wasn't much
|
|
food, and that something(s) smelled bad, and there were occasionally
|
|
menacing cackles emanating from thin air, and that the plumbing wasn't
|
|
quite working, and that no one much wanted to be there, and that the
|
|
latest issue of Propaganda Unlimited was ridiculously late because its
|
|
editor was locked inside the house too, and that the TV was having an
|
|
identity crisis (it kept trying to toast bread, and broke down in
|
|
humiliation at its repeated failure), and that no one much liked
|
|
anyone else there, and that no one had brought a change of clothes,
|
|
and that Vernon was late getting back to work, and that all the
|
|
furniture and wallpaper was a weird sort of floral print, and that
|
|
none of the rooms were really big enough to get a proper game of
|
|
"duck-duck-goose" going, and that no one could seem to keep the
|
|
sentences from running on to epic proportions, things were actually
|
|
going rather well. Percy thought so, at least. Just about everyone
|
|
else had become a raving lunatic to some degree.
|
|
|
|
Devotees were constantly underfoot, hunting for Darius (who was
|
|
quite sick of them by this point). For that reason, no one noticed
|
|
when a couple of them disappeared.....
|
|
|
|
(a light clicked on. Adam looked up. Maybe this secret passage
|
|
could lead to something good?
|
|
|
|
"Sit down, Adam."
|
|
|
|
The voice was so firm and kind, Adam couldn't see any reason to
|
|
resist. He didn't even get too annoyed when he found himself
|
|
superglued to the chair.
|
|
|
|
"Here, Adam. Eat this Jays [tm] potato chip."
|
|
|
|
Adam ate it and smiled. What a nice guy he had found! If only the
|
|
nice guy would step out of the shadows....Adam waited patiently
|
|
for the next potato chip. After all, you can't just eat one Jays
|
|
[tm]
|
|
potato chip.....
|
|
|
|
"Muahahahahhaha!"
|
|
|
|
Adam realized that he wasn't going to get another potato chip.
|
|
|
|
And then Adam went mad.)
|
|
|
|
Vernon had taken to hanging himself upside down from the undersides
|
|
of staircases and perching like a bat to go to sleep. He didn't want
|
|
any of these people usurping his place as the 8th deadliest hunter in
|
|
the world. In his caution, though, his boxers would ride up on him,
|
|
and that would lose him just enough points in the hunters' ranking to
|
|
drop him down to 9th place. Vernon wouldn't find this out until a
|
|
little later, though.
|
|
|
|
Around this point, Percy realized that he had never seen any of
|
|
those paintings that people sometimes talk about that have dogs
|
|
playing poker.
|
|
|
|
People were gone, there was no doubt about it. Darius admittedly
|
|
didn't do well in BC Calculus, but his devotees had all disappeared.
|
|
Soon, Darius was the only one left. How different his outlook on
|
|
things might have been had he only known that drinking 3 cups of %2
|
|
Milk is comparable to eating 9 strips of bacon!
|
|
|
|
A general rule: Don't inhale anything that can inhale you back.
|
|
|
|
The Entity reached over to scratch itself on the back, and found
|
|
itself strangled in the excesses of the plot. Upon this, everyone was
|
|
free. The Aphex Twins were nice enough to remix everything, and it
|
|
came out something like this:
|
|
|
|
"Hot cha."
|
|
|
|
Amen.
|
|
|
|
|
|
(stay tuned for....a miracle! of course, life is a miracle that we
|
|
experience through the bounty of God, so stop reading this and
|
|
convert you heathen child)
|
|
|
|
|
|
======================================================================
|
|
|
|
Afterword:
|
|
|
|
|
|
"live free, drink Pepsi", but Pepsi costs money.
|
|
|
|
one could begin to think they're only in it for profit.
|
|
|
|
Anyways, if there actually is anyone who still recieves this magazine,
|
|
I really am sorry about the delays in production. Submissions were nil
|
|
for a few months, and it took so long to get enough that it's hard to
|
|
get excited about any of this anymore. Do we have an audience left? I
|
|
have no problem with talking to myself (ask any CTA employee), but I
|
|
rarely type it out....
|
|
|
|
If you're still interested in PU (or just the idea of PU), email us!
|
|
Get interactive! If you don't want to submit anything, at least just
|
|
send feedback. And if you're a quid pro quo type, send along a GIF of
|
|
your living room decor and we'll have our professional team critique
|
|
it and send you back a nice reply.
|
|
|
|
The future being uncertain, we'll have to skip the Coming Attractions.
|
|
Hopefully by next issue we'll have Fear and Loathing as well as the
|
|
magic (not the Magic [tm]) back. woop.
|
|
|
|
MC
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Distribution List: (We Love Youse Guys)
|
|
|
|
Club Evermore (HQ)
|
|
312-476-1508
|
|
|
|
Legion of the Undead (home of Cyberspace Live)
|
|
708-546-4605
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the Obloid Sphere (home of STD - the *text* group, that is)
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708-965-3098
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Munden's Bar is temporarily offline.
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Patronize these boards! Don't give into the commercial services! They
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only want your money, we're doing it 'cause.....well, we're bored. but
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there's principle and everything.
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Internet:
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PULETTERS@aol.com
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or
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mcfish@ripco.com
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and homepage:
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http://crh0003.urh.uiuc.edu/~grog/pu/pulist.html
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(temporarily offline, but keep trying!)
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----------------------------------------------------------------------
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Thank you, and goodnight.
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(c) 1995 MangoJam '96 Productions, Inc. - all rights repressed
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======================================================================
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