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--------------------------------------------------------------------------
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T h e R a t P h i l e s
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A Dead Rat Society Publication
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------
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EDITORIAL
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~~~~~~~~~~~
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We're back again! Yes, *this* is the official, complete, pure and
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unadulterated RAT electronic magazine, issue 9.
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RAT has been undergoing a little evolution in the past few months,
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we hope for the better. It has officially become 'an electronic
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amateur writer's magazine'. Read the officialdom at the end of the
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phile for more on that.
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Share and enjoy,
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The Eds.
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---------------------------------------------------------------------------
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This Month's Exciting Edition Contains the Following Important Items :-
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- Editorial
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- Mailbox Improvement Service
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- Online Games News
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- Sale of The Century
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- Barbie Dolls
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- The Quest for Truth
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- Headlines
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- Stir Trek 3
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- Quotable Quotes
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- 15 Ways to Annoy a Sysop
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- IF
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- Kiddies Korner
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- Officialdom Stuff
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- Credits
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- BBS Listings
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----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Are you jealous of your neighbors newly painted letter box?
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Is your ordinary green mailbox looking decidely unoriginal?
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Does the postman yawn when he delivers your letters?
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Why not call...
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* * * LACHY'S MAIL BOX IMPROVEMENT SERVICE! * * *
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___________________ ___________________
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/ / | / *(+=*!LACHY*@!@!/@|
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/_________________/ | /_!@_$6%66_$_~!6@_/@#|
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| | | |!LACHY!@($&@^@$^^|@#|
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| ========= | / |\{!@*$===[]===@$$|?/
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|_________________|/ |YARRASUX!%@$_$@@!|/
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| | | | | |
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_\]| | |/._ _\]| | |/._
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.-=+[{"[;]{//_ .-=+[{"[;]{//_
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B E F O R E A F T E R
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The complete letter box repainting service.
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In the latest fashion colours: bright red, bright yellow and bright pink.
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Call now. (03) 794-7949. First fifty customers receive a free
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genuine Lachy fish shirt and matching tie.
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---------------------------------------------------------------------------
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ON-LINE GAME NEWS!
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Hey folks..there is a new online game out.. called Global Destruction...
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Here's a sample printout..
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___________________________________________________________________________
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|o| |o|
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|o| |o|
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|o| |o|
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|o| Welcome to Global Destruction! |o|
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|o| ------------------------------ |o|
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|o| |o|
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|o| |o|
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|o| Locating your account details.. Yes! You're that dweeb from MELB,VIC.|o|
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|o| |o|
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|o| Things that have happened since your last call: |o|
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|o| |o|
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|o| |o|
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|o| SADDAM HUSSEIN (Player 1) invaded KUWAIT with three armies. |o|
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|o| KUWAIT lost a few thousand peasants. SADDAM HUSSEIN captured |o|
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|o| OIL RESERVES. In response, GEORGE BUSH (Player 2) sent four |o|
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|o| armies into SAUDI ARABIA, in fear of losing more OIL RESERVES, |o|
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|o| and thus running out of OIL to give to his ARMIES. |o|
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|o| |o|
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|o| UNITED NATIONS has issued 3 commendations to GEORGE BUSH, |o|
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|o| for being AMERICAN. |o|
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|o| |o|
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|o| |o|
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|o| It's your move, SADDAM HUSSEIN: |o|
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|o| |o|
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|o| Your command? MURDER THE UNHOLY BASTARDS WITH THE WRATH OF ALLAH! |o|
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|o| |o|
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|o| |o|
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|o| Calculating move..... |o|
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|o| |o|
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|o| |o|
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|o| You unleash the power of ALLAH upon the world and start a |o|
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|o| HOLY WAR. Casualties across MIDDLE EAST, millions die. You |o|
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|o| gain 5 kilometres of land. |o|
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|o| |o|
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|o| You receive 0 commendations, because you're not AMERICAN. |o|
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|o| |o|
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|o| |o|
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|o| |o|
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|o|_______________________________________________________________________|o|
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----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Are you working too hard?
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Is the boss asking you to complete too many things?
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Are you not getting paid a full days wage for your half day work?
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Is the stress of a broken coffee machine just too much?
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How about a career change?
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Why not become..
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a university lecturer.
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----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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$$$
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$$$$
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$$$$
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$$$
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$$$ $$$
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$$$$$$
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$$ $$$$ $$$
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$$$ $$$ $$$
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$$$ $$$$$
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$$$$$ $$$ $$$
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$$$$ $$$ $$$
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$$$ $$$ $$$ $$$ $$$
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$$$ $$$ $$$ $$$ $$$
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$$$$$ $$$ $$$$$ $$$$$
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$$$ $$ $$$$$ $$$ $$$
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$$$ $$$$ $$$
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$$$ $$$ $$$ $$$ of the
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$$$$ $$$ $$$ CC
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$$$ CCCCCC CCCCC CC CC CCCCCC CC CC CCCCCC CC CC
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$$ $$$ CC CC CC CCCC CC CC CC CC CC CC CC CC
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$$$$$$$ CC CCCC CC CCCC CC CCC CC CC CCCCCC CCCC
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$$$ CC CC CC CC CCC CC CC CC CC CC CC
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$$$ CCCCCC CCCCC CC CC CC CCCCCC CC CC CC
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$$$ CC
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FX: Play jingle, flash lights, etc...
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[ Enter compere, Lachy Maher, dressed in a garish bright shirt and matching
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fish tie. He runs around the stage a lot, waves arms, and acts like a
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real idiot. ]
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LACHY: Hi folks!
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AUDIENCE: Hi Lachy!
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[ Audience cheers...]
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[ Lachy stops, smiles like a used-car salesman, and then positions himself
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behind the compere's desk. ]
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LACHY: Hey, a funny thing happened on the way to the studio tonight!
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I was walking across the studio carpark when this flying saucer
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landed and out hopped all these 3 feet tall aliens, and they said
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to me ... "take me to your ladder !"
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[audience cheers and claps loudly]
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And now, introducing the lovely.... Mr. Jordan!
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[ Enter Mr. Jordan, dressed in a strapless evening gown..]
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LACHY: Why, you're looking lovely as usual tonight, Mr. Jordan.
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JORDY: Why thankyou Tony.. err i mean Lachy. Did you know, a funny thing
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happened on the way here tonight..
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LACHY: What was that, Jordy ?
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JORDY: I was walking across the studio carpark, and there was a flying
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saucer there, and all these short green aliens started asking me
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if I knew where they could buy sunglasses !
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[audience cheers and claps loudly]
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LACHY: Hey, why don't you introduce our guests tonite, Jordy?
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JORDY: Sure thing Lachy. Our carry-over champion tonite is Inki. She's a
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mother of four, a sysop and convicted bibliophile.
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[Audience cheers..]
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JORDY: Our second contestant tonite is a man who likes to spend his time
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writing programs for his Amiga 500, growing beards and pretending
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to be an intellectual. Say hi to Daaaaave Seikel!
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[ Audience cheers..]
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Our final contestant is the founder of the Mr.Jordan fan club,
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a DragNet representative and part time sysop. It's Handyman!
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[ Audience boos, hisses..]
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LACHY: Buzzers ready.. here we go..
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Ok, what is the capital of Victoria?
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FX: Bzzzz!
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DAVE: Melbourne?
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FX: Bzzzz!
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INKI: Perth?
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FX: Bzzzz!
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HANDY: Darwin?
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LACHY: All wrong! Its actually about three dollars fifty.
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Next question... Who am I?
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FX: Bzzzz!
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DAVE: Lachy Maher.
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LACHY: Correct.
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Where do you find virgin wool?
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FX: Bzzzz!
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DAVE: On ugly sheep?
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FX: Bzzzz!
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INKI: Anywhere but New Zealand?
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LACHY: Hmm.. I think I'll skip that one.
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Ok, now for the bonus points, Which is the best BBS software ?
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FX: Bzzzz!
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INKI: SuperBBS!
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FX: Bzzzz!
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HANDY: RemoteAccess!
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FX: BRRRRRINGGGGGGGGG!
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LACHY: Oh, dear, that's the bell for the end of the round, and we're
|
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right out of time, I guess we'll just have to wait till next time to
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find out the answer to that one ... say Good Night, Jordy !
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JORDY: Good Night Jordy !
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FX: [lights dim until only the silhouettes of host, hostess and
|
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contestants can be seen. The contestants are obviously arguing
|
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about the answer to the last question. Music plays as screen fades
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to black.]
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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|
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BARBIE DOLLS !
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Handyman's view!
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I loathe Barbie and her simpering ways.
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I also know that there will never be a real-life Barbie, for who
|
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would buy her?
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|
|
Can you imagine young girls adoring and adorning anorexic Barbie,
|
|
the doll that comes with a complete set of out-sized clothes and
|
|
detachable hair?
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|
|
Or could you see a rush on obese Barbie, the doll that couldn't
|
|
fit into her own doll's house?
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|
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Or how about working-mum Barbie, the doll that comes with a
|
|
special support to prop her at the sink at the end of the day?
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|
|
And who would buy feminist Barbie, the doll that not only paints
|
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her own town-house, and fixes her own dream car, but also, at the
|
|
press of a button, propositions Ken?
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|
|
|
As I look at the future of the Barbie doll, my only hope is that
|
|
somehow, peaches 'n' cream Barbie ends up in the same box as
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Skeletor (the evil lord of destruction) - and that he rips her
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bloody arms off.
|
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----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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|
|
In The Quest For Truth
|
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
|
|
|
Nothing is certain
|
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Nothing is done
|
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Nothing is over
|
|
When you think you've won
|
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|
Everything changes
|
|
Everything moves
|
|
Whoever remembers
|
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Yesterdays news?
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|
|
Life philosophies change
|
|
With each clock chime
|
|
Believing in something
|
|
Not entirely devine
|
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A constant idea
|
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Warms and secures
|
|
One day it will blow away
|
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And return will your fears
|
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Arrogant you stand
|
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Believing in right
|
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Little do you know
|
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How pitiful your plight
|
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----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
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|
|
I was scrounging around the RAT archives a few days ago, and lo-and-behold
|
|
look what I found! Over the years some of our editors have been collecting
|
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newspaper articles about members of the society! And what revelations!
|
|
(Unfortunately, these articles were stored on top of the heater near the
|
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air moisteriser and have deteriorated slightly... )
|
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|
|
+-------------------------------+
|
|
| {__
|
|
| Aphelia Bottom Confesses.. |
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| |
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| I SLEPT WITH A NINJA TURTLE! |
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| | _____________________________________
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| "Yes, its true", she confessed, | I I
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| openly sobbing infront of RAT | I POLICE CRACKDOWN ON PAEDOPHILES I
|
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| news reporters."But it was hot!"| I Inka Princess arrested! I
|
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| "I never thought Turtles would_{ I I
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| have such large _/-----------' I News just at hand has revealled I
|
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| "Even his ____{' I Police raided a house in Doveton I
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| lasted _/` I earlier today, and arrested I
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| +-----/ I a known paedophile. As well, the I
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|_/ +------------------------I Police confiscated $1000 in I
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| I computer equipment, believed I
|
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| Masked Avenger and FeaI to be used by paedophiles to I
|
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| I make contacts. Inspector Image I
|
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| Secret Love Affair!I was on the scene when reporters I
|
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| I_=_-=---=__+_=___+==__==-___--++_--I
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+-------------------------------+in bed with |
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| RAT 150 HITS TOP OF |photographs of |
|
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| BEST SELLER LIST |holding his nude |
|
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| ---------------- |together in bath | +--------------------{
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| |naked. The secret | | GIRL, 19, COMMITS_{
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| The 150th edition of the |shared. "I lov_____{ | SUICIDE _{
|
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| RAT philes has been selling |and will neve{ | {
|
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| like hot-cakes in Europe and |nd." ___{ | Shocking news{
|
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| the USA, as well as Australia|age 2____{ | heartbroken m{
|
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| From humble beginnings as an |____{ | Many boyfrie{
|
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| electronic hobby-writers mag-| | said Matthe{
|
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| azine, distributed on a few | | Serious.__{
|
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| local Bulletin Boards, the | | Yarra__{
|
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| phenomenon that is the rat | | Suc_{
|
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| philes has gone on to take | | X{
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| world by storm. | |_{
|
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+-------------------------------+
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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|
z z
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z zz z z
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z
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___ ________________________________z
|
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___________.+===-+.____________ O\\]] ] ] ] ] ] ] D/
|
|
\_..._____ ..... _____.. || `~~~~========== ~~~~~~~====
|
|
~`~~|_|~~~|.....\. / |==
|
|
z \ .. .\. / _ / ' zz
|
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zz \ ____\. / //
|
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zz |: -----\__|_./_________
|
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z /.~......o ........./\ z
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):: .. ... . ./__' z z
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`\\. oooo ___'
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~_____----""~
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z
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zz z z
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|
PROLOGUE:
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|
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After capture during his attempt to hi-jack the EgoPrise, Doctor McCoy
|
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(played by Doc) faced the supreme Federation Of Planets court, where
|
|
he was tried and found guilty on all counts of wilfully rigging the
|
|
story-line for his own endeavours. He was sentenced to thirteen years
|
|
on the Prison-Planet BetelSoup IV, were it was hoped he may reform so
|
|
one day he may return to his position as doctor on the U.S.S.Egoprise.
|
|
|
|
Although a lot of attention was paid to the trial of Doctor McCoy,
|
|
(and yes, it was very trying..) this was not the only trouble that
|
|
StarFleet Command was left to sort out. The two Space Pirates,
|
|
(Super Boy & Handyman) together with the corrupted Mr.Jordan (Mr.Jordan),
|
|
had eluded StarFleet Security and still roamed the galaxy as outlawed
|
|
programmers.
|
|
|
|
And so our story continues...
|
|
|
|
----------------------
|
|
|
|
Somewhere deep within the vastness of inter-stellar space, a rust-pitted
|
|
space-DeLoreon was sneaking up behind a cruising shuttle.
|
|
|
|
So sneaky was this move, in fact, that only one sort of low-down
|
|
space-garbage scum would ever attempt it.
|
|
|
|
Yes. We're talking contract-programming space pirates.
|
|
|
|
"Keep to da left!", cried Superboy, the evil space-pirate, as he slid
|
|
further back into his pilot seat, chewing on a lollipop and re-adjusting his
|
|
glasses. Handyman fidgeted nervously, and sat upright at the controls.
|
|
|
|
Into the room walked a gorgeous young woman (aka Mr.Jordan). She was dressed
|
|
in a pretty pink space-suit, the sort of outfit you'd expect out of a family
|
|
space pseudo-sci-fi series they fill in the hours between kiddies television
|
|
and the news on weekends, designed to show the femininity of the wearer, and
|
|
so increase the viewing audience to include more 'scientifically interested'
|
|
adult males.
|
|
|
|
"You shouldn't pick on him like that!", she said, pushing the short Super Boy
|
|
back into his seat. Her attention switched to the nervous pilot.
|
|
"Here, I brought you some more lollipops."
|
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|
|
Super Boy sat upright. Between sucks, he asked, "Where do you get these things?
|
|
They're delicious.."
|
|
|
|
"Oh, ", replied the girl, blushing. "These men who call themselves 'bbs users'
|
|
keep sending them through the mail. I haven't got the heart to refuse all of
|
|
them.". She held up a rather large red one. "I got this really big one from
|
|
an Inter-planetary Yellow-taxi driver!"
|
|
|
|
A light on the controls began to flash.
|
|
|
|
"Holy disk-crash!", cried Handyman. "A Federation Starship has just entered
|
|
this sector!".
|
|
|
|
Super Boy stayed cool. "Relax, man. How would they know what we're up to?
|
|
We're just a bunch of lowly out-of-work COBOL programmers cruising this
|
|
sector for a summer vacation. What's wrong with that?"
|
|
|
|
"This is a highly restricted security zone sector.", argued Handyman. "We're
|
|
carrying a thermo-nuclear device. We're also outlawed space-pirates, our
|
|
faces have been plastered on every Federation bulletin-board this side of The
|
|
Black Hole. It's winter. And we couldn't program in COBOL if our lives
|
|
depended on it."
|
|
|
|
"Hey, why spoil a good story with a few basic facts !?"
|
|
|
|
The onboard computer interrupted the philosophical discussion with its
|
|
distinctly feminine articulate voice.
|
|
|
|
"The shuttle you have been following is now fully in the tractor beam,
|
|
and you may now board this craft. Have a nice day."
|
|
|
|
-------------------
|
|
|
|
Meanwhile, not far away, the U.S.S.Egoprise was orbiting a rather dull red
|
|
planet called BetelSoup IV.
|
|
|
|
Sulu (played by Yuen Ho), a StarFleet programmer extraordinaire,
|
|
was busily monitoring radio freqeuncies. He beamed emphatically, in the
|
|
knowledge his name had been recently added to the honours board of the
|
|
StarFleet Academy, for his bravery on Planet Reknaw in the last adventure.
|
|
|
|
A light on Sulu's console began to flash. For a moment Sulu ignored it,
|
|
believing that the light was just flashing in honour of him, but soon
|
|
his rationality caught up and accelerated past his ego and he reluctantly
|
|
shifted his eyes to the warning message that had appeared.
|
|
|
|
"Captain, check this out!", he suddenly cried.
|
|
|
|
Kirk (Rob Judd) came rushing to Sulu's side.
|
|
|
|
"Quick, get a scan on that!", ordered Kirk. "Nurse, nurse! Where is that damn
|
|
nurse..?"
|
|
|
|
A sweet, gay voice sounded from the turbo lift. "Here I am, Capt'n dearest!
|
|
Are you ready to play Doctor's & Nurses? But remember, I'm the Doctor now!"
|
|
Nurse Chappel (Inka Princess) entered the Bridge.
|
|
|
|
Kirk resisted. "Prepare yourself for a mission. Sulu has reported a break-out
|
|
down on the prison planet BetelSoup IV, and if we want to keep our contract
|
|
with the MGM studios, we'd better get ourselves involved."
|
|
|
|
Uhura (Amy Morris) lit up. "Another mission?", she queried, peering
|
|
up from a pile of medical manuals, dictonaries and other intellectual
|
|
publications. "Can I come this time?"
|
|
|
|
The Captain could hardly say no to the sweet face. "Yeah, I guess so.", he
|
|
answered. Then, glancing down at Uhura's feet, corrected himself. "But not
|
|
while you're wearing those bunny slippers!".
|
|
|
|
"Chekov, take the helm." he ordered, regaining control. "Sulu, I'll
|
|
want you too. And Spock.. has anybody seen Spock recently?"
|
|
|
|
"Eer...", stammered Chekov (Maelstrom), "I think he was working on that
|
|
damn adventure he discovered in that radio transmission we received a few
|
|
days ago. You know.. the one where you have to dodge the guards and escape
|
|
out of the prison complex.."
|
|
|
|
-------------------
|
|
|
|
Kirk found Spock (played by Gordon Walker) in his quarters, hunched over a
|
|
glowing computer terminal.
|
|
|
|
"Waddchadoin?", asked Kirk, always intrigued by what Spock was doing. This
|
|
was because, inevitably, whatever Spock was doing was vitally important to
|
|
the story. Otherwise Spock wouldn't be doing it. Kirk pondered for a moment
|
|
about this logic, and the words 'bloody Vulcans' seemed to float around
|
|
inside his head for a brief moment.
|
|
|
|
"I'm playing an adventure game, Captain.", came the monotone reply.
|
|
|
|
Kirk was impressed. "And you do this to analyse the command interpreter flux
|
|
and its effect on the multi-IO interfaced logic vector parser right?"
|
|
|
|
"Exactly, Captain. And as a result I have solved the adventure."
|
|
|
|
"Oh", responded Kirk. "What happens then?"
|
|
|
|
"You escape from the prison in a shuttle, and fly away."
|
|
|
|
"Sounds great fun", said Kirk, as he pondered the other hundred and one
|
|
mindless things Spock had achieved in the name of science. "Well I hate to
|
|
break up this party, but we've got another story brewing. A guy has just
|
|
broken out of the prison on planet BetelSoup IV and we're gonna catch him."
|
|
|
|
-------------------
|
|
|
|
"We really shouldn't be doing this.", stammered Handyman, as the three
|
|
pirates stepped into the hull of the captured shuttle.
|
|
|
|
"Hey, chill out man... ", replied Superboy, as he attacked a security door
|
|
with a sonic crowbar. "We're pirates remember. We do these sort of things."
|
|
|
|
"Anyway", added Mr Jordan, "we'll never gain Ultimate Dominance unless we
|
|
go through with this."
|
|
|
|
"Uh.. I guess so.. ", mumbled the submissive Handyman.
|
|
|
|
-------------------
|
|
|
|
Ultimate Dominance, readers are reminded, is the concept of complete and
|
|
utter power over everything in existence. Once obtained, every particle in
|
|
the universe is placed under your control, nothing may touch you, everything
|
|
exists only for the benefit of you. In essence, nifty way to spend a summer
|
|
holiday.
|
|
|
|
The concept of Ultimate Dominance was considered by the Gods as so hugely
|
|
mega powerful that they declared that no mortal must obtain it. The knowledge
|
|
of how one may achieve Ultimate Dominance was to remain forever with the
|
|
Gods.
|
|
|
|
But a young rebel God, called Elkor Cornelius, thought it would be funny if
|
|
he released the knowledge upon the world. And so he descended from the
|
|
heavens, and wrote the knowledge onto a tablet, then hid it somewhere on the
|
|
surface of a largely insignficant blue-green planet in the Milky Way Galaxy.
|
|
He declared that anyone desperate enough to search out and find the tablets
|
|
deserved the knowledge.
|
|
|
|
Many of the great plunderers of history have sought to possess the tablet,
|
|
and interpret its writings. First there was Rameses II, the great Pharoah of
|
|
Egypt. However, the Egyptians could not read the tablet, and buried it in
|
|
a tomb, declaring it 'as confusing as hieroglyphics'.
|
|
|
|
A savage conqueror from Alpha Centauri, Moses, was the next mortal to
|
|
possess the tablets. However, on the voyage back to his space-ship in
|
|
Palestine, some religious fanatics stole the ark that contained it and
|
|
took off into the desert leaving Moses with little more than some sour
|
|
bread and a recipe to make more.
|
|
|
|
And so the great megalomaniacs of history have searched for the tablet.
|
|
Alexander The Great, Julius Caesar, Napoleon, Adolf Hitler, and Zero Hour.
|
|
But alas they never found the tablet, and most died as mere conquerors of a
|
|
rather insignificant blue-green planet in the Milky Way Galaxy, and not
|
|
much else.
|
|
|
|
Still the knowledge of Ultimate Dominance remains only to the Gods. The
|
|
tablet remains undiscovered. Many now believed Elkor never did created the
|
|
tablet, after all, would you believe a DragNet user?
|
|
|
|
-------------------
|
|
|
|
"But how is raiding this shuttle going to help us achieve Ultimate
|
|
Dominance?", persisted Handyman.
|
|
|
|
"Because, Erk-brain, we must first obtain the sacred tablets of Elkor.",
|
|
taunted SuperBoy. "Sheesh, didn't you learn anything in cyber-school?"
|
|
|
|
"I'm sorry", sobbed Handyman, "but I was so busy calling up bulletin-boards
|
|
to convince the SysOps to join DragNet I failed Year 11 and dropped out."
|
|
|
|
"Well", continued Supes, "there is a legend that the sacred tablets of Elkor
|
|
were in fact the same sacred tablets held in The Temple Of Doccism in
|
|
Jerusalem, on that insigificant little blue-green planet in the Milky-way
|
|
Galaxy. And so, by kidnapping the head guru of the Doccism religion, the
|
|
right dishonourable Doctor McCoy, and extracting his brain and retrieving
|
|
his knowledge, we shall, without fail, attain the knowledge held on the
|
|
sacred tablets of Elkor!"
|
|
|
|
"B-bb-but how is raiding this space-shuttle going to help us?", babbled
|
|
the mightily confused Handyman.
|
|
|
|
"Because, you insigificant downloading Cafe-user, Doctor McCoy is in fact
|
|
aboard this ship!"
|
|
|
|
At last the shuttle door gave way in a display of smoke and sparks, and the
|
|
three space-pirates carefully stepped into a deserted silver corridor..
|
|
|
|
-------------------
|
|
|
|
Beaming down onto a planet was something Captain Kirk enjoyed most of
|
|
all out of all the things he got to do as Captain of the U.S.S.Egoprise.
|
|
It was a really kinky feeling, having each and every molecule in your
|
|
body zapped, forced into energy, shot over zillions of metres, and
|
|
reformed into molecules again within a few brief seconds.
|
|
|
|
Together with Lt. Uhura, Nurse Chapel, Spock, Sulu and Chekov, Kirk lead the
|
|
team across a sandy desert towards a silver city on the horizon. But Sandy
|
|
didn't like being stood on, so they walked on the gravel instead.
|
|
|
|
As they passed through the city gate, noticeably wide open, Spock took
|
|
particular interest in a rather odd multi-coloured letter box standing
|
|
not far from the gate.
|
|
|
|
Inside the city walls, the team were astounded to find the prison-city,
|
|
(well, this was a prison-planet..) more of a leisure centre than a
|
|
place to soften hard criminals. There were swimming pools, tennis courts,
|
|
lots of bikini clad women and Chippendales, cocktail bars, restaurants,
|
|
even MacDonalds. Paradise, it seemed.
|
|
|
|
"Greetings, welcome to Betelsoup IV, the prison-planet with a difference!",
|
|
said a tall red-haired man wearing a psychedelic shirt. (Lachy Maher of
|
|
course)
|
|
|
|
"You're the man in-charge of this prison, I presume?", questioned Kirk.
|
|
|
|
"Why, sure I am. Here, come and rest by the pool with me. Bring your
|
|
friends, they look like they need a drink too."
|
|
|
|
Kirk paused for a moment. His mother warned him about people like this.
|
|
But the drink sounded better.
|
|
|
|
As they moved towards the pool, they passed a young couple engaged in
|
|
earnest conversation. It was Ivan, chatting up yet another nubile, young
|
|
female.
|
|
|
|
"You see, I used to be a hacker, I carded, phreaked, and all that .." he
|
|
was explaining as they walked past.
|
|
|
|
"I see," the girl replied, "So you've been sent here as a punishment for
|
|
hacking crimes ?"
|
|
|
|
"No, for bullshitting about it afterwards .... "
|
|
|
|
-------------------
|
|
|
|
In the shade of a large umbrella by the pool, Kirk leaned back in his
|
|
chair and sipped a brightly-coloured cocktail, and asked "By the way,
|
|
we actually came here to respond to your distress signal." Kirk added,
|
|
"It appears you have an escaped prisoner."
|
|
|
|
"Impossible!", proclaimed the Yarra Valleyian. "Nobody escapes from this
|
|
Prison Planet!"
|
|
|
|
"But", stammered Nurse Chappel, "the front gates were left wide open.
|
|
A prisoner could just walk right out."
|
|
|
|
Lachy was undeterred. "Ah! But we don't need to shut the gates. Because our
|
|
prisoners don't WANT to leave. We offer them spas, saunas, bikini-clad
|
|
women, give them a real resort to live in, and so they won't resort to
|
|
escaping. This place IS an escape! In fact, I'd place my life on the fact
|
|
that no prisoner would wish not to be imprisoned here. Why, the whole
|
|
reason we have guards is to prevent them getting back in once their
|
|
sentences are served !"
|
|
|
|
"But", argued Nurse Chappel "doesn't that .. sort of.. defeat the purpose
|
|
of having prisons? Like, their supposed to stop people committing crimes..
|
|
not encourage more!"
|
|
|
|
Kirk butted in, before logic could ruin the storyline, "Hang on.. wasn't
|
|
this where that evil Doctor McCoy was being held? Yes - I remember. He was
|
|
sentenced here. A complete one, with adjectives, nouns, predicates and even
|
|
an adverb. Hmmm.. I wonder how he is coping."
|
|
|
|
A tinge of redness seemed to creep across Lachy's face. "D-d-d-doctor
|
|
Mc-c-Coy did y-you s-s-say?"
|
|
|
|
"Why", responded Kirk, "is there anything wrong with my former friend and
|
|
employee?"
|
|
|
|
"He is kept over there...", stammered Lachy, pointing to a large concrete
|
|
bunker not far away. "He.. he doesn't seem to be affected by all this, and
|
|
we had to lock him up properly. It seems there is something outside these
|
|
walls more important than pools, spas, cocktails and bikini-clad women."
|
|
|
|
"I find that hard to believe..", commented Sulu, as his gaze followed
|
|
a nice tempting figure walking past. "Hmm... I think I've been spending too
|
|
much time with my computer.. "
|
|
|
|
Suddenly a little boy came running up to Lachy. "Sir! Sir!", blabbed
|
|
Black Wizard, "Doctor McCoy has escaped!"
|
|
|
|
"WHAT!?", cried Lachy, breaking out into a bright red. "How did he get
|
|
off the planet?"
|
|
|
|
"In a stolen space-shuttle.", replied the boy.
|
|
|
|
"To the EgoPrise!", commanded Kirk. "Scotty, beam us up !"
|
|
|
|
-------------------
|
|
|
|
Doc was happy for once. That deviant plan to write an adventure game about
|
|
the prison, and send it off in a radio tranmission, was brilliant. And to
|
|
his luck, some poor sod had received the transmission, and played the
|
|
adventure, and solved it for him.. So he followed the solution, and escaped
|
|
in a space-shuttle. And so now he was free. Free once more! Now he could
|
|
resurrect his mastermind plan for world domination..
|
|
|
|
However, the pyrotechnic destruction of the rear panel of the shuttle cockpit
|
|
was not something Doc had included in his calculations. Nor was the concept
|
|
of being held kidnapped by three teenage space pirates and carted off into
|
|
a daggy rusted space-Dolorean. In fact, the whole idea of being tied down
|
|
onto a bench and electrodes placed on his skull, in an effort to extract
|
|
the knowledge in his brain, was something entirely contrary to his plans.
|
|
|
|
-------------------
|
|
|
|
Not far away in interstellar space, (well, in interstellar space distances
|
|
at any rate), a StarFleet vessel was cruising the hyper-space-way. On board,
|
|
commanders Brigitte and Matty Lambert were having a quiet philosophical
|
|
discussion.
|
|
|
|
"Oh, I'm sure out there, in that big inter-stellar space, there is somebody
|
|
who believes in true love..", sighed Brigitte as she gazed out the cockpit
|
|
window.
|
|
|
|
"Ha!", laughed the cynical Matty. "True love!? - You have to be joking!
|
|
You've as much chance of finding that as the Cafe has of getting new
|
|
menus !"
|
|
|
|
"But..", continued Brigitte in her red teddy-bear StarFleet uniform, "don't
|
|
you reckon that someone, somewhere out there, has a heart of gold - and a
|
|
body to match - who will devote their lives to another human being, sharing
|
|
and joining their lives, forever faithful, forever trusting.. and every day
|
|
you can wake up, feeling great in the knowledge that there is somebody in
|
|
this world who will be there when you need them, always ready to drop things
|
|
just to say 'hi'.. someone you can say anything to and they won't use it
|
|
against you.. someone who becomes part of you, but still far enough away to
|
|
retain your individuality.. someone you can trust the world with.. someone
|
|
you can depend on.."
|
|
|
|
Brigitte paused for a moment.
|
|
|
|
"I see your point.", she finally conceded.
|
|
|
|
"Oops !" said Matty, blushing. He turned away and adjusted his uniform before
|
|
continuing...
|
|
|
|
"Look!", he cried in newfound excitement, "Up there! It's a space-pirate
|
|
Dolorean raiding a shuttle.."
|
|
|
|
"Let's stop them!", added Brigitte, as she pushed down hard on the
|
|
accelerator.
|
|
|
|
-------------------
|
|
|
|
Stopping them was something Doc was also hoping for, in increasing demand.
|
|
Secured firmly onto a bench with straps, several electrodes connected to
|
|
his skull, combined with comforting words from Mr. Jordan about "high
|
|
voltages" did not build a particularly desirable picture for him. In fact,
|
|
right now he wished he was back on BetelSoup IV in that concrete bunker,
|
|
designing new shirt patterns for Lachy with a mandelbrot generator.
|
|
|
|
As Super Boy and Handyman surveyed Jordan's handywork, she worked a computer
|
|
on the side wall. "Increasing Phase I power now..", she echoed.
|
|
|
|
Doc's torso jolted.
|
|
|
|
"OUCH!" he cried.
|
|
|
|
"Hmm.." said Super Boy. "Interesting reaction."
|
|
|
|
Handyman butted in. "What's the readin', Jordy?"
|
|
|
|
Mr.Jordan surveyed the computer screen. "We just touched his outer conscious
|
|
neural circuits. Adventure game writing methods. Bulletin board numbers.
|
|
Unix super-user account passwords.. Just garbage."
|
|
|
|
"Try some more voltage.", suggested Super Boy.
|
|
|
|
"Nooo!!!!" cried Doc.
|
|
|
|
Doc's torso jolted again.
|
|
|
|
"OUUUCCH!!", he cried, in undeniably excruciating pain.
|
|
|
|
"How could you do this to me??", Doc wailed. "Supes... my friend.. pal..
|
|
after all the bulletin board programs I wrote for you.. after I lent
|
|
you all my Peter Juliff programming books.. why.. I even taught you
|
|
how to program in Pascal.."
|
|
|
|
Super Boy turned to Jordan. "What does the scanner show now?"
|
|
|
|
"Oh.. not much better..", she sighed. "We pierced his minor subconciousness
|
|
neural matrix this time.. Just useless stuff on how to write IO units in
|
|
Turbo C. Hey, there's even a guide to running bulletin boards here... OH,
|
|
it just says "don't". Strange."
|
|
|
|
Doc wailed some more. "Handy.. you great stud.. remember the good old days..
|
|
you-know.. when dragnet had real users leaving mail.. and interstate mail
|
|
actually got through.. "
|
|
|
|
And some more. "Jordy.. my sweet love.. apple of mine eye.. how could you..
|
|
argggh.. I've been used again!"
|
|
|
|
"More voltage coming up!", suggested Jordan. "There! Maximum voltage!"
|
|
|
|
Doc was now experiencing pain. [Good ! -Ed] And I mean PAIN. In fact, the
|
|
pain he experienced was ranked amongst the top ten experiences of pain in
|
|
the history of deviant sexual activity. More painful than when The Masked
|
|
Avenger discovered he was actually Taxi Cab's alter ego. More excruciating
|
|
than when Inka Princess saw Decadence go offline for more than an hour. More
|
|
terrible than the moment Zero Hour realised he wasn't in fact God. [He's
|
|
realised ? -Ed] And boy did it feel bad.
|
|
|
|
Super Boy cackled. "Har har.. soon I shall have the knowledge.. and the
|
|
power.."
|
|
|
|
"Hey, ", said the startled Handyman, "I thought this was 50/50!"
|
|
|
|
Jordan jumped up in alarm. "WHAT!? You double-crossing Cafe-holics! What
|
|
about ME!?"
|
|
|
|
"Aaaaaaaarrrrrgghhhhhh", cried Doc.
|
|
|
|
-------------------
|
|
|
|
Although the secret to Ultimate Dominance was etched into a stone tablets,
|
|
no mortal who possessed the tablets had ever been able to interpret them.
|
|
That was, until the demi-God Doctor McCoy had laid eyes upon the words.
|
|
|
|
However, rather than instantly obtaining pure and utter dominance over
|
|
everything, which any mortal would have instanteously done, the demi-God
|
|
started a religion instead. It's called Doccism.
|
|
|
|
Current statistics show that the entire population of Doccism believers
|
|
totals a big zero, excluding its founder Doctor McCoy.
|
|
|
|
Which says something about university students.
|
|
|
|
Distraught in the knowledge that nobody believed in his ultimate teachings,
|
|
the demi-God returned to living a mortal existence, got drunk in a sleazy
|
|
niteclub and woke up a member of StarFleet academy. Which was novel in one
|
|
sense, because everyone else in that niteclub who was drunk that night
|
|
ended up laid. Which isn't very novel for niteclubs.
|
|
|
|
-------------------
|
|
|
|
Hassling Brigitte was what Matty enjoyed most of all of the things he got
|
|
to do as Commander of his StarFleet vessel. And right now he was doing just
|
|
that. What a horrible little arrogant chauvanistic bastard. Then again, he
|
|
did go to Yarra Valley.
|
|
|
|
"Can't you drive properly!?", he whined. "Bloody women drivers!"
|
|
|
|
Brigitte had had just enough. She let go of the controls, ripped off her
|
|
StarFleet badge, stood up, and promptly said, "I quit."
|
|
|
|
"I'll never find true love working for a little arrogant chauvanistic bastard
|
|
StarFleet commander like you.. I'm off. And I'm leaving too.."
|
|
|
|
And she did.
|
|
|
|
Moments later the ship echoed with a shudder as a space-pod shot out
|
|
of the docking bay in a fury of gaseous exhaust.
|
|
|
|
Matty paused, then glanced at the vacant controls, then up at the screen
|
|
displaying the void of interstellar space. He glanced back at the controls.
|
|
There were a lot of buttons, knobs, dials, and flashing things. In fact,
|
|
there were far too bloody many buttons, knobs, dials and flashing things,
|
|
more than Matty liked. Sighing deeply, Matty contemplated the years spent at
|
|
StarFleet academy, the long and arduous hours of studying flight navigation,
|
|
or at least, in Matty's situation, the long and arduous hours he spent
|
|
contemplating studying flight navigation. It had all been alright since then,
|
|
Brigitte was always there to navigate the ship.
|
|
|
|
Slowly it dawned on Matty, that actually he didn't have a flaming clue how
|
|
to navigate this ship.
|
|
|
|
And so, with sincere concern, Matty watched as his space-vessel
|
|
plummeted through space, towards a rather dull reddish planet that
|
|
slowly increased in size on the scanner.
|
|
|
|
He screamed in terror and passed out.
|
|
|
|
-------------------
|
|
|
|
Matty smelt suncream. Matty heard laughter, glasses clinking together, water
|
|
splashing. Matty opened his eyes. He screamed, and shut them instantly.
|
|
|
|
Ever so cautiously, Matty raised his left eyelid a fraction. Then some more.
|
|
The other eye followed suit.
|
|
|
|
"Sorry if I startled you.", said Lachy, as he put on a cardigan over his
|
|
psychadelic shirt. The whole area around him went a little darker.
|
|
|
|
"Where am I?", whined Matty, rubbing his eyes. He sniffed again, and caught
|
|
a whiff of burning petrol. He turned, and not far away lay the burning
|
|
wreckage of his beloved StarFleet vessel.
|
|
|
|
"Planet Betelsoup IV, the prison with a difference!" exclaimed Lachy,
|
|
glad to find someone he could say that to again.
|
|
|
|
Matty reflected, there was something he was supposed to be doing.
|
|
|
|
"Brigitte...", he remembered. "I've got to find her! If I don't.. and mummy
|
|
finds out, I'll be in real trouble!"
|
|
|
|
-------------------
|
|
|
|
"Admiral Plato, requesting to board ship.", echoed the speaker
|
|
on the wall of the bridge, aboard the U.S.S. Egoprise.
|
|
|
|
"Permission granted.", replied Uhura into her microphone.
|
|
|
|
A nearby turbo lift shuddered, and opened to the sound of air compression.
|
|
|
|
"Great!", said the Admiral, as he strode onto the bridge. "Finally I'm
|
|
going to get more than three lines in the story!"
|
|
|
|
"Sorry sir", said Uhura, "but the Captain and the crew are not here. Doc's
|
|
stolen shuttle has been captured, and they've all left to join the boarding
|
|
party. And after the festivities they'll join the team entering the
|
|
craft and arrest Doc. They won't be back for at least another three pages."
|
|
|
|
"Shit!"
|
|
|
|
-------------------
|
|
|
|
On through interstellar space the Dolorean rocketed. Jordy was at the
|
|
controls.
|
|
|
|
Glancing briefly behind her, she checked on her three prisoners, Handyman,
|
|
Super Boy and Doc, as they squirmed and protested against the knots that
|
|
held them tied to the back-wall. A servo-bot sat obediently at their feet,
|
|
phasor trained on them, waiting patiently for any one of them to make
|
|
a threatening move.
|
|
|
|
"What are you going to do with us?", questioned Handy.
|
|
|
|
"Wait and see!", she cried, in the high pitched tone of a maniac possessed.
|
|
|
|
She slipped a Julian Lennon CD into a slot on the control deck, and
|
|
tortured the three prisoners some more.
|
|
|
|
"Nooo! Nooo!", they cried. "Anything but Julian Lennon!"
|
|
|
|
"O.K.!", agreed Jordy. She popped out the Lennon album, and swapped it for
|
|
Bros's Greatest Hits.
|
|
|
|
"Noooooooooooooooo!", the three cried. "Julian Lennon! Julian Lennon!"
|
|
|
|
Slowly the Dolorean approached an insignificant blue-green planet.
|
|
|
|
"Why, that's Earth!", exclaimed Doc.
|
|
|
|
"What's so great about that little lump of dirt?", queried Supes.
|
|
|
|
"Nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there.", offered Doc.
|
|
|
|
Jordy cackled to her self, and rubbed her hands together. Soon she would
|
|
be landing there, and entering the sacred temple of Doccism. With the help
|
|
of the three bumbling buffoons, she would be obtaining the tablets that
|
|
held the secret to Ultimate Dominance. And Doc - she would convince him
|
|
to interpret the tablets for her, and then... har har har... Ultimate
|
|
Dominance would be hers! Finally!
|
|
|
|
-------------------
|
|
|
|
"HE'S GONE!", exclaimed Kirk, Spock, Nurse & Sulu in unison.
|
|
|
|
The four StarFleet personnel stood in disbelief, staring at the empty chair
|
|
that sat infront of the controls of Doc's shuttle.
|
|
|
|
"Da plot thickens...", echoed Sulu.
|
|
|
|
"Search this joint..", ordered Kirk. "I want clues."
|
|
|
|
The four began a systematic search of the cockpit.
|
|
|
|
"Hey what's this!", exclaimed Nurse Chapel. She held up a small white
|
|
fragment. "It looks like plaster!"
|
|
|
|
"Hmm..", contributed Kirk, "do you know what I'm thinking?"
|
|
|
|
Nurse Chapel slapped Kirk.
|
|
|
|
"Nooo, mean I think I know who did this!", exclaimed Kirk, rubbing a
|
|
swelling eye.
|
|
|
|
"WHO?", the three crew members cried.
|
|
|
|
"Mr Jordan, the arch evil space pirate! And I bet I know what she's doing,
|
|
kidnapping Doc! Quick - Back to the EgoPrise! We must stop her!"
|
|
|
|
-------------------
|
|
|
|
The wind howled in Palestine, thrashing sand particles back and forth across
|
|
the desert plains. And on through the sandstorm trudged four figures.
|
|
|
|
Nobody in their right mind would trudge through a Palestinian sandstorm.
|
|
That is, unless, they had a very good reason to do so.
|
|
|
|
Ultimate Dominance, it would seem, was a very good reason.
|
|
|
|
Soon the four figures had reached their destination. And it was huge.
|
|
Massive. Extraordinarily enourmous. Big, even. A set of stone pillars rose
|
|
out of the sandstorm, like a cliff beside the sea, dwarfing the four
|
|
figures as they stood back in awe.
|
|
|
|
"My temple..", announced Doc, as he showed the way for the others to enter.
|
|
|
|
Footsteps echoed as the four clamboured down some mighty steps into
|
|
the athaneum. It was an impressive temple, with mighty pillars, a towering
|
|
roof so high one could barely work out the drawings etched there. In the
|
|
middle sat a dais, with some old crumbling tablets on display.
|
|
|
|
Mr Jordan rushed to the dais. "The sacred tablets of Elkor!", she exclaimed,
|
|
in delight.
|
|
|
|
"Intepret them, Doc!", she ordered.
|
|
|
|
Doc wavered.
|
|
|
|
"I can't.", he mumbled.
|
|
|
|
"Do it. Or I'll shoot these sysops here.", she replied, pointing her
|
|
phasor menacingly at the two helpless space pirates.
|
|
|
|
"Interpret them! Interpret them!", Superboy and Handyman cried, anxiously.
|
|
|
|
"B...b..but I can't..", persisted Doc, "if I did... it would mean..."
|
|
|
|
"It would mean I would obtain Ultimate Dominance! Yes! Yes!", cried MJ.
|
|
|
|
"Oh well..", sighed Doc. He cleared his throat. "To obtain Ultimate
|
|
Dominance, one must first.."
|
|
|
|
Suddenly...
|
|
|
|
"PARTY'S OVER DUDES!", cried a voice from behind. Out from behind a pillar
|
|
jumped Sulu, brandishing a pair of sais.
|
|
|
|
Nurse Chapel, Kirk and Mr Spock emerged from behind some adjacent pillars,
|
|
also brandishing ninja weapons.
|
|
|
|
"Oh no!", cried Superboy. "StarFleet!"
|
|
|
|
"Pah!", cried Mr Jordan, "they can't stop us now!". "Doc - read on!"
|
|
|
|
Doc continued... "One must first obtain a .."
|
|
|
|
"Cut it right there, Doccie !!", cried Kirk.
|
|
|
|
Mr Jordan shot a phasor bolt towards Kirk. He quickly held up a ninja
|
|
sword and deflect the bolt sideways.
|
|
|
|
"How did you do that???", gasped Mr Jordan.
|
|
|
|
"Haha!", laughed Kirk. "I'm not just a captain of a U.S.S. Starship! I'm
|
|
also... tadadada... a ninja turtle in disguise!". Kirk then proceeded to
|
|
rip off his StarFleet uniform, and removed a mask from his face. He now
|
|
was a lean, green ninja turtle!
|
|
|
|
Michaelangelo Kirk looked sideways to Sulu. Sulu quickly undressed likewise,
|
|
ripped his plastic mask off, and revealed himself as Raphael Sulu! Then
|
|
Nurse Chappel followed... Nurse Donatello! And beside her, now stood
|
|
Leonardo Spock!
|
|
|
|
"Teenage Mutant Ninja Star-Trek Turtles!", screamed Handyman, and he reached
|
|
for a piece of wood to defend himself. Mr Jordan set her phasor on full,
|
|
and Super Boy grabbed a stone tablet for defence.
|
|
|
|
"Sick'em!", cried Michaelangelo Kirk, as he charged at Mr Jordan.
|
|
|
|
"Kowabungles!", cried Nurse Donatello, thrashing away at Superboy.
|
|
|
|
"Turt'l power!", yelled Raphael Sulu, and he lept towards Handyman.
|
|
|
|
"Pizza prowess!", screamed Leonardo Spock, as he chased after Doc.
|
|
|
|
A violent fight proceeded, atypical of a cute, friendly, charming, peaceful
|
|
kiddies cartoon.
|
|
|
|
While dodging Kirk's flashing numchukas, Mr Jordan had an idea.
|
|
|
|
"You're only cartoon characters!", she exclaimed, and proceeded to pull
|
|
out a large eraser from her pocket. "Take that!", she cried, as she lunged
|
|
back at Michaelangelo Kirk, rubbing furiously.
|
|
|
|
"Aurrghh!", cried Michaelangelo Kirk, as his numchuk was erased back to
|
|
a pair of toothpicks.
|
|
|
|
"Yelp!", he cried, as Mr Jordan started erasing his left leg.
|
|
|
|
The other pirates got the picture, pulled out their own erasers, and
|
|
started attacking Nurse Donatello, Raphael Sulu and Leonardo Spock.
|
|
|
|
"Eek!, you've erased my left hand!", cried Raphael Sulu.
|
|
|
|
"Irk!", screeched Nurse Donatello, "that was my chest you just rubbed out!"
|
|
|
|
"Keep rubbing!", cried Mr Jordan to the other pirates. "We'll beat 'em!"
|
|
|
|
While losing her right arm, Nurse Donatello had an inspiration. With her
|
|
remaining left arm she delved into her pocket, and pulled out a pencil.
|
|
She then madly attempted to draw back her right arm.
|
|
|
|
"Quick, lend me your pencil!", cried Michaelangelo Kirk to Nurse
|
|
Donatello, as he writhed on the floor, now a mere shoulder and head.
|
|
|
|
Nurse Donatello quickly sketched in her chest, paused, made a few
|
|
enlargements, then leaped to save Michaelangelo Kirk.
|
|
|
|
"That's cheating!", protested Mr Jordan, "They weren't that big before!"
|
|
|
|
"Let's split!", suggested Super Boy to Handyman, and the two pirates erased
|
|
a section of the wall and jumped through.
|
|
|
|
"Wait for me!", cried Mr Jordan, as she leaped through the hole. She then
|
|
erased a little more around the ceiling, and the roof collapsed blocking the
|
|
passage.
|
|
|
|
"Cold pizza!", exclaimed Raphael Sulu, as he finished of drawing back his
|
|
left foot.
|
|
|
|
The four green turtles admitted defeat, hung their turtle heads and walked
|
|
slowly back to the badly parked U.S.S.EgoPrise outside.
|
|
|
|
|
|
All that was left was Doc, alone in his ruined temple. He knelt down, and
|
|
slowly began to pick up pieces of rubble and made a pile. Sniffing a little,
|
|
he held up a large piece of broken tablet, and paused at the inscription.
|
|
|
|
"Nahhh..", he concluded, and tossed the broken tablet onto a pile of
|
|
rubble.
|
|
|
|
-=* END OF EPISODE III *=-
|
|
----------------------
|
|
|
|
What will be the Space Pirate's next plan?
|
|
|
|
Will Brigitte ever find true love?
|
|
|
|
Will Matty ever find Brigitte before Mummy finds out?
|
|
|
|
Will the secret of Ultimate Dominance ever be revealed?
|
|
|
|
Will this story ever be funny?
|
|
|
|
What will StarFleet do now that they know the true identity of
|
|
the EgoPrise crew?
|
|
|
|
What are Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles doing in a Star Trek episode anyway?
|
|
|
|
Who cares?
|
|
|
|
find out in RAT 10's
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
S t i r T r e k I V : T h e S e a r c h f o r B r i g i t t e
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
The RatPhile Quotable Quote File
|
|
--------------------------------
|
|
|
|
I know, I know, we said we weren't going to be putting quotes into this
|
|
edition, but some things you just gotta quote !
|
|
|
|
/***/
|
|
INKA PRINCESS - "What type are you?"
|
|
|
|
GENERAL DISCOMFORT - "Tasty!"
|
|
|
|
/***/
|
|
RAFF - Yeah I don't get that much now...I used to get too much now I
|
|
can't get enough....
|
|
|
|
/***/
|
|
MR. JORDAN - yeah and he wouldn't even give me higher access no matter
|
|
how hard i sucked ... [ The mind boggles -Ed]
|
|
|
|
/***/
|
|
GENERAL DISCOMFORT - Just because I want to rule the world doesn't mean
|
|
I am a megalomaniac.
|
|
|
|
BEN RICHARDS - RiMix All!!
|
|
|
|
THE NARC - You cant judge a girl just by her personality!
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Years ago, in an ancient edition of RAT magazine, we featured
|
|
an article describing "50 ways to be a bastard sysop". Well
|
|
finally user's can have their revenge, for here is...
|
|
|
|
15 WAYS TO ANNOY A SYSOP
|
|
|
|
(or in other words... how to get your access cut in 15 easy steps)
|
|
|
|
1. Upload the same file more than once. Make sure its a really large
|
|
and useless, something like the entire Opus v1.00 package.
|
|
|
|
2. Page the sysop, chat for a while, then say you're off to call another
|
|
board and promptly hangup before they've even closed the chat
|
|
window.
|
|
|
|
3. Apply to sigop a file or message area, then never call back!
|
|
|
|
4. If you're a point, include ANSI screen control codes in your origin
|
|
line and stuff up their screen positioning. It looks like a bug
|
|
in the software!
|
|
|
|
5. Post phone numbers to boards that are offline in the "new boards"
|
|
registry. For added fun, post online boards but give the wrong
|
|
baud rates. Then people might be calling boards at 300 baud when
|
|
they could be calling at 9600! Also, isn't it just so infuriating
|
|
when you can hear a carrier but the modem doesn't connect! This
|
|
also worries the shit out of the sysop, who thinks their modem
|
|
is hanging up on people prematurely!
|
|
|
|
6. If the sysop is running QuickBBS or RemoteAccess, and has an option
|
|
to leave a message to the next caller, try inserting control codes
|
|
into the message. Often the actual message is being displayed as
|
|
a standard text file, and so you can include control characters like
|
|
displaying the next user's password, shell to DOS, or log them off!
|
|
|
|
7. Enter the same message in a network from several different boards.
|
|
It looks like the network mailer is stuffed! Also, complain to the
|
|
sysop that some of your mail seems to be missing, and that you
|
|
posted it on another board in the network over a week ago!
|
|
|
|
8. If you're a guy, use a female psuedonym, and vica-versa. This is really
|
|
fun when the sysop is desperate and dateless! Bound to give you more
|
|
access.
|
|
|
|
9. If you're going to post a really offensive message, or one that you think
|
|
the sysop will delete, then post it in an echomail area at about 3am.
|
|
Mail events are usually about an hour later, and so it gets sent
|
|
throughout the network before the sysop has time to censor it!
|
|
|
|
10. Ask the sysop for access to the pirate areas in a public message. But
|
|
don't ever use your regular pseudonym, as this will undoubtedly get
|
|
your access cut! Sysops are paranoid about this! Especially the ones
|
|
who don't run pirate areas!
|
|
|
|
11. Ignore the message area topics. Sysops spend ages trying to get their
|
|
board to look just how they want it, and go to extremes to get the
|
|
right mail in the right areas. If the board has lots of science fiction
|
|
message areas, write about the footy or tell dirty jokes.
|
|
|
|
12. Sysops love their menus! Complain about them, and they will be changed.
|
|
Then complain that you can't keep up with all the changes, and you liked
|
|
the old menus better!
|
|
|
|
13. The biggest weakness of sysops are their egos! They expect every new user
|
|
to login, see the board, and love it and call back every day. So keep
|
|
on logging on under different names - it looks like a lot of callers
|
|
are not coming back!
|
|
|
|
14. Every time you logon, make sure the first (and second, third, fourth
|
|
etc) thing you do is page ... particularly if you have nothing to talk
|
|
about. This REALLY annoys sysops.
|
|
|
|
15. Make sure you leave lots of soppy one line messages to your
|
|
boy/girlfriend in as many message areas as possible. Try to ensure that
|
|
there are at least as many punctuation marks as actual letters in the
|
|
message.
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
(Now, one for the SysOps and "wannabe"'s out there)
|
|
|
|
IIIIII FFFFFF
|
|
II FF
|
|
II FFFF
|
|
II FF
|
|
IIIIII FF
|
|
|
|
by
|
|
|
|
Backyard Ceiling
|
|
|
|
If you can hold carrier when all about you
|
|
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
|
|
If you can upload when all men download,
|
|
But make allowance for their downloading too;
|
|
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
|
|
Or being paged non-stop, users will always page,
|
|
Or being hated for not giving access,
|
|
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
|
|
|
|
If you can dream - and not let your users wake you up,
|
|
If you can think - and still not answer SysOp Page,
|
|
If you can meet with Hard Drive Crashes
|
|
And still not close down your Board;
|
|
If you can bear to be hassled for access
|
|
Twisted by smart-asses who have better computers,
|
|
Or watch people ruin your good reputation,
|
|
And stoop and rebuild it with a worn out Keyboard.
|
|
|
|
If you can live without a tradewars editor
|
|
And still be the best player in tradewars,
|
|
And lose to make it look like you're not cheating
|
|
And never breathe a word about your loss;
|
|
If you can manage not to call the cafe more than twice a day
|
|
And still keep up with the latest gossip,
|
|
And not cry when it is all about you
|
|
Except for the usual bit about Eric Anderson!
|
|
|
|
If you can turn up to BBS meets and still keep your sanity,
|
|
Or walk with users - and not lose your mind,
|
|
If neither hackers nor pirates can hurt you,
|
|
If everyone calls your board, just to make it look busy;
|
|
If you can fill the unused minute with a game of Leech
|
|
With sixty seconds for the computer to reset,
|
|
Yours is the userbase, and everyone in it,
|
|
Then my son, you shall be a SysOp!
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
KIDDIE'S KORNER!
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
|
Here's a game for all you kiddies to play!
|
|
|
|
Its called...
|
|
|
|
-=*> SPOT THE PIRATE BOARD! <*=-
|
|
|
|
It's a really easy... Hours of online fun too!
|
|
|
|
Just look for these easy signs:
|
|
|
|
1. There is a distinct correlation between the top callers and the top
|
|
uploaders and downloaders.
|
|
|
|
2. There is a distinct correlation between the top callers and other
|
|
known pirate board top callers.
|
|
|
|
3. The so called 'file board' has hardly any files in the public domain
|
|
areas!
|
|
|
|
4. There is a message on login saying 'this is not a pirate board, do not
|
|
upload pirate software, it's naughty ' etc
|
|
|
|
5. You're winning the online games (nobody else is playing).
|
|
|
|
6. You're not getting any replies to your messages (nobody is reading them).
|
|
|
|
7. Your echomail is not echoing (nobody bothered to check if network is up).
|
|
|
|
8. Everybody ignores that great PD file you just uploaded.
|
|
|
|
9. The sysop does not brag about the number of global wide message count.
|
|
|
|
10. The sysop is an acne-faced teenage social reject.
|
|
|
|
-------------------
|
|
|
|
**C O M P E T I T I O N *** C O M P E T I T I O N *** C O M P E T I T I O N**
|
|
|
|
-------------------
|
|
|
|
The Editors are pleased to announce a fabulous new competition .. it's
|
|
just so easy !!!
|
|
|
|
Just get your name to the top of as many pirate board downloaders and/or up-
|
|
loaders lists over the next three months as possible.
|
|
|
|
The Fantastic First Prize is a visit from The Federal Police, and the
|
|
opportunity to spend several months as a guest of the Australian Goverment,
|
|
all expenses paid, at one of Australias finest bluestone Colleges.
|
|
|
|
Also included in this prize is the bonus offer of confiscation of all
|
|
your computer equipment .. make sure YOU enter TODAY !!!
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
REALLY BORING OFFICIALDOM STUFF..
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
|
|
|
RAT is an electronic amateur writers' magazine. It is officially
|
|
unofficiated with anything official, unofficial, or anything
|
|
unofficially official.
|
|
|
|
RAT is designed to be read as an entertaining collection of
|
|
amateur writings. The opinions expressed in the file are entirely
|
|
opinionated and not necessarily the opinions of the authors,
|
|
editors, or anyone else with an opinion.
|
|
|
|
RAT is produced and distributed electronically through public
|
|
access remote bulletin board systems. No revenue may be gained
|
|
from its distribution in any way. No individual may be restricted
|
|
from accessing RAT. However, the editors reserve the right to
|
|
refuse to include any submissions. And we're not a bunch of
|
|
fascists either.
|
|
|
|
Anyone may submit. Since private remote bulletin board systems
|
|
are notoriously unreliable, the only way to ensure a submission
|
|
is to post it snail-mail to:
|
|
|
|
Rat Society Publications
|
|
c/o Stuart Dobbie
|
|
P.O.Box 297
|
|
Burwood 3130
|
|
Victoria, Australia.
|
|
|
|
Each new RAT is released when submissions exceed 50 kilobytes,
|
|
or 50 Kilos, whichever comes first.
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Credits and the Golly-gosh-they-put-my-name-in-the-list List.
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
|
|
|
FOUNDERS................................... Doc
|
|
Avalon
|
|
|
|
EDITOR..................................... Inka Princess
|
|
|
|
REGULAR CONTRIBUTORS....................... Inka Princess
|
|
Handyman
|
|
Doc
|
|
|
|
IRREGULAR CONTRIBUTORS..................... Superboy
|
|
Mr Jordan
|
|
|
|
OCCASIONAL ARTWORK......................... Zero Hour
|
|
|
|
EVERYBODY ELSE.............................
|
|
|
|
Al Capone Alex Rogan Avalon
|
|
Avatar Azarak Digris Baby Soda
|
|
Ben Richards Big Bad John Bigf00t
|
|
Black Wizard Boyd Adamson Captain Blood
|
|
Cefiar Dave Seikel Deep Image
|
|
Defcon One Doc Elliot Ness
|
|
End Garet Jax General Discomfort
|
|
Gnomie Gordon Walker Grasshopper
|
|
Grendel Guru Pete Handyman
|
|
Hunter Ice Man Icebreaker
|
|
Infiltrator Inka Princess Ivan Trotsky
|
|
Jackal Joseph Elkhorne Kik
|
|
Lachlan Maher Marty Monster Mystery
|
|
Mr Jordan Negative Energy New Wave
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Night Stalker & Janine Pennywise Psycho Felix
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Pyschosonic Cindy Quantum Leap RAD!
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Radical Accumulator Real Article Rob Judd
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RummanRazan Snoopy Spector
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Super Boy The System The Walrus
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Tikva Tinkerbell Warfish
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Yak Yabbie Pump Zero Hour
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And anyone else whose name we've forgotten
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----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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CALL THESE BOARDS!
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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because we're the sysops..
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VICTORIA
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For interstate callers, prefix with 03
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For international callers, prefix with +61-3
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Decadence SBBS 794-7949 1200 & 2400 baud only
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Nightmare RABBS 560-7386 all speeds to 9600 (V32) baud
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S.I.G. RABBS 830-1584 all speeds to 2400 baud
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Euphoria RABBS 500-9997 all speeds to 2400 baud
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Timescape RABBS 561-5217 all speeds to 2400 baud
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Phase V RABBS 803-6976 all speeds to 9600 (PEP) baud
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The Cafe TBBS 894-2815 all speeds to 2400 baud
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The CrossOver RABBS 364-1282 all speeds to 2400 baud
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Lightning RABBS 399-1030 all speeds to 9600 (V32) baud
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Roaring Rapids RABBS 877-2609 all speeds to 9600 (V32) baud
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The Brick Centre RABBS 761-1468 all speeds to 2400 baud
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Real World RABBS 596-5050 1200 & 2400 baud
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Brathstray RABBS 562-1852 all speeds to 2400 baud
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The Real Connection RABBS 808-0810 all speeds to 2400 baud
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or 808-0331 300 & 1200 baud
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Crimewave RABBS 728-4232 all speeds to 2400 baud
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Zoist!!! 467-7984 all speeds to 9600 (HST) baud
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WESTERN AUSTRALIA
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For interstate callers, prefix with 09
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For international callers, prefix with +61-9
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High Flyer RABBS 448-0880 all speeds to 2400 baud
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1990 Multiline TBBS 370-3333 all speeds to 2400 baud
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QUEENSLAND
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For interstate callers, prefix with 07
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For international callers, prefix with +61-7
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Ground Zero RABBS 812-3474 all speeds to 9600 (V32) baud
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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This RAT phile was brought to you by the letters R, A and T, and the number 9
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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o
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I I
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I I _ ,-.,-. ,-.,-.
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I `'I II_II___II_II
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I @ I_I I I \
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/ ___,-, _\.__
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\/ `.____________/ `.__.--.__.--'
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----------------------------
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------------------------ The Dead Rat Society Lives ------------------------
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----------------------------
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If you've had as much fun reading this phile as we've had writing it ...
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please, seek professional help, NOW !
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----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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