347 lines
15 KiB
Plaintext
347 lines
15 KiB
Plaintext
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*-* *-*
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*-* *-*
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*-* TTTTTTTTTT AAAAAA NNNN N J *-*
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*-* T A A N N N J *-*
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*-* T AAAAAAAAAA N N N J *-*
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*-* T A A N N N J J *-*
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*-* T A A N NNNN JJJJJ *-*
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*-* *-*
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*-* There Ain't No Justice *-*
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*-* #19 *-*
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*-* *-*
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*-* Phoenix Modernz Inc. 908/830-8265 *-*
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- Man of Steel / Woman of Kleenex -
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by Larry Niven
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Translated to textfile format by Spartacus
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At the ripe old age of forty [Superman first appeared in Action Comics,
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June 1938.], Kal-El (alias Superman, alias Clark Kent) is still
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unmarried. Almost certainly he is still a virgin. This is a serious
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matter. The species itself is in danger!
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An unwed Superman is a mobile Superman. Thus it has been alleged that
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those who chronicle the Man of Steel's adventures are responsible for
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his condition. But the cartoonists are not to blame.
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Nor is Superman handicapped by psychological problems. Granted that
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the poor oaf is not entirely sane. How could he be? He is an orphan, a
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refugee, and an alien. His homeworld no longer exists in any form, save
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for gigatons upon gigatons of dangerous, prettily colored rocks.
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As a child and young adult, Kal-El must have been hard put to find an
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adequate father-figure. What human could control his antisocial
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behavior? What human would dare try to punish him? His actual, highly
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social behavior during this period indicates an inhuman self-restraint.
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What wonder if Superman drifted gradually into schizophrenia? Torn
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between his human and kryptonian identities, he chose to be both,
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keeping his split personalities rigidly separate. A psychotic
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desperation is evident in his defense of his "secret identity."
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But Superman's sex problems are strictly physiological, and quite
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real.
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The purpose of this article is to point out some medical drawbacks to
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being a Kryptonian among human beings, and to suggest possible
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solutions. The kryptonian humanoid must not be allowed to go the way of
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the pterodactyl and the passenger pigeon.
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I
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What turns on a kryptonian?
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Superman is an alien, an extraterrestrial. His humanoid frame is
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doubtless a result of parallel evolution, as the marsupials of Australia
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resemble their mammalian counterparts. A specific niche in the ecology
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calls for a certain shape, a certain size, certain capabilities, certain
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eating habits.
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Be not decieved by appearances. Superman is no relative to homo
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sapiens.
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What arouses Kal-El's mating urge? Did kryptonian women carry some
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subtle mating cue at appropriate times of the year? Whatever it is, Lois
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Lane probably doesn't have it. We may speculate that she smells wrong,
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less like a kryptonian woman than like a terrestrial monkey. A mating
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between Superman and Lois Lane would feel like sodomy--and would be, of
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course, by church and common law.
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II
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Assume a mating between Superman and a human woman, designated LL for
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convenience.
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Either Superman has gone completely schizo and believes himself to be
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Clark Kent; or he knows what he's doing, and no longer gives a damn.
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Forty years is a long time. For Superman it has been even longer. He has
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X-ray vision; he knows just what he's missing. [One should not think of
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Superman as a Peeping Tom. A biological ability must be used. As a child
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Superman may never have known that things had surfaces, until he learned
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to suppress his X-ray vision.
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If millions of people tend shamelessly to wear clothing with no lead
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in the weave, that is hardly Superman's fault.]
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The problem is this. Electroencephalograms taken of men and women
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during sexual intercourse show that orgasm resembles "a kind of
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pleasurable epileptic attack." One loses control over one's muscles.
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Superman has been known to leave his fingerprints in steel and in
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hardened concrete, by accident. What would he do to the woman in his
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arms during what amounts to an epileptic fit?
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III
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Consider the driving urge between a man and a woman, the monomaniacal
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urge to achieve greater and greater penetration. Remember also that we
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are dealing with kryptonian muscles.
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Superman would literally crush LL's body in his arms, while
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simultaneously ripping her open from crotch to sternum, gutting her like
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a trout.
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IV
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Lastly, he'd blow off the top of her head.
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Ejaculation of semen is entirely involuntary in the human male, and in
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all other forms of terrestrial life. It would be unreasonable to assume
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otherwise for a kryptonian. But with kryptonian muscles behind it,
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Kal-El's semen would emerge with the muzzle velocity of a machine gun
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bullet. [One can imagine that the Kent home in Smallville was riddled
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with holes during Superboy's puberty. And why did Lana Lang never notice
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THAT?]
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In view of the foregoing, normal sex is impossible between LL and
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Superman.
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Artificial insemination may give us better results.
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V
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First we must collect the semen. The globules will emerge at transsonic
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speeds. Superman must first ejaculate, then fly frantically after the
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stuff to catch it in a test tube. We assume that he is on the Moon, both
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for privacy and to prevent the semen from exploding into vapor on
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hitting air at such speeds.
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He can catch the semen, of course. He's faster than a speeding bullet.
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But can he keep it?
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All known forms of kryptonian life have superpowers. The same must
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hold true of living kryptonian sperm. We may reasonably assume that
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kryptonian sperm are vulnerable only to starvation and to green
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kryptonite; that they can travel with equal ease through water, air,
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vacuum, glass, brick, boiling steel, solid steel, liquid helium, or the
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core of a star; and that they are capable of translight velocities.
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What kind of a test tube will hold such beasties?
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Kryptonian sperm and their unusual powers will give us further
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trouble. For the moment we will assume (because we must) that they tend
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to stay in the seminal fluid, which tends to stay in a simple glass
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tube. Thus Superman and LL can perform artificial insemination.
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At least there will be another generation of kryptonians.
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Or will there?
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VI
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A ripened but unfertilized egg leaves LL's ovary, begins its voyage down
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her Fallopian tube.
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Some time later, tens of millions of sperm, released from a test tube,
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begin their own voyage up LL's Fallopian tube.
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The magic moment approaches...
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Can human breed with Kryptonian? Do we even use the same genetic code?
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On the face of it, LL could more easily breed with an ear of corn than
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with Kal- El. But coincidence does happen. If the genes match...
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One sperm arrives before the others. It penetrates the egg, forms a
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lump on its surface. The cell wall now thickens to prevent other sperm
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from entering. Within the now-fertilized egg, changes take place...
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And ten million kryptonian sperm arrive slightly late.
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Were they human sperm, they would be out of luck. But these tiny blind
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things are more powerful than a locomotive. A thickened cell wall won't
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stop them. They will ALL enter the egg, obliterating it entirely in an
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orgy of microscopic gang rape. So much for artificial insemination.
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But LL's problems are just beginning.
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VII
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Within her body there are still tens of millions of frustrated
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kryptonian sperm. The single egg is now too diffuse to be a target. The
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sperm scatter.
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They scatter without regard to what is in their path. They leave
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curved channels, microscopically small. Presently all will have found
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their way to the open air.
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That leaves LL with several million microscopic perforations all
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leading deep into her abdomen. Most of the channels will intersect one
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or more loops of intestine.
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Peritonitis is inevitable. LL becomes desperately ill.
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Meanwhile, tens of millions of sperm swarm in the air over Metropolis.
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VIII
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This is more serious than it looks.
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Consider: these sperm are virtually indestructible. Within days or
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weeks they will die for lack of nourishment. Meanwhile they cannot be
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affected by heat, cold, vacuum, toxins, or anything short of green
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kryptonite. [And other forms of kryptonite. For instance, there are
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chunks of red kryptonite that make giants out of kryptonians. Imagine
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ten million earthworm-sized spermatozoa swarming over a Metropolis
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beach, diving to fertilize the beach balls...but I digress.] There they
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are, miniscule but dangerous; for each has supernormal powers.
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Metropolis is shaken by tiny sonic booms. Worm-holes, charred by
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meteroric heat, sprout magically in all kinds of things: plate glass,
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masonry, antique ceramics, electric mixers, wood, household pets, and
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citizens. Some of the sperm will crack lightspeed. The Metropolis night
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comes alive with a network of narrow, eerie blue lines of Cherenkov
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radiation.
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And women whom Superman has never met find themselves in a delicate
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condition.
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Consider: LL won't get pregnant because there were too many of the
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blind mindless beasts. But whenever one sperm approaches an unfertilized
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human egg in its panic flight, it will attack.
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How close is close enough? A few centimeters? Are sperm attracted by
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chemical cues? It seems likely. Metropolis had a population of millions;
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and a kryptonian sperm could travel a long and crooked path, billions of
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miles, before it gives up and dies.
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Several thousand blessed events seem not unlikely. [If the pubescent
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Superboy plays with himself, we have the same problem over Smallville.]
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Several thousand lawsuits would follow. Not that Superman can't afford
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to pay. There's a trick where you squeeze a lump of coal into its
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allotropic diamond form...
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IX
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The above analysis gives us part of the answer. In our experiment in
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artificial insemination, we must use a single sperm. This presents no
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difficulty. Superman may use his microscopic vivion and a pair of tiny
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tweezers to pluck a sperm from the swarm.
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X
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In its eagerness the single sperm may crash through LL's abdomen at
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transsonic speeds, wreaking havoc. Is there any way to slow it down?
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There is. We can expose it to gold kryptonite.
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Gold kryptonite, we remember, robs a kryptonian of all of his
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supernormal powers, permanently. Were we to expose Superman himself to
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gold kryptonite, we would solve all his sex problems, but he would be
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Clark Kent forever. We may regard this solution as somewhat drastic.
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But we can expose the test tube of seminal fluid to gold kryptonite,
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then use standard techniques for artificial insemination.
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By any of these methods we can get LL pregnant, without killing her.
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Are we out of the woods yet?
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XI
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Though exposed to gold kryptonite, the sperm still carries kryptonian
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genes. If these are recessive, then LL carries a developing human fetus.
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There will be no more Supermen; but at least we need not worry about the
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mother's health.
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But if some or all of the kryptonian genes are dominant...
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Can the infant use his X-ray vision before birth? After all, with such
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a power he can probably see through his own closed eyelids. That would
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leave LL sterile. If the kid starts using heat vivion, things get even
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worse.
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But when he starts to kick, it's all over. He will kick his way out
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into the open air, killing himself and his mother.
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XII
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Is there a solution?
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There are several. Each has drawbacks.
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We can make LL wear a kryptonite [For our purposes, all forms of
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kryptonite are available in unlimited quantities. It has been estimated,
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from the startling tonnage of kryptonite fallen to Earth since the
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explosion of Krypton, that the planet must have outweighed our entire
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solar system. Doubtless the "planet" Krypton was a cooling black dwarf
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star, one of a binary pair, the other member being a red giant.] belt
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around her waist. But too little kryptonite may allow the child to
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damage her, while too much may damage or kill the child. Intermediate
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amounts may do both! And there is no safe way to experiment.
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A better solution is to find a host-mother.
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We have not yet considered the existence of Supergirl. [She can't mate
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with Superman because she's his first cousin. And only a cad would
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suggest differently.] She could carry the child without harm. But
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Supergirl has a secret identity, and her secret identity is no more
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married than Supergirl herself. If she turned up pregnant, she would
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probably be thrown out of school.
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A better solution may be to implant the growing fetus in Superman
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himself. There are places in a man's abdomen where a foetus could draw
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adequate nourishment, growing as a parasite, and where it would not
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cause undue harm to surrounding organs. Presumably Clark Kent can take a
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leave of absence more easily than Supergirl's schoolgirl alter ego.
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When the time comes, the child would be removed by Caesarian section.
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It would have to be removed early, but there would be no problem with
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incubators as long as it was fed. I leave the problem of cutting through
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Superman's invulnerable skin, as an exercise for the reader.
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The mind boggles at the image of a pregnant Superman cruising the
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skies of Metropolis. Batman would refuse to be seen with him; strange
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new jokes would circulate the prisons...and the race of Krypton would be
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safe at last.
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*-* Phoenix Modernz Inc. :908/830-TANJ *-*
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