255 lines
9.2 KiB
Plaintext
255 lines
9.2 KiB
Plaintext
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OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO oOOOO OOOO. OOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
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OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" .OOOOOO OOOOOo OOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
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OOOO oOOOOOOO OOOOOOO. OOOO oOOOO
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OOOO .OOOO OOOO OOOOOOOOo OOOO OOOO"
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OOOO oOOOO OOOO OOOO "OOOO. OOOO OOOOo .OOOO'
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OOOO .OOOO" OOOO OOOO OOOOoOOOO "OOOO. oOOOO
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OOOO oOOOOOOO..OOOO OOOO "OOOOOOO OOOOoOOOO"
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OOOO .OOOO"""OOOOOOOO OOOO OOOOOO "OOOOOOO'
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OOOO oOOOO ""OOOO OOOO "OOOO OOOOOO
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| There Ain't No Justice |
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| #72 |
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- Why Computers are Better than Women -
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&
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- Some of our Favorite Bumper Stickers -
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by Kel'anth & Steven Rosen
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Why Computers Are Better Than Women
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(an exercise in sophistry, yo)
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1. A computer never has a headache.
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2. For $20, you can get a computer that blows.
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3. Anytime you want to get screwed, you can just buy Microsoft.
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4. You can enjoy a computer all month long.
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5. Computers don't stain.
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6. You don't have to wine and dine a computer.
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7. A computer will wait for you while you play ball.
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8. When your computer gets old, you toss it and buy a new one.
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9. Computers are never late.
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10. The worst disease you can get is carpal tunnel syndrome.
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11. Computers don't get jealous when you buy another computer.
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12. A computer won't get upset if you use computers too much.
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13. If you buy a floppy drive, you'll always get good head.
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14. You can have more than 1 computer without guilt.
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15. Computers go down a lot without being asked.
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16. You can share a computer with your friends.
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17. A computer doesn't demand equality.
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18. A computer doesn't care when you come.
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19. A computer doesn't care if you talk to it.
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20. Computers like to be used.
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21. Computers don't get bad perms.
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22. A computer never leaves you for another guy.
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23. Computers get faster every year.
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24. A computer is ready any time of day.
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25. A computer won't demand commitment.
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26. You can take a computer with you when you move.
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27. A computer will never wonder where you've been.
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28. Computers don't think cucumbers are better than men.
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29. A computer will do anything if you ask it, even sober.
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(this next bit was typed up by Scooter II)
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The Denver Post
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July 6, 1993
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Pg F-1
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BUMPER STICKER FAVORITES
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Don't look now - your humor's showing
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By Steven Rosen, Denver Post Arts Writer
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Talk about a driving obsession!
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In the June 18 Pulse column in WEEKEND!, we invited you to tell us your
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favorite or most interesting bumper stickers. (Good luck Jean Thompson of
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Denver trying to sell "God Created a Beautiful World - Don't Make It Ugly.)
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With so many responses, trends emerged. The three I spotted were these:
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People like bumper stickers that make fun of the cosmic- consciousness nature
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of New Age philosophy. A good dozen callers said their favorite sticker
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was "Visualize Whirled Peas," which is a parody of those "Visualize World
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Peace" stickers you see in hippie outposts where people only drive cars when
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not engaged in astral projection.
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Others liked a sticker that says "Visualize...Using Your Turn Signal,"
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which serves the same general purpose.
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* There are drivers out there who disagree with gay rights. [Remember,
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this IS from Colorado!] A half-dozen callers enjoyed "God Created Adam
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and Eve, not Adam and Steve."
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* Republicans hate President Bill Clinton and Democrats hate
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Republicans. Among the numerous favorite bumper stickers that underscore
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that point:
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Impeach the Clintons
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Friends don't Let Friends Vote Republican
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Bill Clinton Doesn't Inhale - He Sucks.
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Vote Republican - You A-- Holes Deserve It
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First Hillary, then Gennifer, Now Us.
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Vote Republican - Its Easier Than Thinking
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[Plus my favorite - "Picard and Riker '92"]
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* Here are some others that we have room, or the good taste, to print:
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Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway.
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No Matter Where You Go, There You Are.
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My Child Can Beat Up Your Honor Student.
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Don't Laugh - Your Daughter Might Be In Here. (On Old Truck)
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Cats Flattened While You Watch.
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I May Be Fat but You're Ugly - and I Can Lose Weight.
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Stamp Out Crime - Abolish the IRS
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Dare to keep the CIA off Drugs.
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Just say no to sexist Pro-Lifers.
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My Other Car is a Broom.
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"Happiness is your Mother-In-Law's
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Picture on the Back of a Milk Carton"
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Quit Sniveling.
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Stupid People Shouldn't Breed.
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Kissing a Smoker is like Licking an Ashtray
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"It will be a great day when our schools get
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all the money they need and the air force
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has to hold a bake sale to buy a bomber."
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Not All Men are Fools. Some are Bachelors.
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Happiness is Coming.
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Have You Flogged Your Crew Today?
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Husbands Are Proof That Women Have a Sense of Humor.
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Forget the Whales, Save the Cowboy.
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Eat American Lamb. Ten Million Coyotes Can't be Wrong.
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"If You Call Some Animals Pets, How Can
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You Call Other Animals Dinner?"
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I'm From the Government. I'm Here to Help You.
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Blood Sun Earth
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Old Skiers Never Die. They Just go Downhill.
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Nuke Gay Whales for Jesus.
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Money Isn't Everything, But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch.
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Disarm Rapists
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Commit Random Kindness and Senseless Acts of Beauty
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Happiness is the Ball in the Fairway.
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Have You Hugged Your Stockbroker Today?
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Avoid The Rush - Hate Texas Early
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[Coloradans have an inborn hate for Texans...]
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My Karma just ran over your Dogma.
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My Mother was a Travel Agent for Guilt Trips
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Hug Your Kids at Home and Belt Them in the Car.
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[Seatbelts, guys...]
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I brake for Hallucinations.
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Flag Worship is Idolatry.
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Illiterate? Call This Number for Help...
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Welcome to Colorado - Now Go Home
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If You Love Jesus Tithe - Any Fool Can Honk
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I'm OK. You're So-So.
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Will Rogers Never Met Howard Cosell.
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Smile - Its The Second Best Thing you can do with Your Lips.
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"Telling an Old Person He's Useless
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Is Abortion on the Other End"
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Scixelsyd Etinu. [Read Backwards]
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Use Caution in Passing - Driver Chewing Tobacco
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If Men Could Have Abortions, It Would Be a Sacrament
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Jesus Saves...String.
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Will Work for Sex
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Ask First If The Animal Wants To Be Killed
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Your Mother's Choice was Pro-Life. [Waah...]
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Don't Honk - I'm Pedaling as Fast as I Can
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If You Can Read This Bumper Sticker, You're In Range
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This Vehicle Swerves and Hits Pedestrians at Random
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Black Holes Suck.
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And Finally, "Help Stamp Out Bumper Stickers."
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