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____________________________________________________________________________
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***************************THE BACK ISSUES**********************************
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********************PARTS NINETY-ONE TO NINETY-FIVE*************************
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(Written by Daniel Bowen, Monash University, Melbourne Australia)
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(Send e-mail to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu)
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_______________________________________________________________________________
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Feverish Toxic Custard
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* *** * * *** TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES
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**** * * * * Number 91 - 6th April 1992
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* * * * * **** Written by Daniel Bowen in a hot sweat with a
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** *** ** ** * blocked dothe and a pretty nasty cough but I'll
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survive somehow, there's no need to worry too
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-------------------------------much, I'll just keep soldiering on with my near-
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f
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If YOU had the spirit of BARRY MANILOW inside you, what would you do? a
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Would you PANIC? NO! You'd call Ralph's Excorcists Ltd. Summon us, 24 t
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hours a day, 7 days a week. a
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l
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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c
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This week saw the release of the Urban Survival Handbook, by John o
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Wiseman, retired professional soldier with the SAS and survival n
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instructor. He was inspired to write it after somehow managing to cut d
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his head open on a cupboard door in his kitchen. To aid our readers, we i
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present some short excerpts from the book: t
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i
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- CROSSING THE STREET - Sneak up on the traffic light from behind, o
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preferably undercover of darkness. Remain a short distance from the n
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traffic light until the evil Commie terrorist red man has disappeared .
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and the good green walking man has appeared, then carefully and quietly
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make your way across the road, watching for snipers. I
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- CUPBOARDS - When opening the cupboard, sneak up from behind, d
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preferably undercover of darkness. Grab the cupboard by the handle with o
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your bayonet and pull it open, screaming "Die you commie cupboard n
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mother-fucker!" '
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t
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- MUGGERS - Always confront muggers in your army greens and SAS beret
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whilst equipped with SAS standard issue machine gun and hand grenades. e
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That usually scares the shit out of them. x
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p
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- RELIGION - Always confront religious groups in your army greens and e
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SAS beret whilst equipped with SAS standard issue machine gun and hand c
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grenades. That usually scares the shit out of them. t
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- VACUUMING THE HOUSE - Sneak up on the dust from behind, preferably s
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undercover of darkness. Your vacuum cleaner is your weapon; use it y
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carefully. Prior entering the dirty room, ensure the hostages have all m
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been released safely. p
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a
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - t
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h
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Oh I'm so lost, Lord y
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I'm lost without no hope
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I'm lost from the Lord Jesus f
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And I'm lost from the pope r
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o
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I'm out in the wilderness m
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In the devil's lap
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I'm lost in the countryside y
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And I didn't bring a map o
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u
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Where can I go now
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Being lost is no fun l
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I wanna see a priest please! o
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Or a bishop or a nun t
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,
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I may have lost my faith
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But I haven't lost my thirst o
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Will God try to guide me? h
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Or will the cops find me first?
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n
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Is that a town I see o
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Or a hill or just a shack? .
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Oh, screw the Lord, I just remembered
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There's a flare inside my bag N
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o
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - r
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POPSICLE d
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Part Five - "Shaking The Tree" o
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Mr Popsicle, of the Australian Royal Security Establishment was rather I
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concerned that the plot was getting entirely lost in his latest
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adventure, and that he wasn't being portrayed as the all Australian e
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complete and utter cool guy and HERO that he was. His current case, x
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investigating the theft of a large amount of alcohol from a Police p
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party was particularly boring and dull, so he decided to pep it up a e
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bit by organising a big raid on some guy whose file he'd pulled out of c
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the filing cabinet just for the hell of it. His name was Fergus, but t
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everyone knew him as Fergie, because he had long red hair and was
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getting divorced. c
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Popsicle miscalculated though, and managed to increase to a
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embarassment level the amounts of liquid in the front of his trousers. r
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In fact, not to linger on this point for too long, he stank to high d
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heaven afterwards, a fact which, understandably, didn't over-please s
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him. Fergus hadn't been expected to put up a fight, so it surprised
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Popsicle somewhat when they burst through the door to find a rather c
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large elephant. Fergus had never been known to keep animals - not even o
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a dog or a cat, let alone an elephant. And this elephant was MEAN n
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looking. It had "Fuck off!" tattooed on each of its ears. t
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Once Popsicle had regained his dignity, and gained a clean pair of a
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underpants, the questioning began. Fergus was obviously scared, i
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otherwise why keep an elephant for protection? He claimed he was just n
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minding it for some environmentalist friends. After all, he said, i
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elephants have rights too. n
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To cut a long and boring story short, Popsicle charged Fergus with g
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possession of an offensive elephant, and released him on bail. The
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elephant was released into the urban jungle and went on to a successful h
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career on tv chat shows. u
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g
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ e
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This has been another long and boring
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episode of Toxic Custard. Those of you s
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who would like to read some of the long u
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and boring back-issues should reply to m
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this for details, or send long and s
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boring mail to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ o
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Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen. All rights reserved. f
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--
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Daniel Bowen, Monash University | m
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Melbourne Australia | 3% of signature quotes o
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daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au | contain statistics. n
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TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | e
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y
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*elffins* *rettulps* *hguoc* .nialpmoc t'ndluow I hguohT .ton yletulosbA .
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_______________________________________________________________________________
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Recycled Toxic Custard
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: : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP
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: : : : : : : : FILES. Number 92: 13th
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: : : : : : : : : : : : : : : April 1992. Written by
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: : : : : : : : Daniel Bowen.
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: : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : - - - - - - - - - - -
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I certainly don't want to make any excuses for not being bothered to
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write something new for this week, but I couldn't be bothered to write
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something new for this week. So instead, out of the archives, here's
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the unedited unexpurgated unbleeped uncensored version of my last
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article for the student newspaper, the Naked Wasp. See if you can guess
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which bits they chopped out.
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MONASH UNIVERISTY - CAULFIELD AND FRANKSTON CAMPUSES
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A-Z OF SERVICES AND FACILITIES
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------------------------------
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ACADEMIC DRESS
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Academic dress may be hired or bought from the Lost Property Office,
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Student Union, Clayton. The faculty colours are:
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Arts: Positively valid and relevant rose
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Business: Profitable petunia
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Computing & Information Technology: 16-bit standard interface green
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Economics, Commerce & Management: Inflationary committee meeting blue
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Education: Granny Smith green
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Engineering: Lager beige
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Law: Mercedes white
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Medicine: Blood red
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Professional studies: Typewriter violet
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Science: Test-tube chemical explosive primrose
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BOOKSHOP
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Don't even bother during the first three weeks of term- you'll have to
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queue for three days just to buy a pencil.
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CLUBS AND SOCIETIES
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There is an abundance...? There are an abundance...? There is.. are...
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erm.. An abundance of clubs and societies exist at Monash, including:
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Interest Clubs- I
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- Get Completely Pissed Every Night of the Year Society f
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- Fascist Fuckwits Federation
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- Theatrical Deep and Meaningful Poets Socially Relevant Society y
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- Jewish Students Society o
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- Palestinian Students Society u
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- Arab Terrorists Club
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- Arab Moderates Club t
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- United Nations Peacekeeping Force Society h
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- Clubbers Club i
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- Cavemans Club n
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- Students for Christ k
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- Students for Brian
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- Students for the Devil I
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- Students for No-one in Particular '
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- Students Who Aren't Sure Who They're For v
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e
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Sporting Clubs-
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- Hitting Little Plastic Things Around Rooms With Metal Things Club g
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- Vomitski o
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- Water Sports Club t
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Course Clubs- t
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- Garbology Society i
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- Lecture Skipping Society m
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- Photocopying Notes Society e
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- Exam Cheats Society
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t
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o
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FEES
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If you haven't paid your fees for this year yet, we advise you to do so w
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before we come around and smash your head in. Your fees paid for this a
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publication, by the way. s
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Other expenditure is- t
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- Recreation $305,886 - We sent the entire student union on a five-week e
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holiday/mass orgy cruise around the Pacific
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- Student Association $97,040 - Oh I forget what this was for. It d
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doesn't really matter does it? o
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- Services $570,368 - A packet of twelve hotdogs and a loaf of bread i
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for Orientation Week n
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- Administration $363,896 - Five million sheets of paper, two hundred g
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thousand pens, seventy-three gallons of liquid paper and a
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staple a
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- Union Board $77,000 - A diary for all students, and funds to provide n
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facilities for the Board to sit around committee meetings o
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making jokes about bananas t
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- Running Costs $148,900 - We hired fifteen top class athletes with h
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this money! e
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- Assets/Projects $517,412 - Three chairs, a table and a garbage bin in r
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the student lounge
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o
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n
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FOOD e
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There are a number of places on and around campus to eat, but I
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wouldn't bother, it's either horrible or exhorbitant. You'll find it o
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cheaper to starve. f
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Now available - Nestle's Fried Babies In Chocolate!
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t
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h
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I.D. CARDS e
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You vill carry your ID card vith you at all times! You vill need it ven s
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ze glorious Fourth Reich sturm-troopers enter ze university and kill e
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all ze communist pinko socialist homosexual leftist teaching staff
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scum! Prove zat you are not vone of zis VERMIN! s
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--This message brought to you by the Fascist Fuckwits' Federation-- t
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u
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p
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LECTURES i
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What are they? d
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s
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NAKED WASP i
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'The Naked Wasp', the student and community newspaper is scheduled to d
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appear in little bins all over campus and occasionally and unexpectedly e
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during the year. 'The Naked Wasp' contains such items as dull poetry, w
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unlikely short stories, boring reviews, political and socially trivial a
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issues, music (Music?! How do they make a newspaper musical?! Print y
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sheet music in it?), rotten cartoons, puerile humour and moronic s
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editorials.
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m
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e
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PARKING s
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There is sod all parking around Caulfield campus, and we personally s
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hope that your car is smashed to a tiny pulp and deposited in the a
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toilet while you're not looking and it serves you right you g
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eco-smashing-bastard/bitch, you should have taken the train. e
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s
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,
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QUEUES
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Check out the queues at the photocopiers, the queues during enrolment, y
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the queues to borrow books in the library, queues at the cafeteria, o
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queues to get into lectures, queues to get into exams, queues for u
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computer terminals, queues for this, queues for that, queues, queues, '
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queues, queues, queues and more sodding queues. v
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e
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RECYCLING g
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The Student Union became actively involved in recycling after we heard o
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the name of the bins we're using - "Envirobins". Pretty snappy, eh? How t
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could we resist? The Union also encourages the use of bikes. Oh, that's
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cycling, isn't it... sorry. a
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n
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o
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SECURITY BUS t
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Well, okay, so it's a Security Shag wagon, but that doesn't have the h
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same ring to it, does it. Nor does it inspire confidence in those who e
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would be using it. r
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t
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SEXUAL HARASSMENT h
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The editors of the Naked Wasp would like it to be known that they in no i
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way mind being sexually harassed. n
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g
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SMOKING c
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There is a total ban on smoking across all Monash campuses. So you o
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smokers can sod off outside and destroy your lungs elsewhere. All m
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smokers who die on campus have their carcasses recycled and are shipped i
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to the Monash Medical Centre for experiments. n
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g
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.
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VIDEO GAMES
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Video games can be found on most PC hard drives around the campus. I
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Oops, we weren't meant to tell you that, were we. Also available are t
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pornographic computer pictures. But we weren't meant to tell you that, '
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either. l
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l
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XENOPHOBIA b
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For those interested, the Fascist Fuckwits Federation are having a e
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meeting next Monday afternoon at 3pm on the lawns near the Green
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building. Racist speeches, running around in silly white costumes, a
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cross burning and other intellectual activity will follow. l
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o
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n
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ZERO g
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The chance you have of finishing your course on time.
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i
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n
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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There will be no Toxic Custard Workshop Files a
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next week. This is because I'm getting married
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next Saturday, and I'll have better things to m
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do than write this crap for you lot. Read some i
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back-issues instead. For details on how to get n
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them, reply to this mail, or write to u
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tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu t
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ e
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Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen. .
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--
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Daniel Bowen, Monash University | When there's somethin' strange
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Melbourne Australia | Growin' on your foot
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daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au | Who you gonna call?
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TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | WartBusters!
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_______________________________________________________________________________
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93 Toxic Custards sitting on the wall...
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_______ ___ ____ ___ ___
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| / \ | | | / \ / \ TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES
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| | | | |___ \____| __/ Number 93 - 27th April 1992
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| | | | | | | \ Written by Daniel Bowen
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___|_____\___/___\/ \/___|______\___/___\___/_**BRIAN SMITH IS MERELY AVERAGE**
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POPSICLE (This is major crap)
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Part Six - Paradise Tommorow
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W
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The great Town Hall Police Party Robbery Stabbing Hostage Incident e
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Drama Crisis Inquiry Investigation and accompanying tv series was l
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reaching a climax. Not only were the readers getting entirely and l
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utterly and completely and utterly and entirely and completely and ,
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entirely and utterly and completely and utterly sick of it, but so were
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the characters involved. Either it was going to end soon or the author h
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was going to meet a grisly fate in a ditch. e
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Unbeknownst to the Australian Royal Security Establishment r
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taskforce, the thieves were led by Alfredo Cappucino. Cappucino, a e
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well-known Mafia boss and game-show host, had had a grudge against
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police for many years, after they so unfairly had arrested him for just I
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a little bit of organised crime. He had formulated his plan. To strike
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back at the police the most cruel, mean and nasty way possible. To a
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steal their alcohol. m
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But Cappucino had not reckoned on the deductive powers of the ,
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investigation leader, Mr Popsicle, and the scientific powers and
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passion for leather of forensic expert Doctor "Goose" Wedge. (We won't b
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go into why he was nicknamed Goose at the present moment.) a
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Cappucino was now lying low, on a sunbed in a cellar of a small c
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house in a small suburb of the city - somewhere in the vicinity of k
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Holyrood Street in Hampton. The street had been named after an arrogant
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priest who had lived in the area in the 1880's. a
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Cappucino's two henchmen, Nick and Dennis, and the dog, Pike, were g
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happily playing with their guns one afternoon when they read in the a
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Harold-Fun newspaper that the police were looking for a dog. So they i
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shot theirs, and managed to bluff their way past an RSPCA man by n
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claiming Pike was merely pining. .
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Meanwhile Popsicle, Dr Wedge and the ARSE team were piecing
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together clues, including 4 down, 3 across and a really tricky one, 12 D
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across. They were confident they'd have the whole thing wrapped up that i
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afternoon, and they'd be able to get back to the case. d
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Christ, that'll do. The concluding episode of Popsicle next week. y
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - o
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u
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MRS IRENE BUSYBODY SPEAKS OUT ON...
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Easter. Beats me why we need to celebrate Easter. Something to do with m
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Jesus getting crucified and resurrected later, but I fail to see the i
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connection between that and chocolate rabbits. I myself believe that it s
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is a corruption of our language. There is no "Easter Rabbit". It's the s
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Easter Rabbi. Think about it - Jesus was Jewish. Maybe next year the
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chocolate manufacturers will figure this out and they'll make chocolate m
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rabbis. e
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Of course, then there's the chocolate egg. But saying it's a symbol ?
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of rebirth is just a cover-up. The egg is simply a symbol of birth,
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that's all, not RE-birth. Chickens hatch, they don't resurrect. In H
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fact, it's just another corruption of the old myths and legends. They m
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can try to cover it up, but the simple and rather alarming fact is that m
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Jesus was a chicken. God, after all, was a chicken (see TCWF 42), so it m
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figures that Jesus had to be a chicken too. Maybe it's not so much a .
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symbol of birth, but of getting laid? Shalom. .
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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N
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Ten green bottles sitting on the wall e
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Ten green bottles sitting on the wall i
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And if one green bottle should accidentally fall t
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There'd be nine green bottles sitting on the wall h
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e
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Nine foul drunkards leaning on the bar r
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Nine foul drunkards leaning on the bar
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And if one foul drunkard should lean a bit too far d
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There'd be eight foul drunkards leaning on the bar i
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d
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Eight loud Christians shouting in the street
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Eight loud Christians shouting in the street t
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And if one loud Christian should Satan suddenly meet h
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There'd be seven loud Christians shouting in the street e
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Seven shuttle astros flying to the stars k
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Seven shuttle astros flying to the stars i
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And if the fuel tank explodes and the whole thing goes BLAST! d
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There'd be no shuttle astros flying to the stars
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s
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Six big coppers in a doughnut shop p
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Six big coppers in a doughnut shop i
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And if one big copper was accidentally shot t
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There'd be five big coppers in a doughnut shop t
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i
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Five white racists having a rally n
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Five white racists having a rally g
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And if one moronic racist should fall down a manhole in an alley
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There'd be four white racists having a rally o
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n
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Four arts students discussing Berthold Brecht
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Four arts students discussing Berthold Brecht m
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And if one arts student should get stabbed in the neck e
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There'd be three arts students discussing Berthold Brecht
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i
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Three airline pilots flying much too far n
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Three airline pilots flying much too far
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And if one airline pilot should leave the door ajar B
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There'd be two airline pilots flying much too far a
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|
l
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Two uni lecturers spouting lots of shit l
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Two uni lecturers spouting lots of shit a
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And if one uni lecturer should have an epileptic fit r
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There'd be one uni lecturer spouting lots of shit a
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|
t
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One silly reader singing this whole song .
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One silly reader singing this whole song
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And if that one silly reader should annoy his friends too long
|
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There'd be no silly readers singing this whole song.
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|
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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That's enough of this crap for another week. More crap
|
|
next week. Old crap-issues are available - reply to
|
|
this, or send email to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for details
|
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
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Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen.
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--
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Daniel Bowen, Monash University | VEGAN'S DINNER NIGHTMARE:
|
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Melbourne Australia | Deep-fried dead vegetarian
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daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au | peaceloving Buddist Aquarius
|
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TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | goat supplied by McDonald's.
|
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_______________________________________________________________________________
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"Let them eat Toxic Custard"
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TOXIC CUSTARD .-. . . Number 94 Written by Daniel Bowen
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WORKSHOP FILES `-| `-| 4th May 1992 daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au
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------------------ | - | ----------------------------------------------
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The Dalai Lama - which shaver does he use on his head? I
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*NEW!* Remington "Dalai". For the spiritual leader in exile who wants
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the best shave that prayer can summon. For when stubble is more than s
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|
just an illusion. u
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|
Yes, the 14th Dalai Lama is now touring Australia, and is as always p
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accompanied by his bodyguards, who are at all times vigilant, looking p
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out for deadly Communist kamikaze toadstools which may fling themselves o
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into his mouth. s
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - e
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BEVERLY HILLS, 90210 - Channel Ten, 7:30 Friday y
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This week, Caroline realises the extent of her feelings for Paul. Todd o
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and Phoebe's big night doesn't go quite to plan, when they are u
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interrupted by rioters. Brenda reveals that she was one of a group of '
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|
people who overturned and set fire to Brandon's car, and Paul appears r
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|
on a news report about people who loot video recorders out of K-Mart. e
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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e
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POPSICLE x
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Part Seven - "Soft Ball" p
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e
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The Australian Royal Security Establishment were closing in fast on the c
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Police Party Alcohol Robbery thieves. And Alfredo Cappucino, the gang t
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leader, knew it in his bones. Perhaps, he thought, he was getting i
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paranoid. And yet, every time he looked out the window, there was a n
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different coloured van parked opposite. Of course, his henchmen, Nick g
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and Dennis, were busy scanning the police radio channels, but the
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A.R.S.E taskforce were avoiding police frequencies, and sticking to t
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semaphore. h
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|
Important progress had been made at headquarters that day. They'd e
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finally decided what colour the new wallpaper should be. After all,
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they had to get rid of a budget surplus somehow. Meanwhile, the Soggies u
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|
were preparing to move in on Cappucino's place. The Soggies were a s
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crack(ed) team of highly trained butch commando types, and all as thick u
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as three short planks. They were known as Soggies because they'd do a
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jobs that other cops would come away from with soggy trousers. l
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While Cappucino, Nick and Dennis were out in their van, the Soggies
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took a quick look around the house, identifying and noting the s
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positions of all the possible entry points. h
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"Hey Fred, is this a door?" i
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"Yeah mate, it is. 'Cos it's got the handle thing down there t
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sticking out of it."
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"And you can't see through it, right?" i
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"Right." n
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There was a signal from next door, where Cappucino's neighbour had
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let Les, former undercover A.R.S.E agent, now overcover A.R.S.E agent, t
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set up camp to watch the place. Les was sending semaphore to the h
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Soggies, telling them to "G E T T H E F U C K O U T T A T H E R E !", i
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so they ran very fast in another direction. The villainous bastards of s
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the story were obviously coming back. They'd been to the park for a
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game of soft ball, a curious game they had invented involving bricks m
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and someone else's testicles. e
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Cappucino arrived back with Nick and Dennis. He had been glad of s
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|
the short time out of the house. He had just about had enough of s
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hanging around the house with Nick and Dennis, neither of whom had had a
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a wash in three weeks. He was nervous. He was tense. He was stressed. g
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He had a headache. Why not try a Panadol, he thought. Good idea, he e
|
|
replied. Fine, at least it got rid of the headache. There was just the ?
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nerves, tension and stress left to get rid of now.
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|
Night fell. Then it got up again, darkening the city. The rats out W
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|
in the streets squeaked as they explored the gutters. The apes were e
|
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noisy too, as they kicked people out of nightclubs. The pigs were l
|
|
noisy, enthusiastically drove around in their nice cars with the blue l
|
|
and red lights flashing. The elephants in the zoo slept soundly, apart ,
|
|
from the snoring. The elephants, having the biggest noses around, were
|
|
as usual keeping everyone else awake. t
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|
But elsewhere in the city, things were beginning to move. The h
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Soggies, having checked out the target house, were ready to move. a
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They'd brought back a few photos of the backyard, showing some evidence t
|
|
connected with the crime that had given Doc "Goose" Wedge, the '
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|
taskforce forensic expert, an orgasm all over the lab bench. Mr s
|
|
Popsicle, the taskforce leader, was impatient, and ready to move.
|
|
Inspector Jock Unnecessary-Violence, liason between the cops and the j
|
|
A.R.S.E taskforce, was ready to move too. There was nothing he liked u
|
|
more that bursting through doors and shooting, er, apprehending s
|
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scumbags, er suspects. t
|
|
So, surrounded by a suitable amount of darkness and gloom, the
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Soggies moved in to surround the house. After much agonising and delay, w
|
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the signal came to move in. They burst through the back and front h
|
|
doors, guns blazing, with shouts of "Police! Don't move, you leech- a
|
|
eating, worm-squashing scum-sucking bastard vermins!" They came out t
|
|
again just as fast when they realised they had the wrong street, and
|
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quickly repositioned outside the correct house. y
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Les was listening in on the gang with some rather spiffy equipment o
|
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he'd seen advertised in a comic he'd found on the train. And it had u
|
|
only cost $15.95 + $4.05 postage and packing. All seemed quiet in the '
|
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house. Either that or the battery had run down. So he signalled the r
|
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Soggies to move in. e
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|
The Soggies burst through the back and front doors, guns blazing,
|
|
with shouts of "Police! Don't move, you leech-eating, worm-squashing g
|
|
scum-sucking bastard vermins!" Nick was in his room, getting a grip on e
|
|
himself when a Soggie burst through his bedroom door, shouting the t
|
|
aforementioned proclaimation. Nick was so surprised and upset by this t
|
|
that he grabbed his nearby gun and shot him. Yeah! One for the people! i
|
|
A point against the system! Take that, pig! [Oh. *sigh*] But luckily, n
|
|
he was wearing a bullet-proof vest. Oh well. g
|
|
So Nick, later described as a "little prick", was taken in, with .
|
|
Dennis and Alfredo Cappucino. Doc Wedge and his team of experts came in
|
|
to sift the house for evidence, and Popsicle and the team, after A
|
|
beating, er securing confessions out of the three suspects, decided to r
|
|
celebrate. Something suitable for this great occasion, a great victory e
|
|
for the A.R.S.E. n
|
|
"Why don't we have", he suggested, "a big party?" '
|
|
t
|
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THE END.
|
|
y
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ o
|
|
That was the final episode of this adventure u
|
|
of *Popsicle*! Rotten, wasn't it. If you
|
|
want to catch up on his previous thingies, g
|
|
you'll probably want the TCWF back-issues! l
|
|
For information on their apprehension, reply a
|
|
to this, or send mail to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu d
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ !
|
|
Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen.
|
|
--
|
|
Daniel Bowen, Monash University |
|
|
Melbourne, Australia | Oh no, not another funny
|
|
daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au | signature to write...
|
|
TCWF STUFF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu |
|
|
|
|
_______________________________________________________________________________
|
|
Happy bouncy Toxic Custard
|
|
|
|
___ _ _ _ _
|
|
| | | | |_ |_| |_ TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES #59 oops 95
|
|
| |_ |_|_| | _| _| 11th May 1992. Written by Daniel Bowen.
|
|
TEXAN COWS WEAR FROCKS! Thanks to Brian Smith for mediocre ideas. (*)
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
|
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|
|
NATIONAL SERVICE (*)
|
|
Many countries have national service - compulsory for men and/or women H
|
|
of certain ages. This week in TCWF we profile some different countries' e
|
|
national services. r
|
|
e
|
|
- Australian National Service - Between 18 and 21, all Australian men
|
|
are required to undergo training in one of the three services: w
|
|
Crocodile Farming, Beer Drinking and Surf Lifesaving. All men take at e
|
|
least elementary courses in each of the three services, meaning that by
|
|
the age of 21, all Australian men are well-rounded people who can save g
|
|
a drowning crocodile while intoxicated. o
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|
|
|
- Swedish Tennis Service - Between 18 and 20, all Swedes are required a
|
|
to undergo tennis training in the hope of becoming the top seeds in g
|
|
tennis. (Must be something to do with grass courts.) a
|
|
i
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|
- United States McDonalds Service - Now organised nationally, all n
|
|
American teenagers have to consume a minimum of 100 hamburgers, 50 .
|
|
shakes, 200 Cokes and 500,000 french-fries annually for a period of
|
|
five years. This was turned into legislation to make more money for D
|
|
fast food chains and pimple ointment companies. i
|
|
d
|
|
- British Secret Service - We were unable to find any information about
|
|
this. Apparently it's erm.. secret. y
|
|
o
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|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - u
|
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|
|
QUICK COOKING FOR CHRISTIANS k
|
|
Take thy evil demonic "Heat'n'Eat" meat pie from its plastic shrink- n
|
|
wrap casket and cast it ... cast it down! Down into the horrific flames o
|
|
of the oven.. for eternity if frozen, 25 minutes if thawed. Can be w
|
|
Microwrathed.
|
|
t
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|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - h
|
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a
|
|
MRS IRENE BUSYBODY SPEAKS OUT ON... t
|
|
Rock music. I don't know what this crap is the kids listen to today. In
|
|
my day it was the boyish good-looks of Tom Jones and honesty of Frank t
|
|
Sinatra. Not necessarily together, mind you. In fact, there was a h
|
|
distinct atmosphere of hostility and untogetherness. And everyone e
|
|
wasn't sleeping with each other back then. At least, if they were, they
|
|
weren't telling anyone about it. The sixties put paid to that. So much a
|
|
for decency. These supergroupies, or whatever they call themselves, v
|
|
with loads of popstars getting together and having sex and releasing e
|
|
albums, it's disgusting. Travelling Wilburies? Ought to be banned. r
|
|
Stinks of necrophilia to me. Disgusting. a
|
|
Of course, that's the problem with the young people today. Loud g
|
|
music. Rots their brains. It does, honest. Back in the 50's, you never e
|
|
got young people being aware of their surroundings and marching about
|
|
pollution and dead whales and Austudy funding. No. It's a scientific T
|
|
fact that if you let kids know what's going on in the world they want C
|
|
to do something about it. W
|
|
There's nothing wrong with the world today that a few H-bombs F
|
|
wouldn't put right. Why not, for instance, just nuke the entire third
|
|
world. Surely it would put a lot of those poor African starving types g
|
|
out of their misery? And we might finish off a few visiting tv e
|
|
celebrities at the same time. God, don't they make you sick? Nuke 'em. n
|
|
I mean, the greenies whinge on about nuclear winters and stuff, but e
|
|
think about it. A nuclear winter would surely nicely counter-balance r
|
|
the greenhouse effect, wouldn't it? Down a few degrees, up a few a
|
|
degrees... what difference does it make if you don't live in Venice? t
|
|
Meanwhile, the kids are marching again, wanting to change things. e
|
|
And where is that leading us? I mean, you may say that democracy is s
|
|
where everyone has their say, but you're wrong. That's anarchy that is.
|
|
Democracy is where everyone pretends to tell people what to do when 4
|
|
their elected, and then the government goes off and does what it bloody .
|
|
well wants. It's worked for years. 3
|
|
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - c
|
|
h
|
|
MegaBase Version 1.30372 Revision 29C (c) Software For Psychopaths Ltd u
|
|
c
|
|
> HELP k
|
|
l
|
|
Sorry, no help is available. e
|
|
s
|
|
> HELP PLEASE ,
|
|
|
|
Despite your impeccable manners, still no help is available. 1
|
|
.
|
|
> HELP ME PLEASE PLEASE 7
|
|
|
|
What's the matter with you? This program isn't *that* complex to use. g
|
|
Can't you cope? u
|
|
f
|
|
> YES f
|
|
a
|
|
Hmm. Okay. But try and pull yourself together. w
|
|
s
|
|
> I REALLY NEED HELP QUITE BADLY PLEASE PLEASE HELP ,
|
|
|
|
I just don't think you have an adequate brain capacity and mental a
|
|
system to cope with this sort of thing. Why don't you stick to paper? n
|
|
Aborting program. d
|
|
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 5
|
|
That's all for another week of This Collapsing 3
|
|
Weekly Farce. TCWF returns even worse next
|
|
week. Bet you can't wait! Oh, you can? Okay. l
|
|
Anyway, if you want them ol' ramblin' Texan i
|
|
Cows Wear Frocks (?!), they're all available, t
|
|
pardner. Just point your trusty steed in the r
|
|
direction of tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for details. e
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ s
|
|
Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen.
|
|
-- o
|
|
Daniel Bowen, Monash University | "Liquidity crisis hits sperm bank" f
|
|
Melbourne, Australia |
|
|
daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au | Heading, The Sunday Age v
|
|
TCWF STUFF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | 10/5/92, Page 1 o
|
|
m
|
|
c i
|
|
o t
|
|
Next week, our medical l investigates the uninvestigatible. ?
|
|
u
|
|
m
|
|
n (Scary, eh?)
|
|
|
|
_______________________________________________________________________________
|
|
To subscribe to the Toxic Custard Workshop Files, mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
|
|
|
|
--
|
|
Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen. All rights reserved.
|
|
May be copied or reproduced without permission
|
|
provided this notice remains intact.
|
|
--
|
|
Daniel Francis Bowen | Remember - jumpers are
|
|
Monash University, Melbourne, Australia | clothing's way of telling
|
|
----THE TOXIC-CUSTARD-WORKSHOP-FILES-----| you to pull over...
|
|
tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | [Toxic Custard Workshop]
|
|
|
|
|