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*****NUMBERS 176 TO 180***********BY DANIEL BOWEN (tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu)*****
"Irremediable Toxic Custard"
******* ***** ** ** ********
** ** ** * ** **
** ** ** *** ** *****
** ****** **** **** **
TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES #176 - December 5th, 1993
TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA - VOLUME 9
ICE
What water becomes if you freeze it. (See "gas", "Celsius") The
main uses of ice are to cool down drinks with, place down people's
backs, and economical housing for Eskimos.
INCOMPETENCE
A politer word for stupidity. If you are accused of incompetence,
just remember, it is far better to be incompetent than incontinent
(see below).
INCONTINENCE
Now let's make it clear. Incontinence is not something to be
laughed at. It is a very serious and discomforting condition. It
can't be easy walking around with large amounts of urine wanting to
leap into the outside world at every step. Incontinence can be
fatal, too - yes, people have drowned.
The most serious outbreak of incontinence occurred at the
Fourth Annual International Incontinence Conference, which the
organisers had unfortunately booked into an underground concrete
lined conference centre with below average drainage facilities.
After the stairs collapsed, all the delegates remaining in the
building went to a pissy grave.
INHERITANCE
If you are expecting a large inheritance when your grandparents
snuff it, have you considered investing it in the Custard Unit
Trust? The Custard Unit Trust has the full endorsement of the
author of Toxic Custard, and has a guaranteed return of 20%(*).
Custard Unit Trust has many and varied investments, but
specialises in putting money into many of the best alcoholic
beverage corporations and gambling establishments of this country.
For a copy of the prospectus entitled "Throw Your Money Our
Way", lodged with the Consumer Affairs Department in August 1993,
ring Freecall 1800-123456.
(*) This means that you are guaranteed
to get 20% of your investment back.
INJECTION
Medical procedure especially developed to scare the shit out of the
patient, and give the doctor a feeling of power. "Just sit very
still, Mr Jones, while I stick this bloody great needle in you.
Now, is that new, or did I use it on that drug addict... No no,
fairly sure it's a new one. Just sit still Mr Jones. You may feel
unbearable pain as the spike rips through your skin. If you wish to
scream so the patients in the waiting room can hear you, please do
so."
INSECTICIDE
Insecticide is a wondrous substance used to kill poor little
innocent insects, whose only fault is that they like crapping in
your food, nibbling on your skin, and buzzing around. But why use
conventional insecticide when you can use DDT?! From a real advert
for DDT, circa 1947:
"To keep your dog free of fleas and protected from ticks,
dust him once a month with Taylor's Number 13 DDT Powder.
Happy dog - he can't bring fleas into the house anymore!"
...because he's outside dying on the lawn, no doubt. Rover! Get up!
And put your fur back on!
INSTRUCTIONS
1. Take your new Toxic Custard out of the box, and check that all
the parts are present. (Main heading, body, dividing hyphens,
back-issues plug, signature)
2. Place the dividing hyphens at suitable places within the body,
taking care to ensure that topics are kept apart.
3. Insert the main heading above the body.
4. Append the back-issues plug and signature in that order, below
the body. Slot disclaimer A into signature B.
PROBLEM SOLVING
If you have problems reading your Toxic Custard, before calling
for service, please ensure that you are not wasting everybody's
time and generally being an ignorant consumer by making sure that:
- all jokes contain sufficient puns
- your Toxic Custard is not overrun by innuendo
- no obsolete sideways messages have made their way into the text
- the signature includes a (probably useless) copyright message
INTERDIGIT
Another one of those words that no-one of any importance ever uses.
Probably devised by the same guy who thought up "recalcitrant". In
fact, the sort of word that is more sensibly expressed using one or
more other words that people can actually understand.
ISM
Any distinctive doctrine, theory or practice.
ISMISM
Belief in any distinctive doctrine, theory or practice. Ismism was
started up in the mid-1980s by a splinter group from "Atheists For
Christ". Ismism meetings gained quick popularity, and Ismism leader
Ralph Snider travelled the world promoting his paper "Why I Argue A
Lot". The followers of Ismism are generally agreed to be very
confused people.
I-SPY
Simple spelling game which can get a little boring if played
consistently for more than four hours at a time. So boring, in
fact, that you may feel the necessity to play not "I-Spy", but
"I-Hit", a game which runs more or less like this-:
PERSON 1: "I hit with my little fist, something beginning with H"
PERSON 2: "Erm.. head?"
PERSON 1: "Correct!"
PERSON 2: "*Ouch!*"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
We of The Workers' United Revolutionary Party (TWURP) hereby call for
your vote in the upcoming elections, whenever the hell they may be.
TWURP freely advocate and support
- organised over-staffing of key jobs
- the reduction and eventual abolishment of actual work in jobs
- compulsory "Purdey's Theory of Productivity-Free Economics"
lectures
Oh dear. I do beg your pardon; I came all over right-wing then.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TCWF back-issues. Now. Email tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copyright (c) 1993 Daniel Bowen
--
Daniel Bowen, NTC Systems------| Any opinions expressed here were
Telecom Australia, Melbourne---| merely told to me by some guy in the
dbowen@vcomtelc.telecom.com.au-| street, and are not necessarily
TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu| those of Telecom Australia.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Jaded Toxic Custard"
_ ___ .. ___ ___
T |_ \ / |__ | / /
\/\/ | | | | 13th of de<ember, 1993
toxic custard |workshop files wRitten by danie1 b0wEn
TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA - VOLUME 10
JARGON
Linguistic formulations designed to disseminate knowledge on a
technical level.
JAYWALK
To carelessly cross a road, in order to either commit suicide
messily, or just generally scare the shit out of motorists. The
opposite of this is jaydrive, which is to obliviously stop your car
at traffic lights while completely blocking the pedestrian
crossing. Research has shown that around 3% of drivers actually
know that the thick line in front of the crossing is the one your
bonnet is meant to be behind, rather than the one your back wheels
are to stop at.
JEFFKENNETT
To attack mercilessly with a knife. Also means to be as ugly as a
fifty litre tub of rotting lard. With pigs entrails dripping from
it. (See Haggis)
JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES
There are a number of ways to get rid of Jehovah's Witnesses, even
without moving into the hugely popular area of physical violence.
The first is to explain that you are the devil's love-child, and
invite them in to have their souls devoured. Another is to briefly
describe a hole in the spare room floor through which you can see
red flames, and hear screams of anguished souls. But the best sure
fire way is just to say you're Jewish.
JESUS (6 B.C. - 30 A.D.) (*)
From all accounts, despite being the major inspiration for
Christianity, a thoroughly nice bloke.
Jesus, of course, never dated - can you imagine him taking a
girl home to meet his parents? "Janice, this is my mother, Mary,
and my step-father, Joseph. And my father is umm... omnipresent. I
mean, that is to say, my real father is... ummm... kind of... God."
(*) Am I the only one who thinks this is a bit silly?
JINGLE BELLS
The device used to signal that a fat bearded man is arriving on a
sled flown by reindeers, and is about to descend down your chimney
and leave something for the kids. Huh. If I went around doing that,
I wouldn't be making noise about it.
JOUST
A medieval game, where two knights would climb into armour, climb
on horses, and try and knock each other off their horses using
lances. It's all male-domination symbolism, of course. The armour
is an illusion of the safety of the womb. The horse is the
down-trodden woman, and the lance is the ultimate phallic symbol.
C'mon, admit it fellas, haven't you always wanted to climb onto the
back of your women, and try to knock each other off with your
penises?
JUGGLE
For the coordinated amongst us. The uncoordinated should stick to
Marbles.
JUNGLE
Area far too dense with wildlife to be of any interest to those of
a civilised disposition. Much better to knock it down, flatten it
out, concrete it over and build medium density housing over it.
Much nicer.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
TOXIC RECORDS PRESENT
The UNAUTHORISED Collection
(Perhaps) Your favourite artists - recorded LIVE! Published in boring
CD covers with lots of big UNAUTHORISED warnings all over them!
Featuring almost NO recording information! Recorded where? We don't
know! With terrific very small out of focus cover photographs!
WARNING: THESE CD'S MAY NOT BE OF THE SAME SOUND QUALITY AS AN
AUTHORISED RELEASE. ON THE OTHER HAND, THEY MAY BE. IN FACT, IT'S
CONCEIVABLE THAT THEY ARE BETTER. BUT WE'RE JUST WARNING YOU, 'COS WE
HAVE TO, TO GET AROUND THAT LAW, YOU KNOW. SO JUST IN CASE YOU GET
REALLY ANGRY AND WANT YOUR $10 BACK, WE'LL SAY AGAIN THAT THIS CD MAY
BE OF REALLY SHITTY QUALITY. AND YOU MAY ACTUALLY HAVE BOUGHT THIS
SAME RECORDING ON ANOTHER LABEL. BUT YOU WON'T KNOW UNTIL YOU GET IT
HOME BECAUSE WE HAVEN'T TOLD YOU WHERE AND WHEN THIS WAS RECORDED.
WELL, THAT'S ABOUT ENOUGH OF THESE WARNINGS WRITTEN ALL OVER THE CD
COVER IN BIG CAPITAL LETTERS, BUT WE'LL JUST DO ONE MORE RIGHT ACROSS
THE MIDDLE OF THE BACK COVER, IN CASE YOU'RE AS BLIND AS A BAT AND
HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO SPOT IT SO FAR.
N O T A U T H O R I S E D
GEE, COMPARE THESE WARNINGS TO THE ONES THAT CIGARETTE COMPANIES HAVE
TO PUT ON THEIR PACKETS.
WARNING: LUNG CANCER FROM THESE CIGARETTES MAY NOT BE OF THE SAME
FATALITY AS THAT IN AUTHORISED PACKETS.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
AND NOW A WORD ABOUT FREEDOM OF EXPRESSION
With so much hunger and suffering in the world, it's good to know
that whenever you want, you can stand in a crowd of hundreds of
people and shout "FUCKING HELL, I FEEL REALLY FUCKING ANGRY TODAY".
At least, you can if all the other hundreds of people are also
shouting. Otherwise, we recommend against it, for embarrassment
reasons.
But it is a good cure for feeling crowded in.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Back-issues. By ftp. You can get them. If you
want. Email tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for details.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copyright (c) 1993 Daniel Bowen
--
Daniel Bowen, NTC Systems------| Any opinions expressed here were
Telecom Australia, Melbourne---| read off a billboard on the way
dbowen@vcomtelc.telecom.com.au-| home and are not necessarily
TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu| those of Telecom Australia.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"A Knocked-out Toxic Custard"
Dear readers,
I wish to apologise most humbly for the late arrival of the
previous Toxic Custard. This was due to circumstances beyond my
control. But then, what isn't? I do hope that this didn't cause
too much inconvenience. I have noted those of you who showed
concern at the late delivery of TCWF 177, and also those of you
who DIDN'T. Thank you so much for your concern, you selfish
BASTARDS. Don't expect me to come running to you when there's a
hiccup with YOUR mailer. If you think I even care one atomsworth
about your puny existences, then you've got another thing coming.
I wouldn't give a toss if you were hanging upside down by your
semi-dismembered little toe above a vat of boiling pig's fat.
And by the way, a Merry Christmas to all.
_____ __ ____ _ ____ ____
| / \ \ / | | | (____)
| | \ / |___ | / / \
| \__/ \/\/ | _|_ | \____/ 20th December 1993
TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA - VOLUME 11
KANGAROO
Large marsupial that spends its time bouncing around the outback,
leaping over wombats and echidnas, and being hunted by Aborigines
with boomerangs. Does anyone actually believe this Aussie cliche
stuff?
KENNEL
A place where sleeping dogs lie, shelter from rain, and chew on
dubious bones dug up from other people's garden. Toxic Custard
advice of the week is: Never steal anything from a Rottweiler's
kennel. While you may not get caught, you are more likely to leave
fingers than fingerprints behind. And for the gentlemen, this has a
Bollocks Loss Likelihood rating of 93%.
KETTLE
Device designed to heat up water, whistle just too quietly for you
to hear when it's finished, boil dry, explode and burn your house
down.
KEYBOARD
Object which takes the brunt of your frustration with a computer.
This is, oddly, even the case when the physical computer that is
sticking its virtual tongue out at you, is many kilometres, or even
timezones, away.
KHRISTMAS (Well, I had to get it into this week's, didn't I?!)
Christmas is a wonderful time of year. Just a shame the Christians
seem to be trying to take control of it. The last thing you want to
be reminded of around Christmas is religion.
No, Christmas is a time for retailing. All the department
stores put their special Christmas ads on the telly, showing happy,
glowing families wandering around, paying happy, smiling shop
assistants for cheerful presents. What a complete lie. Has anyone
ever seen a shop that empty at Christmas? Or got service that fast?
KILL
It must be a result of the inherent violence of humans that in the
Thesaurus, there are over 200 words for 'kill', but only 23 for
'resin'.
KILN
The only thing in the art room you weren't allowed to touch in
primary school.
KIOSK
Small roofed stall that sells overpriced refreshments that nobody
really wants to eat, but are trapped in the confines of an arena,
stadium, etc. "No sorry mate, ain't got any pies. 'Ere, how about a
mouldy sausage roll? Only three months expired. Or these hot chips.
Well, they used to be hot. We've got the soggy or rock hard
varieties. No? Melted ice-cream? Aww okay, a floppy hotdog and a
flat Coke it is then."
KIPPER
A male salmon during the spawning season after spawning. I still
wonder why Jewish boys wear kippers on their heads. It must get
very smelly during the summer. Perhaps they should turn to cod.
KITCHEN
The kitchen has been statistically proven to be the room of a house
that a man is least likely to die in. Because he's never in there.
The laundry came a close second. So there you go guys - to
statistically cheat death(*), just spend all your time in either
the laundry or the kitchen. If you can find them.
(*) A fairly stupid idea
KLU KLUX KLAN
People without a Klu. See Wanker.
KNACK
That indefinable balance between fluke and skill.
KNEE-JERK REACTION
A controlled upwards movement of a knee into the groinal area of a
jerk. Very fun, excepting when one is on the receiving of the said
upwards movement.
KNOB
Erm... protruding object designed for easy grip to umm... See
Innuendo
KOALA
Small furry Australian marsupial. Don't believe what you see on the
telly, these are vicious little bastards. They'll quite happily
claw you to death then piss all over you if you don't give them a
Eucalyptus leaf to eat.
KRISHNA
The Hare Krishnas now have a security van service operating for the
delivery of money and other material objects. Guards prevent
robberies using chanting and gongs. For details, contact: Ramaguard.
KYLIE
I discovered today that "kylie" is actually Aboriginal for a
boomerang. Which explains how Kylie Minogue's career keeps bouncing
back, despite a lack of talent.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you're the type of gullible twat who would
enjoy filling up your disk with a couple of
hundred(*) TCWF back-issues, then request details
of how to get them by ftp. Send mail to
tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for details.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copyright (c) 1993 Daniel Bowen
--
Daniel Bowen, NTC Systems------| Any opinions expressed here were
Telecom Australia, Melbourne---| dreamt up by my own pathetic little
dbowen@vcomtelc.telecom.com.au-| mind and are not necessarily
TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu| those of Telecom Australia.
(*) Almost.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Elevated Toxic Custard"
.... TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA - VOLUME 12
. ....
. .. LANGUAGE
2 | . Thing what we all connumicate by. There are many
7 ------+ . languages in the world, and many variations within
| . each. And then there is "good" language and "bad"
D . language. If anyone tells you to stop your bad
e +-----+ . language, just be sure to instruct them to go fuck
c | | . themselves.
| | .
1 . LATITUDE/LONGTITUDE
9 +----- . One of them means how far north or south; the other
9 | . means how far east or west. But I'm buggered if I
3 +--- .. can remember which is which.
| .
|----- . LAUGH
B . To emit explosive inarticulate sounds of the voice.
y ---+--+ . So now you know. Personally, I try to ensure my
| | . inarticulate sounds never explode as they leave my
D | | . mouth, otherwise they might catch fire to
a . something.
n ------- ..
i . LAUNDRETTE
e | . Where socks make their escape from your possession.
l | . In any pair of socks, one will volunteer to stay
------+ . behind to detract attention from the other one
B . escaping. The remaining sock will remain in your
o . +--+ . possession in the vain hope that the other one will
w | | | . reappear one day. Which is about as likely as a
e | | | . sunny Boxing Day.
n +--+--+ .
. LEAF
. That part of the tree that makes it look green
. . during summer, turns brown during autumn, falls off
.. .. the tree during winter, and blocks your drain
... causing your house to flood during spring.
LEPROSY
Thoroughly nasty little disease. Never caught by the better people,
of course. Leprosy, like many diseases, is now known to be
contagious only to those of a lesser income. Social status is the
best protection against most diseases.
"Now look here my good man, you can't possibly infect me, I'm
head of the sitting commitee on Ant Herds!"
LIFT
Device designed primarily to unnerve you by pretending to be
slightly defective whilst transporting you up and down buildings.
This can be done by a number of methods, including taking what
seems like minutes to decide whether to open the doors or not,
displaying the wrong floor number, jamming people's arms in the
doors, and spreading rumours of the occasional 8 floor free-fall.
LITTLE SISTER
Noisy person who generally annoys you. But take heart: One day,
she and you will move away, and you'll only have to put up with her
at Christmas.
LIVE
In televisual terms, "live" has a very flexible meaning. When the
epitaph "live" is used, it can either mean:
(a) this is happening right this instant
(b) this happened about 7 seconds ago, and we were worried about
the performers saying "oh fuckin' marvellous, yeah! I feel
fuckin' great!"
or (c) this happened sometime during the last 60 years, but between
when it did happen and now, we didn't edit the tape, honest.
No overdubbing or miming either, unless it was a Kylie Minogue
concert.
Since (b), let alone (a) rarely happen, one day a television
consumers' group will take a court action, and the word will,
within television, fall into disuse.
LOGARITHM
Another one of those things you learn about in high school which,
unless you take up engineering, your mind has disposed of by the
time you reach 21. [See Integration, LogLog]
LOGLOG
Logarithm of a logarithm. The type of thing that your mind disposes
of just after the exam in which you needed to know it. [See
Logarithm, Cobol]
LO-FI
What many people achieve in their stereo system while aspiring to
reach hi-fi. It doesn't bother people very much, because fidelity
is very difficult to measure in the field of sound reproduction.(*)
Most people actually reach that stage loosely defined as medium-fi
without too much trouble. A bit like reaching Distinction level at
University, and being just *that* close from reaching High
Distinction. But then, only nerds work that hard anyway. It's
nothing to be ashamed about. I actually only ever got one HD at
University. And that was just by accident. Anyway, it was a
computer course; HD meant Hard Disk.
(*) Unlike in marriage, where seventy years without so much as
a glance at someone else is definitely high-fidelity. I'll
leave the definition of low-fidelity up to you.
LUST
One of those words commonly found with the words "naked", "sex",
"scandal" and "throbbing" in the gossip pages of lesser journals.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
So you just found your advent calendar, which you gave up on midway
through December? Isn't it funny how you still search around on the
thing to ensure that you open all the little doors in order? Some day
an advent calendar maker will decide to play a game with people's
minds, and completely skip the 16th.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Back-issues! You got 'em, we want 'em! Oops, I
mean: Back-issues! We want 'em, you got 'em! Damn.
How about: Ack-bissues! Ye wot 'em, wou gant 'em!
Oh stuff it, you know what I mean. Available by
tfp. I mean ptf... tpf... ptf... Thingo. Yes,
whatsernames available by thingo. For details,
just send stuff to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copyright (c) 1993 Daniel Bowen
--
Daniel Bowen, NTC Systems------| <Insert standard disclaimer here to
Telecom Australia, Melbourne---| prevent the company I work for being
dbowen@vcomtelc.telecom.com.au-| blamed for my pathetic dribblings>
TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu| "The opinions expressed here blah blah"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Moxic Mustard Morkshop Miles"
T O X I C C U S__T A__R D Monday, 3rd January 1994
| |__| | | W by Daniel Bowen
| |__| |__|
S E L I F P O H S K R O
TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA - VOLUME 13
MACADAMIA
I'd like to call upon the readers of TCWF to support the Freedom
For Macadamia campaign.
MADNESS
A condition that can drive people to buy albums by a Minogue in the
mistaken belief that they contain any display of talent.
MALAYSIA
Shhh! Nobody say "recalcitrant"! Seriously though, we shouldn't
insult the Malaysians. Yes, I know it's very easy to do. But we
shouldn't. Because we should be respectful, we should be
honourable, we should be gracious at all times, and because they're
bigger than us and we would be in very deep shit if they decided to
invade.
MALOUF, DAVID (1934-)
Australian novelist, academic, and someone who my father bores me
shitless by talking about all the time. "You've got cold you say?
Well you know, Malouf said that influenza is like a bond between
man and the unquestionable questions of existence..." What
bollocks. [See Meaning]
MAN
o
/|\
/ \
MANIAC
There are many people in our everyday society who, had they been
born a few hundred years ago in an area with a feudal system of
administration, would have fulfilled their inner wishes to be
Genghis Kahn. You know the type of people - the ones who we instead
see pushing vainly forward on the locked entrance doors to the
station platform even though the train's not there. "Fuck it! Let
me through - I'll walk to Sydney. It's only fuckin' 600 miles!"
MARINA
One of those places where lots of people in boats sail around, and
little kids hang their fishing rods over the edge in the belief
that they're going to catch a whopper which will feed their family
that night. And where you can walk to the end of the pier and buy a
Coke for $3.
MARK, MARKY
I don't know what it is about these people who not only have first
and surnames starting with the same letters, but also have the
nerve to get famous with those names. I guess their parents were
all alliteration enthusiasts. The thing about people who are famous
is, their names always *sound* famous too. Because they are.
I'm now uncertain where this train of thought is heading. In
fact, I think I'd be correct in saying that this train of thought
seems to have come off the rails, is hurtling over a cliff and will
shortly explode into flames. We apologise for any inconvenience.
MATADOR
Spaniard who kills bulls. Somewhere, probably in Bull Heaven,
there's a place where Spaniards get mercilessly taunted, then
knifed by a bull to the cheering of hundreds of other bulls.
MATHS
And now for a quick mathematics lesson. Firstly, back to the
basics. If you have five Peter Andre CDs, and you smash two against
the wall, burn another, stomp on one, and frisbee one more out of
the window, how many do you have left? None. Which is absolutely
the correct number to have.
MEGABOGUE (1987-)
Megabogue's music has been described as "anal sadistic", "creative
lionism", and "a load of shit" by various critics of differing
intellectual standards over the years. The crux of their music is a
complete lack of talent or effort put into their recordings. This
lack of any concern or care in their work has brought many
classically bad and unpopular works into the public eye, and
generally straight out of the public mouth and into the nearest
bucket. They have not been so much thrust into the limelight as
vomited into the taupelight.
To this criticism, the members of Megabogue would probably
argue their case thus: "Fuck off!"
MEMOIR
A book written by someone who has fallen out of the limelight and
is struggling to get back in. Generally hardback and costs at least
$25. Generally a work of fiction by the author, claiming how great
he/she was/is. The best memoirs are written sufficiently late that
there's no-one else still alive to refute what the author says.
MEANING
When you say you're going to rip both my testicles from my groin
and stuff them down my throat... what do you really mean by the
word "groin"?
MIDDLE
The section before the end, and after the beginning. The middle can
be defined as that dull bit when you've just got used to something,
and you're unaware that its going to end soonish.
MOUSE
Computer input device, named by some scientists at Xerox when they
were pissed out of their brains. They also labelled the computer's
display screen a Vole, but were less successful in spreading of
this term.
MOUNTAIN
Something which men seem to delight in being able to climb just so
they can stick little flags in it at the top to show that they've
climbed it, and can then apply for Fame from the Warhol Institute
For Handing Out Fame. Generally a waste of time. And I can prove
it. Name five mountaineers.
See?
MUSIC
A terribly, terribly subjective thing. [Don't see Megabogue]
Classicists argue that the best music moves transparently into your
brain, and makes you fall asleep without even realising it(*).
Which is why any piece of music whose title even mentions the words
"Symphony" or "Canon" sends people to sleep.
(*) Generally they only realise it when they discover
themselves walking down the street naked, or inexplicably jumping
from a cliff into an alligator's mouth.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
TOXIC CUSTARD GOES TO SYDNEY
The first thing you notice about Sydney is how all the tourist
attractions are within about a ten minute walk of one another. And
that with a bit of careful aiming, you can get them all into one
photo.
The Sydney Opera House looks from a distance like giant sails
against the sky, but up close it looks even more impressive. Makes
you wonder why they went to that amount of trouble just for opera. I
hope they use it for something more sensible sometimes.
The Harbour Bridge is pretty neat too. It's so neat you can use
up a whole roll of film just trying to photograph it from all the
different angles, and making sure that you get the whole of it in the
picture. In fact it's so big that they've managed to squeeze a whole
museum into one of the pylon thingies. Wherein you can enjoy a quite
interesting documentary about how the bridge was built, followed by a
very boring and over-detailed documentary about how the new Harbour
Tunnel was built. *Yawn*. Sorry guys, the Harbour Tunnel is *not* an
attraction. For Chrissake, you can't even see it!
The Rocks area is so crawling with tourists that you can walk
around and try and see how many people's home movies you can get into
in ten minutes. You can spend the same amount of time searching for a
simple kiosk that will sell you a simple drink, before giving up and
moving on to Circular Quay.
At Circular Quay, you can try to figure out the ticket machines,
then take a ride on a ferry to Darling Harbour, which was built to...
ummm... actually, I'm not sure, but I'm sure its better than whatever
it replaced. There you can take a ride on a monorail, which mostly
involves dredging up $2.50 of change from your pocket to put into a
machine, only to get back another (special) coin, which you when have
to put straight into another machine. I think I'm missing something.
But the best thing about Sydney for me was seeing that Kings
Cross really is a dump, even in daytime. A fine rival for Fitzroy
Street here in Melbourne. I still can't figure out why both of them
are tourist attractions.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So, you've missed out on the last four years of Toxic
Custard, and you're gullible enough to want to know
what you missed? Then email tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu and
ask about TCWF back-issues. Please note that the
previous entries for the Custarpedia are NOT yet
available, but will be archived into one big file in
a few weeks. (Probably when we get to Z!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copyright (c) 1994 Daniel Bowen
--
Daniel Bowen, NTC Systems------| Telecom Australia is not responsible for the
Telecom Australia, Melbourne---| opinions expressed here by me, nor for any
dbowen@vcomtelc.telecom.com.au-| other opinions that I might express from
TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu| time to time. Just try not to worry about it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
the Toxic Custard Workshop Files by Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia
Copyright (c) 1993, 1994 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed
without profit provided this notice remains intact.
For subscription information, contact tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
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