243 lines
7.7 KiB
Plaintext
243 lines
7.7 KiB
Plaintext
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Underground eXperts United
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Presents...
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[ Are You A Closet Intellectual? ] [ By Gene-Michael Higney ]
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____________________________________________________________________
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____________________________________________________________________
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Are You A Closet Intellectual?
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(Take the quiz and see.)
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by
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Gene-Michael Higney
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Along with having your own personal look, it's now cool to be considered
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smart. Notice I said to be considered smart. It's convenient that one does
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not need to actually BE smart to be CONSIDERED smart. We have proven this
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during a decade in which the media celebrated numerous writers who could
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not write, actors who could not act, and presidents who could not pres.
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I remember when being intellectual was very OUT. In the sixties, thinking
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people were considered by many as the cause of everything from political
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unrest and campus demonstrations, to bad breath in dogs.
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NOW at least, people with brains are acknowledged by our community as
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having at LEAST as much to offer as, say, fibrous cereals, souvenirs of the
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Berlin Wall, and novelty shower heads.
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But the timing for us to realize this could not have been worse. Now that
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intelligence is more respectable, it is eerie how many glitzy but barely
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literate public figures, (whose entire philosophies of life can readily be
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summed up on bumper stickers - which is frequently where they get them) are
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hogging the spotlight on talk shows, spewing what pass for profundities,
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while the REAL intellectuals have been embarrassed into veritable exile (to
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Utah or even FARTHER). They are forced into hiding and becoming "closet
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cases," afraid to reveal themselves.
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In the past years, while these poor ignored smarties sat aching in
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libraries all over the country, dying to check out the latest CONGRESSIONAL
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REPORT or NEW YORKER, but forcing themselves to be content with PEOPLE
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magazine and the Collins Sisters, the country sat back and was ruled by
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individuals who by no stretch of the imagination could be accused of
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intellect.
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So the "effete snobs" as they were called by one who shall go deservedly
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nameless here, retreated to the catacombs of our culture to lick their
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wounds and ponder the meanings of words which had begun to pollute the
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media waves; misbegotten aberrations such as: "misspoke",
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"counterproductive", and "normalization". And though being smart is now in,
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we still may not be so lucky as to coax our thinkers out of their closets
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again. Why?
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Because out from the ranks of politicians and their molls, and rock and
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wrestling personalities, have crept, just like the pod-people in the movie,
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ersatz "intellectuals".
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We wisely gun shy intellectuals are slow to reveal ourselves (notice how I
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cleverly slipped myself in there? Nothing you can do about it now, I'm
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writing this), debating on whether we even WANT public approval if it lumps
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us into the same brood as Ms Sally Mindpartch, for example, the newest game
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show hostess whose provocative book (and accompanying video) "AEROBI-CIZE
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FOR WORLD HUNGER" topped the B S charts (that's Best Seller charts, in case
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I gave you a momentary scare).
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A lot of mental lightweights are into being "heavy" these days. Merely
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entertaining people is no longer as rewarding to them as is spouting forth
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on the Okra Whinney Show eighty-three different private explanations for
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crime, death, divorce, aging, and the heartbreak of Persian Dualism.
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Worse, the founts of these opinions are often actresses (?) recently
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endowed with television pilots, on the basis of which they are treated as
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authorities on Freud, Jung and the socio-economic and psycho-political
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infrastructure of the colonies of the Marabuntu Ant.
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OR, if not actresses, then they will be housewives recently liberated by
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becoming authors of books ABOUT housewives recently liberated and now
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authors of books.
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OR, they will be fashion models (turned actresses) whose hair-do's stay up
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via bicycle pump and whose teeth have more caps than the graduating class
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at Harvard. These will farkle on about the wonders of est and psychology
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while still laboring under the impression that a Gestalt is a foreign car.
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OR, there will be Mr Gore Vidal. Mr Vidal is a very bright man with a
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penchant for appearing on certain "chat shows" and being among the few
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guests to make sense. No one has been able to figure out exactly HOW he
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gets away with making sense visit after visit unless it was simply that the
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average viewer did not KNOW that it was sense.
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So, how do we tell the difference between the real intellectuals and the
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pseudo's?
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I have devised a little quiz whereby you can rate yourself by testing your
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knowledge and general consciousness. If you've just this second decided to
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look for the answers you think are printed tiny and upside down at the end
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of the quiz, forget it; I caught you fair and square, you may as well turn
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on the TV, you're missing a Three's Company re-run.
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HIGNEY'S INTELLIGENCE QUIZ for UNCOVERING
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PSEUDO-INTELLECTUALS
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(H.I.Q.U.P.)
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1) I FAITHFULLY take any quiz in every magazine in my dentist's office and
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adjust my life accordingly.
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a. TRUE
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b. ONLY THE ONES ABOUT SEX
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c. I NEED MORE TIME TO THINK
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2) Ontogeny truly DOES recapitulate phylogeny.
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a. OH, ABSOLUTELY
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b. MUCH LESS THAN ONE MIGHT IMAGINE
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c. WHAT??
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3) William F. Buckley is
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a. SPIDERMAN'S SECRET IDENTITY
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b. GORE VIDAL'S EX
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c. GOD'S VALET
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4) Gore Vidal is
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a. AN ARTICULATE, URBANE AUTHOR/THINKER
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b. A SMART-ASS PANSY WRITER
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c. RESPONSIBLE FOR SASSOON'ING
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5) George Bush is
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a. ON PAROLE
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b. A BEER MERCHANT
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c. RONALD REAGAN'S GREATEST ROLE
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6) YALE is
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a. A SCHOOL
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b. A LOCK
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c. A SOUTHERNER TELLING YOU TO TALK LOUDER
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7) Norman Mailer is
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a. THE SMART MAN'S ERNEST HEMINGWAY
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b. GORE VIDAL'S EX
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c. THE REAL MAN'S TRUMAN CAPOTE
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d. THE POSTMASTER GENERAL
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8) A good representative of the Women's Movement Today is:
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a. PAMELA LEE ANDERSON
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b. IMELDA MARCOS
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c. LIZZIE BORDEN
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9) "A WOMAN'S PLACE IS IN THE "
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a. HOME
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b. BEDROOM
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c. MEN'S LOCKER ROOMS
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10) HUMAN RIGHTS ARE
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a. THE OPPOSITE OF HUMAN LEFTS
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b. VOID WHERE PROHIBITED BY LAW
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If you refused to take the above test because it was silly, you passed,
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with Honors.
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If you took it and scored less than 100, you failed, but they will want you
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for the talk show circuit anyway.
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If you took the test and scored HIGHER than 100, you passed, but you
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cheated.
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If you are Gore Vidal, you passed, but you will not care.
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If you or the person with whom you live smokes a Meerschaum pipe, you are
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either a fictional character by Arthur Conan Doyle, or a closet
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intellectual who has yet to come out.
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If you are an intellectual who has not yet been on a talk show, thereby
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never having come out... good.
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Don't.
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---------------------------------------------------------------------------
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uXu #515 Underground eXperts United 1999 uXu #515
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ftp://ftp.lysator.liu.se/pub/texts/uxu/
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