525 lines
23 KiB
Plaintext
525 lines
23 KiB
Plaintext
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Heed my words, oh miniscule and pulchritudinous ones. Hear and heed, you
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who do not fellatiate, and you who know not the meaning of the great and
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high remex. The end is near. You must heed and follow the things I will
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speak unto you, the words of the great gods, the god of the windowshade,
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the god of the distributor cap, the god of the blue bikini underwear and
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most importantly the god of the dead japanese beetle somewhere on the
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campus of rutgers university. By heeding these words, you will improve
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the gas mileage of your car, enter into a new age of harmony, peace,
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happiness, and belgian waffles. Bring things home each day and not pay
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for them until next september, and make sure that your live is sanctioned
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and guarded by the great race of aliens which will land any day now in
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Starkville Mississippi and revolutionise the way you wash dishes. Be sure
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to not be left out when all human males become obsolete as females flock
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to the alien males and their new, improved, user-friendly genitalia mark
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five systems! You must make your genitalia blue, anointing it with
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indigo. Anoint also your ears, your nose, the back of your neck, and the
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fourth toe of each foot, the most holy of all toes.
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I speak to you of the coming of the greater race. You shall know them by
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their stature, by their countenance, by their language, unlike any that
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man has ever heard, and by their sexual prowess. Behold, they shall land
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in a small town, Starkille, and shall walk the earth among the children,
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and you shall not know them. Many will say in those days, "The gods are
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walking the earth, the gods are walking the earth," but they shall be
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scoffed upon and spit upon and fucked hard by prostitutes in cheap motels
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then bankrupted by the media. But you will pay them no attention and
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merely stop sending your donations. But then, the greater race will
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reveal themselves in all their glory for all mankind to see. The truth
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will be known, and the truth will be that mankind has not paid their lease
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and is being evicted, a new race takes over the planet, please move the
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furniture out and clean the carpeting before you leave. Behold a wonder:
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your children and their children shall mate, producing a better race yet,
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but you, the unbelievers, shall be sentenced to 40 time units of wandering
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in the outer dust clouds of the andromeda sector aboard a tiny spaceship
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called the minnow.
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So, lo, woe, yo, repent while you still are young on an archaelogic scale.
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The world must be saved by the horrors that are low-density disks, AM
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radio, and non-FOX television. You must learn to live without processed
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spinach products, to wean your children on their father's milk,. and to
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accept that power strips and LSD are things of the past. Synthesise your
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offspring carefully so that when the time of the great choosing comes,
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your sons and daughters may be chosen by the greater race to participate
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in furthering their race, in the strange ritual of the cosmic fuck, the
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antithesis of the hells of knowledge, riches, and power, the fulfillment
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of the postmodern dream of red lights, t-squares, and paint blotches.
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Prepare yourselves for the day of the final inkblot judgement, wherein all
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shall be tested for blot and blood type. In that day, some will say,
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"verily, it is an aston-martin, in O positive." To those, the coming one
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will say, "farewell, you were never a phlebotomist, just a prick, depart
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from here into an eternity of dimness and cheap paperback novels and
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genuine IBM computers." But in that fateful day, some will say, "truly,
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it is two schnauzers chasing a naked woman, in AB negative." To those,
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the coming one will say, "come, join me at the cosmic sock hop, you are
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one of my own, you will live an eternity of free drinks and beautiful
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tragically hip waifs."
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For I have been spoken these things by the angels of light, hermetic
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seals, and the small purple man painted on my wall, who read them from the
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great platinum plates upon which they were inscribed from the supernatural
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force of the great god of the cunny, who swallows all things for the
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better of his followers. I have seen the light, I have been enlightened,
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I speak the truth to you, heed it and save your lives and those of your
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fellow neighbour's wife and your neighbour's ass, or do not hear my words,
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and turn a deaf ear to them, and forever suffer in this meaningless
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existance. The gods have spoken, I have written, and the pen, having
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writ, runs out of ink, on this, the next to the last of the last days...
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1-The Book of Shag-0
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2*****End quoted text*****0
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4What??0 You mean it doesn't make any sense to 3you0 either?
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1Yours truly and sign it,
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5Nick 6Danger0
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Nick Danger #174 @3456
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Mon Dec 17 23:02:22 1990
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More slack lifted from Usenet, the network of 5champions!0 This
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time, a few words about those dreaded harbingers of the 5Xists0, the Men in
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Black (MIB):
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*****1Begin quoted text*****0
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From: pashdown@javelin.es.com (Pete Ashdown)
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Newsgroups: alt.slack
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Subject: Re: men in black
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Date: 11 Dec 90 23:45:14 GMT
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Organization: Evans & Sutherland Computer Corp., Salt Lake City, Utah
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Lines: 62
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00kepulver@bsu-ucs.uucp writes in sci.sceptic:
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>here's what i got in my memory, its not much but i don't have any of my books
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>with me, sorry.
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> the men in black are supposed to be a super seccret organization that
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>are trying to silence ufo investigators and contactees. they wear all black
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>suits, drive big old gas guzzling cars (chevy's and lincons (sic) usually) and
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>travel in ones, twos and threes, they talk either very formally or like a bad
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>ganster movie, some have been dumbfounded by ordinary devices like pens and
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>silverware, and they usually claim to be from the government.
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1the men in black all smile. they have pipes and love a good sale.
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1if you corner one, he will most likely give you a pamphlet.
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> the first mib encounter supposedly happened in texas in 1897. some
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>pottery fell from the sky and an oriental looking man dressed in black bought
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>up all the fragments.
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1what was even more odd is that he was driving a lincon continental in
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11897.
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>more recently they contacted a man named bender in the
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>fifties and told him to stop his investigations. they even ahd a letter that
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>he had sent to a friend describing his theories about the reasons why ufos are
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>here.
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1plus a weird book and a hearty appetite for sex and something called
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1"frap" or "frup". i cant rembher.
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> the main reason mib's appear is to stop ufo research. they always seem
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>to appear to people who have gotten close to the "real" reason why the ufos are
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>here and take these people's evidence.
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1the ufos also like to take money and slack and grils.
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> a good book your friend may want to read is _the philadelphia
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>expirement and other ufo conspriacies_, it may be hard to find, i got my copy
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>from a new age bookstore, there is also an article about mibs in
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>the journal of american folklore, but im not sure on the date, i can look it up
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>and email or post it if you are interested. also, the time life book about
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>ufos has a one page article about mib, and aricel comics has a great three
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>issue limited series about them, but that wouldn't be very good for research.
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1your friend should also brush up on his sales teckniches.
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> need any more information go ahead and email me and ill send along what
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>i can.
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1Sir,
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1If you do not stop publishing information about the Men-In-Black(tm),
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1we will have to resort to further Thought-Control(tm) techniques.
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1Your friend,
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1Man-In-Black(tm)
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--
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1"While you are here, your wives and girlfriends are dating handsome American
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1 movie and TV stars. Stars like Tom Selleck, Bruce Willis, and Bart Simpson."
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1-- Baghdad Betty
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1 Pete Ashdown pashdown%javelin@dsd.es.com ...dsd.es.com!javelin!pashdown
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2*****End quoted text*****0
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1Yours truly and sign it,0
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5Nick 6Danger
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Nick Danger #174 @3456
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Mon Dec 17 23:03:14 1990
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Some 3musical0 slack from Usenet, the network of 1champions0. And
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wierdos.
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2*****Begin quoted text*****0
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From: klm@gozer.UUCP (Kevin L. McBride)
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Newsgroups: alt.slack
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Subject: A Song
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Date: 11 Dec 90 17:46:44 GMT
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Organization: MSCG, Inc.
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Lines: 40
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The following is an anonymous posting from a friend of mine who USED to
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work at Wang. I agreed to post this for him to protect the guilty, etc.
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Begin anonymous posting
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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2(To the tune of "It's a small world after all")0
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There is no slack when you work at Wang
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They are really pink unlike Reverend Stang
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I don't know what I'll do if I start turning too
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It's a pink world after all.
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2(Chorus)0
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It's a pink world after all
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It's a pink world after all
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It's a pink world after all
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It's a pink pink pink pink world.
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(The CON has a really fierce grip on WANG! The STARK Fist of removal
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has been slapped on the wrist one time too many. All of the native
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elements of slack are bleeding away one by one. But as they bleed
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away they erode the foundations of the CON based towers. Soon the
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towers will crumble into a heap of pink sand.)
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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End anonymous posting
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[ed. with apologies to those wonderful guys at Wang who supply me
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with my news feed. It costs me a small fortune in pink filters
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each year. Seriously, there are 2 cool people at Wang. One of
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whom runs the mail and news system.]
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--
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Kevin L. McBride |Contract programming (on and offsite) |Brewmeister and
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President |X, Motif, TCP/IP, UNIX, VAX/VMS, |Bottle Washer
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MSCG, Inc. |Integration issues, Troubleshooting. |McBeer Brewery
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uunet!wang!gozer!klm |Reseller of ISC UNIX and Telebit Modems.|Nashua, NH
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2*****End quoted text*****0
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Well....what can ya expect from a company named "Wang"?
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1Yours truly and sign it,0
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5Nick6 DangerNick Danger #174 @3456
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Mon Dec 17 23:04:15 1990
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From Usenet, the network of 4champions0 and Yetis, comes this
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remarkable insight into the early film career of J.R. "Bob" Dobbs:
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2*****Begin quoted text*****0
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From: lancer@hongkong.WPI.EDU (Stephen Lewis Foskett)
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Newsgroups: alt.slack
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Subject: "Bob" sings and dances...
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Date: 13 Dec 90 15:34:40 GMT
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Organization: Worcester Polytechnic Institute, Worcester, MA 01609-2280
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Lines: 32
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Yes...It's true...
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In the movie "5White 6Christmas0" by Irving Berlin...
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You see, Danny Kay (I think) plays a former salesman in the early 50s named
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"Bob" who wanders around with Bing Crosby and two young ladies...
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Danny looks an awful lot like "Bob" in the film and even smokes a pipe
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in one scene!
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Truly this is Christmas slack at it's best...
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See "Bob" dress up as a woman! See "Bob" sing and dance! See "Bob" suck face
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with some blonde! Hear "Bob" sing "Gee, I wish I was back in the army!"
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Watch as "Bob" is totally confounded by the female sex!
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The only downside is that when he dresses as a woman, he wears pink...
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--
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"Only the meaning, never the message, matters at all."
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4_____________________0___________________________________________
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4| ___ |0 |
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4| / ___ \ |0 "And all God's angels beware |
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4| / P ] \ |0 And all you judges beware |
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4| J _P 1_ L |0 Sons of chance, take good care |
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4| | [_ ] | |0 For all the people out there |
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4| | I I | |0 I'm not afraid anymore" |
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4| 7 _I I P |0 -Ian Curtis |
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4| \ [___d / |0------------------------------------------|
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4| \ / |0Stephe Foskett WPI Box 2289 100 Institute|
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4| ~~~ |0Worcester MA 01601 \8-} lancer@wpi.wpi.edu|
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4~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~0~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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2*****End quoted text*****0
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1Yours truly and sign it,
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5Nick 6Danger
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Nick Danger #174 @3456
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Mon Dec 17 23:05:34 1990
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From Usenet, some meditations on the coming of the 5Xists0:
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2*****Begin quoted text*****0
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From: klm@gozer.UUCP (Krazy Little-endian MoFo)
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Newsgroups: alt.slack
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Subject: The Sun Sets On My Bleeding Head
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Keywords: Blarfyldygook, zipfnogok, arkznadungkfl
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Date: 16 Dec 90 23:13:36 GMT
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Organization: Clench of the Pin-shaped Head of Benny
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Lines: 34
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Let us not speak of Ferraris and Audis and other pacifiers of the
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CON generation. Those adult playthings that are sucked upon to
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please the Andrew Jacksonheads in our pockets. Pablumstyles of
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the Rich and would-be-famous.
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Let us speak instead of the Xists Giant Terrarium, that ozone depleted
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chunk of rock we call the Earth. It is now nearly 2000 years since
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a guy was nailed to a tree for saying how nice it would be if we would
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all give each other some slack.
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Things are even weirder now than they were then and this is the first
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run-on sentence of the third paragraph and if you don't like it, well
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kill me, and I'll just keep right on talking, er, typing, er having
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telepathy with this silicon life form because I just had a Margarita
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on a Sunday afternoon after decorating the house because the CON says
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I should and I don't want to blow my cover just yet because great things
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are in store for the following solar year that the CON says is 1991 but
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really isn't because they've brainwashed us all and changed the calendar
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on us and decided not to tell the really stupid people because they might
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panic and then the CON would have a whole pile of excrement on their
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collective appendages and the Sunday afternoon Sun coming through my
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office window is setting on my would-be-bleeding head and Frosty the
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Snowman is on the root window of my Xist Window screen and I'm feeling
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a little...
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Oh wow. There's a cloud outside my window that looks like a flying
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Saucer.
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4Theeey're Heeeeere.0
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--
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Krazy Little-endian MoFo
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Clench of the Pin-shaped Head of Benny
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uunet!wang!gozer!klm
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2*****End quoted text*****0
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1Yours truly and sign it,0
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5Nick 6DangerNick Danger #182 @3462
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Fri Nov 30 23:46:24 1990
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Hiya, kids! Here's the first of a great 5gob0 of slack lifted from the
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alt.slack newsgroup in Usenet, The Network of Champions! Kowabunga!
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1==================Stolen text starts here=====================================
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Subject: THANKS TO REPLIES FOROhmygodOhmygodOhmygodOhmygodOhmygodOhmygo
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Date: 20 Nov 90 05:13:38 GMT
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Sender: news@daffy.cs.wisc.edu (The News)
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Organization: Spawning Cow! Productions
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THANKS SLACKY PEOPLE!
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My postings seem to be staying up again. Maybe the lab realized my slackness
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and decided not to mess with me, eh? Perhaps it was "BoB" intervention...
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Well, as of now things are in the range of semi-okay with posting, but if my
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posts don't last, I now have a "support group" of slackypeople who will post
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for me. Aren't us computer geeks a great big family!!!
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Also, a little contribution to alt.slack:
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"Slack as a prefix" Dictionary:
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Slackola (n) Bye, slack
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Slacky (adj) slack
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To slack (v) slack
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Slackness (adv?) slack
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Slackly (adj) slack
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Slacky-Slack-Slack (n,adj,v,adv,prep,article...) REALLY SLACK!!
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Slacking (v) slack
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Slackment (n) slack
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Slackmented (n) slack, past tense
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Slackmentfull (n) full of ment slack???
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Slackmentfulled (v) Yeah, right. Just slack
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Slackous (adv) of slack
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Sa-LACK! (n) Hick excited slack
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Slack (n) If you don't know what it means, stop everything now.
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Just
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plain die.
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There ya go, sorry if it's not in alphabetic and all, and that the (n), (adj)
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etc.. are probably not right, but this is just a first draft. Remember:
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Slack ain't your enemy, but it sure as hell ain't your friend.
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Praise Frith-rah and Slackola,
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Dave
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--
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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-
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-/liNick Danger #182 @3462
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Fri Nov 30 23:57:50 1990
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(This post lifted from Usenet)
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2***Begin quoted text***0
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Brothers and sisters, again I feel compelled to update you on the
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single greatest source of slack known to mankind:
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4Bob Tilton.0
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Yes, your favorite TV evangelist is still out there and GOING STRONG!
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Ever since I called the Robert Tilton Ministries at (214) 620-6200 and
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asked for my "free book", I have been mailed, free of charge:
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The aforementioned book, _God's Miracle Plan for Man_ (5$$$0 --> salvation)
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Three "miracle" prayer cloths
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A package of miracle anointing oil
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The Jordan River Holy Anointing Water flask
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5 large posters of Bob
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The "Miracle Ropes of Deliverance" to "Bind Demons" (see p.128, #15, the BOOK)
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Several copies of their magazines and newspapers
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Many, many, many "convincing" Biblical arguments for why I should send $$$$
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...and lots more!
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4Bob Tilton is a SubGenius.0
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Here are a few reasons why:
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1) He rips off pinks for a living
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2) He rants like a mother fucker ("Satan I BIND THEE! Demons of
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tobacco smoking I BIND THEE! Demons of lymph node cancer I BIND
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THEE!") In fact, in his latest rant, just today he said: "I'm a Pink
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Duck, I'm not a white duck! They don't know what to do with me!
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Everyone else is a white duck, they just waddle around...I'm drunk
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with the holy spirit today...I'm a Pink Duck..."
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3) He signs everything "Bob", (no quotes, but close enough!)
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4) Where does he live? Dallas, TX? Hmmm...
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5) The latest copy of his newspaper had a drawing on the cover that
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looked almost exactly like the cover of "Three-Fisted Tales", except
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it was Tilton's face instead of J.R.'s. The article is entitled,
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"Take Your Foot Off the Brake"...sound familiar?
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If you want to fall over laughing every couple of days when you read
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your mail, call (214) 620-6200 and ask them to "send you information."
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You'll be on their mailing list for months. Don't give them your
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phone number, though. Do it, or kill me.
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I usually have too much slack to even care about posting, but
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something about this article in the latest issue of "Circle of
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Blessing", written by Tilton's wife made me do it:
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"You wives must submit to your husbands' leadership in the same way
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you submit to the Lord. For a husband is in charge of his wife in the
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same way Christ is in charge of his Body the Church...So you wives
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must willingly obey your husbands in everything, just as the Church
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obeys Christ." -Marte Tilton
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God I love fundamentalists. Praise "Bob" (& Bob!)
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-St. Mog the Unholy
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---------------------------------------------------------------------
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"`Brakes' are all that keep us from committing ANYTHING WE MIGHT
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IMAGINE IN OUR MOST WARPED FANTASIES"
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-Book of the SubGenius, p. 39
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"Take your foot off the brake!"
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-Bob Tilton, "Circle of Blessing", Oct 1990 p.12
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------------------------------
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2***End quoted text***0
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3Yours truly and sign it,
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5Nick 6Danger
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---------------------------------------Nick Danger #182 @3462
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Fri Nov 30 23:59:34 1990
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(More incredible slack from Usent, the Network of Champions)
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2*****Begin quoted text*****0
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Hey gang,
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I saw this in alt.stupidity, and it was OBVIOUS to me that the news
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mailer had posted it to the wrong group.
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-Jim
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> Newsgroups: alt.stupidity
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> Subject: Re: Phoning Phor Pizza
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> > In the lab where I work, there was a need for magnetized balls. Nick Rizzo
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^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
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> >called up this place that shaped magnetic materials to order and asked for
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> >three-eight inch diameter spheres. The woman at the other end asked what the
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> >other dimensions were.
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> >jgliv
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> I am sorry to break up all this 'humor' - but I think it is important
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> to note that this is a 1SERIOUS0 and 1EXTREMELY PAINFUL0 medical condition,
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> and should 1NOT0 be made light of in such a frivolous manner.
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> Imagine for a moment that it is YOU who must remember to NEVER casually
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> drop the car keys in your front pocket, NEVER to sit on a seat with a
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> steel frame (unless you are carrying the obligatory spatula), NEVER
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> AGAIN to walk through a hardware store and browse through the screws
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> and nails. Do you realize that many toilets are constructed of ceramic
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> 1OVER a STEEL BASE?!0
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> I think this frivolous posting is another indication of how seriously
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> awry this whole 'humor' thread has gone. I think it is also important
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> to add - 'I'm O.K., You're STYOOOOOPID!'
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> Let's get back to some REALLY styooooopid topics, like New Age religion.
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> Your mind is continuously storing 'images' or 'photographs' if you will,
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> of all the really styooooopid things happening around you, and the many
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> obscenely styooooopid dudes and dudettes with whom you are forced to
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> coexist. I want to help you to 'edit' these into a mental remembrance
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> of the 1977 Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. But this takes *special*
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> resources - cash, if you will, and not just a little bit of it, either.
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> Computer graphics and national advertising are not cheap.
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> I used to 'think' as you do. Then I got a great idea while playing
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> poker with some friends of mine who are writers of 'scientifiction.'
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> Now I have the resources to do whatever I want - right up to 5FAKING
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> MY OWN DEATH0 and PERMANENTLY avoiding the really STYOOOOOPID stuff
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> that the rest of you JUST PUT UP WITH! Elvis thinks I'm 'taking
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> advantage of all the little people' - but balks at my argument that
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> it is costing me a FORTUNE just to keep his nose full. And it isn't
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> exactly CHEAP sailing around the world over and over...
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> I think there is still hope for you. Instead of remembering that
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> horrible sexual experience from Sophomore year, try instead to fill
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> your mind with the image of an enormous 'Dino the Dinosaur' floating
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> serenely above thousands of spectators while Santa rounds the turn
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> close behind... Can you see it? Huh? Can you? Really? Okay, you're
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> ready read my book, 'Econetics' and begin a comprehensive program of
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> donations and pledges. No, make it out to me, personally.
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> I still can't believe this works. 'Grok' THIS, Bob!! Ha!
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> As Sincerely as possible under the circumstances,
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> L. Ron 'Cash or Charge?' Hubbard
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> $
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> $$$
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> $ $ $ "Send me your fives, your tens, your twenties yearning
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> $$ to be free..." - Moi
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> $$ DISCLAIMER - I'm just making all this up as I go...
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> $ $ $
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> $$$
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> $
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Truly, this is slack.
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-Jim
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--
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^ - James C. "Jim" Dobbs - jdobbs@director.beckman.uiuc.edu
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( O-O "The correct pluralization of 'smurf' is 'smurves.'"
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> - James C. Dobbs
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^ DISCLAIMER - Nobody ever agrees with anything I think.
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