110 lines
6.0 KiB
Plaintext
110 lines
6.0 KiB
Plaintext
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_____________ _/_/ | | \ \ _/_/ _____________
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| ___________ _/_/ | | \ \ _/_/ ___________ |
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| | c o m m u n i c a t i o n s | |
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| |________________________________________________________________| |
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|____________________________________________________________________|
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...presents... Loneliest Being in the World
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by Broken Symmetry
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>>> a cDc publication.......1994 <<<
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-cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc-
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____ _ ____ _ ____ _ ____ _ ____
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|____digital_media____digital_culture____digital_media____digital_culture____|
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Contrary to popular myth, Santa hated children. Not because he had a
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special dislike for young people, but because he utterly loathed all of
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humanity. Why else live at the South Pole (not the North, that was another
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erroneous myth) if not to put as much distance between him and the rest of
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mankind as possible?
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The only person he did love was his wife Sarah, and he loved her with a
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depth and purity that put most people's concept of love to shame. It was she
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who loved children, although unable to have any of her own. And it was her
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idea to make every child in the world happy with a present once a year. So,
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once a year Santa would reluctantly give out his gifts, then rush home to watch
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his wife as she watched their world-wide scanner. Sarah would "ooh" and "ahh"
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as each package was opened, and Santa would just sit back and smile at her.
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They thought this would continue forever. They had both survived cold,
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fire, falls from tremendous heights, gunshot wounds and a truly staggering
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amount of time without any ill effects. That is until Sarah contracted skin
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cancer, no doubt due to the increased solar radiation coming through the ozone
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hole. By December 24th she was in pretty bad shape, but insisted Santa go out
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on his yearly run. It would do her good, she said, to see all those happy
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faces the next morning.
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She was dead when Santa got back.
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Santa buried her on Christmas day and stood at her grave for two months.
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The first month he knew nothing but his overwhelming grief. By the end of the
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second he had begun to ask himself what he would do next.
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He half-heartedly tried a number of conventional means of suicide, which,
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as expected, had no effect. Forced to live, he eventually decided what he
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wanted to do with his life.
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- x X x -
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The elves were all given intensive courses in biology and genetic
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engineering. Those who were unable to pass Santa's rigorous exams vanished
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mysteriously, providing more incentive to those who remained.
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When their training was complete, Santa told them his plan. Humans would
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have been shocked, but elves view the world in a very different way and didn't
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really understand the difference between the "gift" they would now design and
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those they had made previously.
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After a long period of development, the experimentation phase began.
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Homeless people who were never missed (and children who were) were grabbed in
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large numbers, taken to the workshop and experimented on extensively. One can
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only wonder what the last thoughts of these children must have been as they saw
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Santa Claus standing over them, looking down coldly and holding some dark,
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unpleasant instrument.
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Eventually the virus had been perfected, and next Christmas it was
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delivered to every child who had not reached puberty. And the same the
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following year, to all the children that had been born in the interval. And so
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on, year after year, until the year that there were no more children born.
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Santa's virus altered DNA, prevented the onset of puberty, and slowed the
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rest of normal development down significantly. The last generation of humans
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tried desperately to find a cure, but in vain.
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From the workshop, Santa watched humanity die out one by one until the
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last person alive, an eighty year old little girl, collapsed in the street:
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believing herself the loneliest being in the world.
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She wasn't, of course. Santa still lived.
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Santa then released the remaining elves to the realm from which he had
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abducted them. Then he took the sleigh up to supersonic speeds, out of Earth's
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gravity well, and pointed it at the sun. He figured the sun's intense heat
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would kill him, even if the vacuum of space didn't.
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He was right.
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_______ __________________________________________________________________
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/ _ _ \|Demon Roach Undrgrnd.806/794-4362|Kingdom of Shit.....806/794-1842|
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((___)) |Cool Beans!..........415/648-PUNK|Polka AE {PW:KILL}..806/794-4362|
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[ x x ] |Metalland Southwest..713/579-2276|ATDT East...........617/350-STIF|
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\ / |The Works............617/861-8976|Ripco ][............312/528-5020|
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(' ') | Save yourself! Go outside! DO SOMETHING! |
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(U) |==================================================================|
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.ooM |Copyright (c) 1994 cDc communications and Broken Symmetry. |
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\_______/|All Rights Reserved. 12/01/1994-#299|
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ÿÿ |