184 lines
7.5 KiB
Plaintext
184 lines
7.5 KiB
Plaintext
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.-. {>Shedding True Light on Christmas Day<} .-.
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.-. Written By .-.
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.-. The Cruiser .-.
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* *
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* *
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*
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* ou were 8 years old, and it was Dec. 25. This is how the day went.
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1 a.m. You were much too excited to sleep, so you got out of bed and walked
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over to the window, where you were witness to an amazing and glorious sight.
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Across the street, on the roof of the Finster house, was the Jolly Fellow
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himself, old St. Nick. It was hard to see exactly what he was doing, seeing
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as it was the middle of the night and all, but there was no doubt that it was
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indeed Santa Claus.
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You tried to get your brother Billy to come to the window to see Santa, but he
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just said, "Make sure he's got my puppy," before he rolled over and went back
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to sleep.
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(In later years, you would learn that what you had really seen was portly old
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Mr. Finster, who had forgotten his house keys, and was trying to sneak in
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without waking his wife.)
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4:55 a.m. Morning! (Sort of.) You try to wake your parents, but they tell you
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to wait for the sun to come up. (In later years, you would learn that Pop had
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gone to bed at 4:50, after finally completing the task of putting together a
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bicycle that required "light assembly.")
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5:15 a.m. Your parents finally give in to your pathetic pleadings, and you all
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head downstairs for the Opening of The Presents. For background music, Pop
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puts on his favorite holiday album, "Everybody Sings `The Little Drummer Boy.'"
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Side one features Tony Bennett, The Captain & Tenille, Lionel Richie, Rosemary
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Clooney, Andy Williams and Barry Manilow.
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5:16 a.m. Billy begins to cry, because there is no puppy under the tree. Mom
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looks right at Pop and says, "I'm sorry, Billy. Sometimes Santa Claus can be a
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real meanie."
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5:21 a.m. All presents have been opened.
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{>Highlights<}
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Mom thanking Pop for the perfume she bought and wrapped.
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Pop's classic Method performance, as he assures everyone that this tie really
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is unique.
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Billy holding his breath for three minutes and 17 seconds, because he didn't
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get a puppy. According to your brand new book of records, Billy was just 11
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seconds shy of the all-time Hold Your Breath record, held by an Australian
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child who didn't get a koala bear for Christmas.
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You recieved several cool toys, requiring a total of 117 batteries, none of
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which were included.
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{>The Day Continues. . .<}
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6 a.m. Mom and Pop go back to bed;Billy begins packing for his run away from
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home. You play with your cars, going "Zoom, zoom!" to compensate for the lack
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of batteries.
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8 a.m. Mass at St. Phillips's. Average attendance is 712. Today's
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attendance: 5,678.
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Father O'Malley, who has the hairiest knuckles of any human being you've ever
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seen, gives a 45-minute sermon. The topic is "People Who Come to Church Only
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on Christmas and Easter."
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Alice Lane, the crush in your life, is sitting in the pew across from yours.
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In order to impress her, you begin to wriggle your right ear, a trick you've
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recently mastered. Alice doesn't see this, but Sister Mary Grace does,
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unfortunately. She gives you her mean Raymond Burr stare and mouths the
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message, "Pay attention and pray, Mister."
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You pray that Sister Mary Grace will have forgotten this episode by the
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time school resumes, but that's highly unlikely. Nuns never forget.
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9:45 a.m. Mass finally ends. There are several minor accidents and at least
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one incident of fisticuffs as parishoners jockey for position to reach the
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exits.
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10 a.m. Bernstein's Drug Store is doing record business. The line for
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batteries snakes around the building. Young Irwin Bernstein makes an
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announcement through a megaphone: "Attention, people - there are no more
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Double-A or C batteries!" (A groan ripples through the crowd.) "But we still
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have the A, B and D sizes. Have your order and your money ready when you
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approach the counter. Thank you."
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11:15 a.m. You arrive at the fifth straight overcrowded restaurant. An overly
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cheerful hostess named Tawny says, "Merry Christmas, gang. There's a
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three-hour wait, unless you don't mind sitting at seperate tables."
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11:20 a.m. A quick stop at Dunkin' Donuts.
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11:45 a.m. Back home. With the help of 12 D batteries, you now have a fully
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functional Sonar Sound Ear-Piercing Ray Gun, which emits 10 different kinds of
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high-pitched sound waves.
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12:30 p.m. Uncle Herb and Aunt Sigourney are the first guests to arrive.
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Billy answers the door and says, "Did you bring me a puppy?"
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Aunt Sigourney replies, "No, but we have a lovley fruitcake."
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Billy flings himself to the ground. Uncle Herb and Aunt Sigourney step over
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Billy, and the party is under way.
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12:35 p.m. Uncle Herb utters his most famous phrase: "Hey, why is the liquor
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cabinet locked?"
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1:35 p.m. Of all toys, 33% have been rendered useless.
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2 p.m. More than 50 guests have arrived. There is so much noise that Billy's
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crying has been reduced to a mime act - you can see him, but you can't hear
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him.
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2:15 p.m. Uncle Herb borrows your Sonar Sound Ear-Piercing Ray Gun.
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2:16 p.m. The Sonar Sound Ear-Piercing Ray Gun is accidentally broken.
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4:10 p.m. Browns 27, Steelers 21, final score. Pop switches over to an NBA
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game. The announcer is saying, "There's no better way to celebrate this
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Christmas Day than by watching a fierce intradivision matchup between the
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Detroit Pistons and the Milwaukee Bucks."
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4:40 p.m. Small fire in the kitchen. No one is hurt, but there's a lot of
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choking and gasping from all the smoke.
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5 p.m. Dinner is served. The adults sit at a long table that stretches from
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the kitchen all the way out to the front porch. The meal is delicious,
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although it's hard to see anything because of the lingering smoke from the
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fire.
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The kids sit at a seperate table in the basement. Billy learns that 40% of his
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cousins recieved some sort of Lovable Furry Creature for Christmas. This gives
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him renewed crying energy.
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6 p.m. Pop again puts on "Everybody Sings `The Little Drummer Boy.'"
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6:05 p.m. Uncle Herb mutters, "Where's that damn sound gun when you need it?"
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7 p.m. On cable, it's "Holiday Hockey," with the Calgary Flames taking on the
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Minnesota North Stars.
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7:15 p.m. Aunt Elaine, your godmother who thinks you're still 3 years old,
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gives you a present - building blocks, suitable for ages 2-4. "But I'm 8 years
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old," you say. Nobody cares.
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8:30 p.m. Mom completes the task of packaging and wrapping 57 individual
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leftover plates for the guests to take home.
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9 p.m. The party is still going strong, but it's time for you and Billy to go
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to bed.
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9:22 p.m. You have finally finished kissing everyone goodnight. There are 33
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different shades of lipstick smeared on your face.
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9:30 p.m. Lights out.
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Billy says, "I wonder if I made 'em feel guitly enough to buy me a puppy for my
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birthday."
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"Doubtful," you tell him.
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Outside, the snow keeps on falling.
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Only 364 days until Christmas.
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.-. .-.
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.-. Merry Christmas everyone, and have a safe and happy New Year. .-.
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.-. --The Cruiser, 12/20/86 .-.
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.-. .-.
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/-----------\
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|This was an|
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|Octothorpe |
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|Production.|
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\-----------/
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