561 lines
21 KiB
Plaintext
561 lines
21 KiB
Plaintext
From DRC100@psuvm.psu.edu Sun Dec 2 15:28:09 1990
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From: DRC100@psuvm.psu.edu (david chandler)
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Subject: Collection of short jokes
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Keywords: various, smirk
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{ed There are lots of quote collections out there. I prefer not to do 'em,
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because they are so big and varied, but I had this one lying around...}
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"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting."-Alan Dean Foster "To the
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Vanishing Point"
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The Search for Signs of Intelligent Life in the Universe:
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All my life I said I wanted to be someone...I can see now that
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I should have been more specific.
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"Stupidity, like virtue, is its own reward" -Bill Davidsen
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"The world is filled with fools. They blindly follow their so-called
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'reason' in the face of the church and common sense. Any fool can see
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that the world is flat!" - anon
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"Women and cats do as they dammed well please.
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Men and dogs had best learn to live with it..."
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Alan Holbrook
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"I'm at the corner of Walk and Don't Walk...."
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Two obviously high-class old ladies are strolling down a city
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street when they run across a grizzled, ragged old derelict
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lying drunk in the gutter, covered with garbage, sewer water
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running all over him. "Hmmmph," sniffs one of the old ladies
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haughtily. "Cleanliness is next to godliness. William Shakespeare!"
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The drunk opens one yellowed, rheumy old eye, stares at her
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balefully, and replies, "Fuck you. Tennessee Williams..."
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A retired dentist who loves to fish. "Open wide," he mutters to the unseen fish
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as he waits for a tug on the line. "Now bite down. This may sting just a
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little bit."
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Then of course, there's the way Keillor used to close his broadcast stories:
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"That's the news from Lake Woebegon, where all the men are smart, the women
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are good looking, and all the children are above average."
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Keillor has a sort of low-key, "Huh? Whuzzat?" humor that I'm very fond of.
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I have a Steven King line I'm fond of too. It's from _The_Dead_Zone, and it's
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not funny at all, but I find it to be true. Johnny Smith is talking to the
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wealthy father of the boy he's been hired to tutor. The father says something
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to the affect that there are three kinds of people in the world. 95 percent
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of the people are drones, zeroes. One percent are saints and one percent
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are devils, and that two percent are born the way they are. The other
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three percent_the people who get the vast majority of things in the world
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done_are the people who do what they say they will do.
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of him as a classical author and you'll have a real good time. I recommend
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"Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar." -- Sigmund Freud
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"a woman is only a woman,
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but a good cigar is a smoke"
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War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of
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things. The decayed and degraded state of
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moral and patriotic feeling which thinks that
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Nothing is worth war is much worse. The per-
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son who has nothing for which he is willing
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to fight, nothing which is more important
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than his own personal safety, is a miserable
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creature and has no chance of being free unless
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made and kept so by the exertions of better
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men than himself.
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--- John Stewart Mill
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Duty then is the sublimest word in the
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English language. You should do your duty in
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all things. You can never do more, you should
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never wish to do less.
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General Robert E. Lee
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We will occasionally use this arrow notation unless there is danger of
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no confusion.
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-- Ronald Graham, "Rudiments of Ramsey Theory"
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I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance
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in London, that a young healthy child well nursed is at a year old a
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most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted,
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baked, or boiled, and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a
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fricassee, or a ragout.
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-- Jonathan Swift, "A Modest Proposal"
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Over the past ten years, for the first time, intelligence had
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become socially correct for girls.
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-- Tom Wolfe, "Bonfire of the Vanities"
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He, in a few minutes ravished this fair creature, or at least would have
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ravished her, if she had not, by a timely compliance, prevented him.
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-- Henry Fielding, "Jonathan Wild"
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In the topsy-turvy world of heavy rock, it's often useful to have a nice,
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solid piece of wood in your hands.
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-- Ian Faith, manager of Spinal Tap
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All obvious theorems are true.
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-- Pommersheim's Principle
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All true theorems are obvious.
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-- Keane's Kriterion
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Ya gotta feel sorry for all them convicts in New Hampshire, stampin'
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out license plates that say "Live free or Die."
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-- ???
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I'm a clown. That's my sole mechanism of defense. Very few people will go
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out of their way to punish a clown.
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-- ???
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He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains
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a fool forever.
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-- Old Chinese saying
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Monty Python
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"In accordance with our principles of free enterprise and
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healthy competition, I'm going to ask you two to fight to
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the death for it."
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Ripping Yarns
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"Mind you, not as bad as the night Archie Pettigrew ate some
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sheep's testicles for a bet...God, that bloody sheep kicked him..."
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"It's a hundred and six miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of
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gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses."
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"Hit it."
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Pink Panther
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"Kato, what is going on in that little yellow brain of yours?"
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-- Chief Inspector Clouseau, in reference to a priceless white\
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Steinway piano.
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Dave Barry
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Your digestive system is your body's Fun House, whereby food goes
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on a long, dark, scary ride, taking all kinds of unexpected twists
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and turns, being attacked by vicious secretions along the way, and
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not knowing until the last minute whether it will be turned into a
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useful body part or ejected into the Dark Hole by Mister Sphincter.
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We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is
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second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little
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scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds
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if we felt like it.
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The Odd Couple
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"A penny for your thoughts?"
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"A dollar for your death."
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The Princess Bride
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"Inconceivable!"
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"You use that word a lot. I do not think it means what you think it does."
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Daffy Duck
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"Ho! Ha-ha! Guard! Turn! Parry! Dodge! Spin! Ha! Thrust!"
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--D. Duck
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"Consequences, shmonsequences! So long as I'm rich!"
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-- Daffy Duck
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"Mine! Mine! It's all mine!"
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-- D. Duck
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Politicians
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"The genius of you Americans is that you never make clear-cut stupid moves,
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only complicated stupid moves which make us wonder at the possibility that
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there may be something to them we are missing."
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-- Gamel Abdel Nasser
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"Life's a bitch, and life's got lots of sisters."
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-- Ross Presser
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All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in
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the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find
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that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are
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dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes,
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to make it possible.
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T. E. Lawrence
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_The Seven Pillars of Wisdom_
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Always do what you are afraid to do.
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Emerson
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"It's said that 'power corrupts', but actually it's more
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true that power attracts the corruptible. The sane are
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usually attracted by other things than power. When they
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do act, they think of it as service, which has limits.
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The tyrant, though, seeks mastery, for which he is insa-
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tiable, implacable."
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David Brin
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_The Postman_
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H. L. Mencken: "The American public knows what it wants,
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and deserves to get it good and hard."
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"Hankerin' for trouble, eh? Well I would like--"
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[aside] "I would like? I would like a trip to Europe!"
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"--I would like..."
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--Daffy Duck, "Dripalong Daffy"
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"Go on! Shoot me again! I enjoy it! I love the smell of burnt feathers
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and gunpowder and cordite!"
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--Daffy Duck, "Duck! Rabbit! Duck!"
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"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And
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East is East and West is West and if you take cranberries and stew them
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like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does.
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Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know."
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--Groucho Marx, "Animal Crackers"
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"Go! And never darken my towels again!"
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--Groucho Marx, "Duck Soup".
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"Oh, I know it's a penny here and a penny there, but look at me. I worked
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myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
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--Groucho Marx, "Monkey Business"
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"The shortest distance between two points is through Hell."
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--Brian Clark
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There are three side effects of acid. Enchanced long term memory,
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decreased short term memory, and I forget the third.
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-Timothy Leary
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"I'm a great housekeeper. I get devorced. I keep the house".
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-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
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"The will to win is worthless if you don't get paid for it" (Reggie Jackson)
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I have some better ones that I'll send you once I get them.
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Paul Wilbert
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"The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself
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at the ground and miss."
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- Hitchhiker's
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James Bond: What do you expect me to talk?
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A.Goldfinger: No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!
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Goldfinger
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>From a high school history teachers stash of student goodies:
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(all spellings SIC)
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" The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and
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thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of
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rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormic invented the McCormic raper
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which could do the work of 100 men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure
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for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ
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of Species. Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one
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of the Marx brothers."
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On the old "You Bet Your Life" program, Groucho Marx was getting to know
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one of his contestants. The man told Groucho that he had 10 children.
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"Why so many children?" Groucho asked. "Well, I love my wife", the man
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answered. Groucho paused but a second, then said "I love my cigar but
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I take it out of my mouth once in a while!"
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"Well, now, hold onta yer horses, there, Frazier. I mean, as a psychiatrist,
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isn't it your job to, uh, `seek and uphold the truth'?"
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"Oh, get real, Cliff."
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--- Cheers
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A witty saying proves nothing.
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--- Voltaire
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"J. D. Salinger... John Knowles... even James Kirkwood and that
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guy Don Bredes... they've destroyed being an adolescent,Garraty.
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If you're a sixteen-year-old boy, you can't discuss the pains of
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adolescent love with any decency anymore. You just come off
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sounding like fucking Ron Howard with a hardon."
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Richard Bachman (Stephen King)
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Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
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Lunatic Asylum: The place where optimism most flourishes.
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Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
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The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
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Hartley's First Law:
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You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float
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on his back, you've got something.
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Cole's Law:
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Thinly sliced cabbage.
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A conservative is one who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
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Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.
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Frisbeetarianism: The belief that when you die, your soul goes up the
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on roof and gets stuck.
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The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the
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stupidity of your action.
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Bacchus: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for
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getting drunk.
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Winston Churchill: "I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats
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look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals."
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Harry Bender:
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"Imagine the appeals,
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Dissents and remandments,
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If lawyers had written
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The Ten Commandments"
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James Thurber: "I think that maybe if women and children
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were in charge we would get somewhere."
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Johnny Hart's comic strip "B.C.": "If man evolved from the
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ape, how come there are still apes around? Some of them were
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given choices."
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Bill Watterson, cartoonist: "Sometimes I think the surest
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sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe
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is that none of it has tried to contact us."
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Unidentified Scientist: "After two years of trying,
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scientists at the Yerkes Regional Primate Center have
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managed to get a chimpanzee pregnant." Which proves that no
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task is repugnant to a true scientist.
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Irv Kupcinet: "What can you say about a society that says
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God is dead and Elvis is alive?"
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A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
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-- Ben Franklin
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A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in his own
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home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and exceptional ability in
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that particular field."
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A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!"
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"However," replied the Universe,
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"the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."
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-- Stephen Crane
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Be self-reliant and your success is assured.
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For economists, the real world is often a special case.
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Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if
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one went to Harvard).
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-- Edgar R. Fiedler
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A meeting is an event where minutes are taken and hours wasted
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An ounce of vanity can ruin a ton of merit.
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You know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks,
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'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one
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big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the
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only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers
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-- A analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic
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Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
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-- Samuel Goldwyn
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A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.
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The world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
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-- Sean O'Casey
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A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.
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===============================================================================
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--
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Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
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Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
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Jokes ABOUT major current events should be sent to topical@looking.on.ca
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Anything that is not a joke submission goes to funny-request@looking.on.ca
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Administrative note:
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Bush's oil company laded quote is from a paper called the
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"People's Weekly World"
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