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381 lines
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Access Denied 000@@@@@@@@P'/// 000@@P//////////// .d@@@@@D X Marks The
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d00@@@@@@@P'//// d00@@@a///////// d@@@@@@@@@' Shit
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D a m n e d F u c k i n g S h i t
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- Presents -
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Issue #52
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Date: 7/19/95
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Title: An Interesting Conversation
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Author: Anonymous
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* The following is a conversation that recently occurred between two
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people who would rather remain anonymous, because they pheer narqs.
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Everything marked with *'s has been blacked out in order to protect the
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innocent. We join the conversation in the middle of it, because the first
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part wasn't very interesting. Anyways, enjoy.
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8:14 pm *** Jul **, 1995
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-----------------------------
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eye saw uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.. oh.. I told you that, nevermind.. hmm..
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Two nights ago, `Phantasm ][' was on channel 7 at 3:00am. It roqed even
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more than usual. Eye love that movie.
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was uhh.. that guy in it. the one with the awesome name <that escapes me>
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Angus Scrimm!%@^&%#@... Yep. "The Tall man". He r00lz.
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he doz. bigtymes
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Yep. Hey, on a completely different note, guess who died on July 4th?
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ummmmmmmmmmmm... ****?
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Yew only wish.. ;). gno, that Bob Ross guy. "A little bit of color.."
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<whooooooooooooosh>.. sound of reference flying over ****'s head.
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I didn't think you'd know. He's that TV artist guy, with the fro.
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eleete. wow. hey.. on a completely different but related subject..
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****/*****, was hanging out at a Skatepark in Chicago, and met a guy who was
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good friends with ****, who ran ********* ******.. who evidentally hung
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himself over newyears.
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w0w, can't say I ever heard of him beyond yer ******* *********.. ;). W0w.
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Hanging would be a shitty way to kill yerself. I'd have to go a gun, myself,
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preferably a large caliber shotgun.
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or going to sleep with the car on in the garage wouldn't be too bad either.
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not hanging.. umm.. not burning either <eeeeechhck>.. big gun to head.. but
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going to sleep would be best.
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Yeah, but I think I'd find it kind of hard to fall asleep.. ;). Until I
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like.. died. ehehe. Hmmmm.. slitting your wrists would also suck. I don't
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see why people do these things so stupidly.. Hmmmm.
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yeah.. definitely. the whole garage thing is cool because the Carbon Monoxide
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knocks you out.. so.. you WILL fall asleep ;)
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Ah. I was unaware, I thought you'd just die. Hmmmmmm. Ah well. Yeah, that
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would probably be best. Even like.. poisoning yerself has got to involve
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some pain. Especially if you use like.. Drano.. <grin>..
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cleans you out, but leaves you feeling all hollow inside. there are some
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poisons that might be alright.. but you'd really have to PLAN the hell out of
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your suicide to get ahold of them. not something most people do.
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Yep... Hmm.. most people a little distraught at that point... ;). Hmmmmm.
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Maybe that guy hung himself because he had nothing to do once his board went
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down.. ;). Hmmmm.. I don't think that'd happen to me tho'. Maybe like.. I
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dunno.. **** ***** or something.
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nah.. not even ****. someone like Bob Mahoney would really be in a bad
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position.
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Yeah, true. Hmmmmm.. Maybe *******. He'd have no more dorqs to talk to
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24/7.. ;)
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yeah.. probably. hrmm. not most other people tho. they'd be more like 'wow..
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I have lots of time now.. I think I'll go do something worthwhile'.
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Maybe I'll take down my board.. and then like.. go kill ***. That'd be a
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worthwhile cause.. ;)
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I suppose. you could disguise yourself as a black guy.. jump through his
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window, yell 'Yous dead yall' at the top of your lungs, stab him 12 times,
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and then jump out the window.
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Hey.. that's perfect.. ;). ehehe. I like the quote.. bah... Yeah.. It's all
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falling into place. Hmmmm. But I wish we had a copy of "**********" so I
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could like.. play it outside his window for a bit first.. ehehe.
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You would go down in history as 'The ********** Murderer'.. and your case
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would remain open for years to come.
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Yeah. Then there's be all sorts of Investigative Reports shows doing
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editions about me. ;). Wow, I bet that would start a lot of message
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discussions on local boards too. All the kewlie people on one side, vs. all
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the dorqs.. ;)
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I would become a Professional Thesbian and play you on 'A Current Affair'.
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Yeah.. <grin>.. & I could like, watch it and say.. "These lesbians don't even
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look like those guys".. <grin>. Ah, Imagination is so fun.
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"Ha-Ha, Bill, we'd better stab him to death and jump out the window, after
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starting *** *** *** on his computer, so it will play our themesong Ha-Ha'.
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yeah. blah. I miss that song too. And ********. Do you know if *** has a
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copy?
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_________________________________________________________________
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* (At this point, the talk became too horrid for the likes of you. We
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will resume at a later point in the conversation...)
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__________________________________________________________________
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Yep. Well. blah. I dunno. I like double spaces after a period. That's
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all I can think of to say.
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that's great man. yawn. hmm. *** is kewlie. but would be more interesting if
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it worked right all the time. I need a release copy. perhaps I should call a
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zero-day warez board... instead I think I'll just sit here and pick my nose,
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as it requires less labor.
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Good idea. In the meantime, I'll invest overseas. ;)
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sounds like a plan. hmm. Perhaps I'll volunteer in some helpful worldwide
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organization, and go to Menjahamut Betlassieat and teach the diseased
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children there the beauties of the BBS scene.
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Good idea. I'll go to Burkina Fasso & set up a big warez board. I'm sure
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I'll get lots of calls from starving children in the local AC. Then we can
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discuss how gay *** is.
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good plan. or maybe we could each build a fortress on either side of the
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village... and propel meat and vegetables over the heads of the starving
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people to each other.
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Now THERE'S an idea. Wow, that's pretty good. Hmmmmm. And we can just
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like.. shout across the village about how we couldn't eat another bite, and
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we have all this excess food.. But We'll just give it to the dogs. <grin>
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we'd need to be careful not to walk the dogs. or walk ourselves. I think both
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might be eaten by a passer-by.
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yeah. Maybe build an underground tunnel system or something. Keep them damn
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starving people away. "NO!#@* I don't have 70 cents a day, get off my
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ass!*#@"
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exactly. how the Master Plan begins to form. then we could setup big speakers
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on each fortress, and big receiving dishes, and send warez back and forth by
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playing the connect and handshake tones really loudly to each other, as well
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as discussing how Gay *** is.. except discussing it in Mahamutian, so he
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would never know.
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Yeah, Hmmm.. but what if some starving dorq staggers into the transfer area?
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We'd have to use Zmodem to make sure it was resumeable. And another idea
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would be to invite *** himself to come out, then feed him a lot.. then talk
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about how he's taking food home that's secretly shoved up his ass or
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something over the speakers, and then throw him over the wall.
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wow, that sounds awesome. really far up his ass. he wouldn't want to lose it
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during the trip.
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Good call.. ehehe. ah. Well, this sure has been an interesting
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conversation, but my fingers are numbing. bah.
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bummer. that's air-conditioning for ya. unhealthy stuff. mine are nice and
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waaaaaarm, because me house is at natural room temperature.. which is not too
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hot to sit in a leather chair in long pants. hohoho. how cool and
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comfortable I am.
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Wow. How I envy you. The other day I could have been wearing a winter coat
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in my house & still have been kinda cool. That's central air for you.
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Hmmmmm.. Maybe we should just throw away the A/C.
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I think so. think of the savings on your power bills. think of how many
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starving children would fit into the place where your A/C used to be. ahh. it
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is so comfortable here. and when it gets too hot. I go to work at a place
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which is naturally, and biodegradably conditioned.
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Good for you. Doing something for the environment *AND* for the starving.
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Hmmmm.. how many children are shoved down the laundry chute, anyways?
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evidentally a large number. my dirty clothes never seems to make it's way to
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the laundry hamper.
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Well, could be like.. a big.. mongoose or something that lives in the middle
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of the chute, and eats some of the laundry each time. I'd call the
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exterminators.
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I'll call the Orkin Man.. so eye can watch him zaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaapppp the shit
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out of that dirty mongoose.
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Good idea. I luv how he's a big machine/weaponry clad guy at first, then
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turns into some dorq in a white hat. Quite a guy. Hmmmmm. But if you start
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getting snakes all over your house, be sure to get the mongoose replaced.
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I suppose. you know those King Cobras can just come out of anywhere, as
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common as those things that aren't centipedes. hmmm. well, I suppose it would
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just be an addition to the Snipe living in my bathroom.. hiding from all
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those people hunting them.
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Yeah, I saw it. Nice little guy. I keep a weasel & a wolverine in my
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underwear drawer.
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I did for awhile, but the feces got annoying.. as well as the fact that the
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wolverine would rip my arm off each time I'd need some clean underwear..
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which of course would mean the underwear would be all nasty and bloody..
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plus I don't have an underwear drawer, which might have also hampered
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things.
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Yeah, well.. I could see the wolverine-in-the-closet scenario, seeing as how
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you keep all those knives all over the place... Hmmmm.. Maybe you could get a
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meshed metal glove to wear for getting new clothes.
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perhaps. is that what you do? not a bad idea. I dunno.. I just got rid of
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them completely a few months ago. now I have a Kodiak bear in there.
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Ah. well, they're good protectors, I'll say that for them. Although they d
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do get a little hungry when there's nothing to eat in there. I like to throw
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in some berries + a bloodied carcass for the grizzly that I have. Sure,
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there not AS threatening, but they do work.
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yeah, they do well at the whole stare-tactic thing.. you know.. robber breaks
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into house, goes for underwear closet.. sees 6-foot angry beast. works well.
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I heard that bears eat lots of honey.. so I just beat the hell out of mine
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with a big bees nest I keep on a stick.. just seems to piss him off tho.
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lately he's taken to eating all the coat hangers. uncool. no place to hang my
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coats. not that I have any.
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Yeah. That can be nasty on their digestive system too. Hmmmm. Feces all
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twisted & sharp.. bah. I don't envy him that. For real security, I have a
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pack of wolves that roams my room when I'm asleep. They make a lot of noise,
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but I figure, What the hell, I'm not being robbed, right?.
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good point. I'd read about the whole pack-of-wolves thing,.. nice idea, but
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mighty expensive. I mean... I hope you don't have carpet, all that roaming
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really does a job on it. there are some industry magazines that recently
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rates the plusses and minusses of the system. I think I'm going to go for the
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electronic motion-detecting sounds-like-a-pack-of-wolves-roaming device for
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only $49.99. hey.. it might keep my awake, but it's a serious deterrent, what
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with all the people who own real wolfpacks.
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Well, I can see your point. I dunno, I was going to get rid of them after
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about a month, because they were really bringing down the resale value of our
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house. But they grow on you, ya know? Hmmmm. Mating season rolled around &
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there were more. Maybe I'll start giving wolves to people as Christmas
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presents. They're getting a little expensive to feed, I've got to have two
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or three deer set loose in the house now instead of just one a day. And
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forget having anything fragile survive once the chase starts. But, I dunno.
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They're really friendly to me now. And I don't want to give them up for some
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electric Almost-a-wolfpack-but-really-not thing.
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understandable. if I had already bought the wolfpack.. I think I'd stick with
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it. I mean.. there are ways to make money off of it as well.. I have friends
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who get called regularly by those Time-Life people who want to do specials on
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the ferocity of wolves, etc. but.. hey.. since I'm making the initial
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investment, I think I'll go for the low-end, I just don't have the cash now,
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you know? As for the christmas present idea.. sounds great. you could put
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them in little jars and tie bows around the lids, and send them off to
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distant friends. really sweet.
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See that's what I was thinking. I don't get to see many people any more,
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since the pack is pretty protective of me. Geez, when the cable guy came out
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they ripped him apart. No fixed cable, but I didn't have to feed them that
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day. Hmmmm. The only problem is that they hate the wolverine. But, on the
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other hand, what DOESN'T hate wolverines? There pretty much the assholes of
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the animal world. So, I'll probably have to get rid of the wolverine. Maybe
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I could just feed it to the pack. Then, I'd probably have 1 or 2 less
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wolves in the bargain. Seems like the best route to me.
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I suppose. the whole thing has to put a real stop to dating life tho, so that
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must suck. if you're convinced about the whole wolverine thing, I'll take him
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off your hands for a cheap price.. I think I had some thieves coming up my
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toilet the other day, and I'd like to have that avenue covered.. But to tell
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you the truth, I'd say keep him. I mean.. look at it this way, nobody fucks
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with your underwear.
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True. Hmmmm. And the only time they ever see each other is when I open the
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drawer. So, I suppose that would be doable. Hmmmmm. Interesting point.
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But, I think I WILL get rid of the grizzly. It's getting on in years, and
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I'd sleep better knowing that it was roaming free than if it was still shut
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in my closet.
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Yeah, I can see that. I'd also sleep better knowing my Kodiak isn't going to
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come out of my closet, rip my head off, and consume me.. but hey, it's a
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trade-off, you know? Then again.. I'd have to say, for the grizzly, that it's
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easier to make a new one than to fix the old one. not much can be done. maybe
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give him to the humane society or something. someone out there is probably
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WAITING to adopt a 6' grizzly bear.
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Hmmm.. yeah, some little girl probably. Cries herself to sleep every night
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that she's without a grizzly. Hmmm. good idea. Hmmmm. I had that whole
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"fear" problem with the pack for the 1st couple months too. I can't tell you
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how many times I woke up with a.. Wolf's teeth gripping either side of my
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neck. And I'm missing a few toes. But now we seem to understand each other.
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I think in the end it was worth it.
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Yeah, but look at it from my standpoint.. I mean, you feed your wolves them
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deer nightly, right? I beat the shit out of my bear with that bee's nest, but
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he still won't fucking eat. It's really gotten to bothering me. The bees can
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piss one off too.. but hey, if it's what he eats, I'll have only the
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freshest. I'm wondering if maybe he's depressed about something, and I should
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get him some Prozak or something. perhaps, later on down the line, if thing
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deteriorate.
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Hmmmmmm. Yeah, I forgot about that whole thing. Well, maybe he has an
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eating disorder.. & thinks he's just too fat or something. I dunno. You'd
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think he'd just eat the damn honey. <sigh>. well, Hmmmmm. You might want
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to call the humane society yourself, or maybe a pet store, and ask why he's
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not eating..
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Naah, I think you hit it on the head.. it's got to be that dietary thing.
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Besides, what does the Humane Society know about animals anyways, am I right?
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So.. tomorrow, I'll go to the store, buy a couple hundred gallons of
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SLIM-FAST and a fire house, and see if that works out any better.
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Now there's an idea. Well, I'm glad we could work out this little problem
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without professional help. I do so hate to involve other people in my
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problems. Hmm. Well, c'est la vie.
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Yeah.. them professionals just don't know shit. I mean.. they actually tried
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to tell ME that it was bad to hold the snipe under water for more than a
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minute.. I mean, you can SEE the little guy loves it by the way he squirms,
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and then vomits afterwards. What do those 'professionals' need, a slap in the
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face? Anyways.. thanks a lot for the input, I think you've saved me a lot of
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time/money.
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no problem. blah. Well, I'm gonna get going then. Laterz.
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Later man, nice talking with you.
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Ditto. bye.
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Find DFS On These Fine Systems (When they're up...)
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==========================================================================
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| Paradise Lost +1.414.476.3181 DFS World HQ |
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| Temporary Insanity +1.414.666.WHEE DFS Affiliate HQ |
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| Arcane Asylum +1.414.PSY.CHOS DFS Thingy HQ |
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| Arrested Development +31.77.547477 DFS European HQ |
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| |
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| FTP - etext.archive.umich.edu - /pub/Zines/DFS |
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| |
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| I've dropped all the other distros cuz I don't know if they're up |
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| anymore. If you are a distro and you're not listed, or you want to be |
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| a distro, mail adenied@earth.execpc.com and tell me. Also if you |
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| have any comments, questions, or concerns mail them there! |
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| |
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| ASCII Art by Incarnate |
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| |
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| To submit, call Paradise Lost and log on as DFS. The password is: |
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| JINGLE JINGLE |
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==========================================================================
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