129 lines
8.2 KiB
Plaintext
129 lines
8.2 KiB
Plaintext
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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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Black Holes and a Brief History of Office Politics
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OK, I now officially have four things going at once. It's just
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one of those days where I find it impossible to focus on ANYTHING at all.
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I start something and suddenly start thinking "No, this has ceased to amuse
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me. Take it away!", and then start something else. I have 8 programs running
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at the same time, each with a piece of some project on it. I figure if I
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start a few more, I will have reached critical mass. Once this has occurred
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there are two possible outcomes; would you like to hear them (not much of a
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question since you can't answer)?
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At critical mass, I will
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1) Explode- This is the most likely outcome. There will be a
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flash of light, followed by a rush of heat and impact from the sudden
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expulsion of air. Contained in the 'flashpoint' will be large amounts of
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debris from my office (consisting mostly of unfinished projects and intended
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recycling), trace amounts of radiation (from 2 computers and monitors and a
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scanner), and a fine red mist of biological material (namely me, with
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molecular remains of an unpressed dress shirt and slacks).
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This explosion will have a half life of half an hour or so as
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things happen pretty quickly in the office these days, and explosion-related
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downsizing has little overall environmental impact. The most devastating
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effect of the explosion will be the lingering effects it has on those
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exposed to the explosion. The resulting forwarded calls, mail, and projects
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will effect those significantly in 15' of ground-zero (may be larger in
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larger departments). They will find themselves dizzy, nauseous, and
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suffering hair-loss due to the increased work load. Those on the outer edge
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of ground-zero may experience discomfort and annoyance from work that may
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reach them or from the inevitable complaints of those trapped in the
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epicenter.
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2) Implode - This is less likely, but scientists do not rule out
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the possibility that "Singularity Employees" do in fact exist. These
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"Singularity Employees", or SEs, are the result of inter-office implosions.
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When a work load has become to dense due to deadlines, unfinished
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projects, unanswered voice/email/smail mail, and open applications on the
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computer, the mass is to great for the employee to sustain themselves
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physically. At critical mass the employee, now with too much mass to expel
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outwards in an explosion, has no choice but to begin to collapse upon
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themselves.
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As the employee begins to collapse, they will become denser and
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heavier as their work crushes their physical form and spirit. Every project
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will become significantly larger and more important as a result of the
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phenomena, now impossible to complete to anyone's satisfaction or
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expectations. Even if a project should escape the gravity of the employee,
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now growing exponentially, it will be so overwhelming to anyone that
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inherits it that they in turn will collapse under the weight of it.
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Eventually, they will become "White Office Dwarfs". These dwarves
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are noted by the slouch, dragging feet, and crushed morale. They are now
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10 to 100x as dense as before, with the sheer burden of the collapse
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preventing the escape of intelligent or even original thought. They may
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still give off some light of optimism, but it will be faint and hard to
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detect with the naked eye outside of their own department.
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After this stage, the collapse continues and the resulting
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"Singularity Employee" (SE) is formed. The SE has now become so incredibly
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dense that not only have they been completely crushed by existing projects,
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but in fact begins to draw other foreign projects towards them. These new
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projects will be those of other employees that are also unfinished and are
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seeking a destination to be blamed on. The SE, unable to stop the flow of
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incoming projects, is now also blamed for the new unfinished projects in
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their department, in other departments, and if their gravity is significant
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enough, those from other divisions of the company (perhaps even out of state
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or oversees). Due to increased telecommunications, SEs can now exert
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gravity via phone, fax, and email.
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A SE will be impossible to see with the naked eye. The SE, so
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buried by projects, will actually draw in even the LIGHT of hope and
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optimism itself. Their gravity actually makes the SE invisible as they will
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never come out from under their work and, thus, will not be perceived to
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exist in the office any longer. So crushed will the SE become, that it will
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not want to be perceived due to the demands and reprimands of those
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surrounding the event.
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Largely an unproven event overall, there is growing debate in
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management circles. Still, at the recent 22nd Annual Conference of Office
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Administrators, skeptics scoffed at the concept of an SE. Instead, they
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called it a "Multiskilled" or "Multitasked" employee. Others claimed the
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phenomena to be "Redefined Position Due to Downsizing" or most ridiculously,
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a simple result of "Poor Time Management Skills".
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Scientific fact or office fiction? I cannot judge. Office Physics
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is unfortunately still not even a recognized science. With leaders in the
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field like Scott Adams bringing the idea into the mainstream, there is still
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hope. Untill the day the that they no longer burn employees at the stake
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for disproving the concept that the manager is the physical center of the
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office, and other employees revolve around them, we will remain in the dark
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ages.
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Capone
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<capone@dimensional.com>
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=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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= Questions, Comments, Bitches, Ideas, Rants, Death Threats, etc etc... =
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= Internet : jericho@dimensional.com (Mail is welcomed) =
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=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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= gote land +27.31.441115 =
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= Arrested Development +31.77.3547477 =
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= Global Chaos +61.2.681.2837 =
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= Chemical Persuasion 203.324.0894 Undrgrnd Indust/Inc. 207.490.2158 =
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= Damnation 212.861.0580 Damnation -Toll Free 888.803.8490 =
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= Hacker's Haven 303.516.9969 Unearthly Shadows 303.683.1443 =
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= E.L.F. (NUP) 314.272.3426 Misery 318.625.4532 =
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= Dungeon Sys. Inc. 410.263.2258 Psykodelik Images 407.834.4576 =
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= Paradise Lost 414.476.3181 Black SunShine 513.891.3465 =
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= underworld_1995.com 514.683.1894 Digital Fallout 516.378.6640 =
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= PSYCHOSiS 613.836.7211 Bad Trip 615.870.8805 =
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= Plan 9 716.881.3663 suicidal chaos 718.592.1083 =
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= Damaged 801.944.7353 The Death Star Bar 805.872.3151 =
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= Purple Hell 806.791.0747 BloodNet 901.872.8615 =
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= Atrocity Exhibition 905.796.3385 Phoenix Modernz 908.830.8265 =
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= The Keg 914.234.9674 that stupid place 215.985.0462 =
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=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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= Files through Anon FTP FTP.DIMENSIONAL.COM/users/jericho/FUCK =
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= FTP.PRISM.NET/pub/users/mercuri/zines/fuck =
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= FTP.WINTERNET.COM/users/craigb/fuck =
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= FTP.GIGA.OR.AT/pub/hackers/zines/FUCK =
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= ETEXT.ARCHIVE.UMICH.EDU - /pub/Zines/FUCK =
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= FTP.DIMENSIONAL.COM - /users/rage/zines/fuck =
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= Files through WWW: http://www.dimensional.com/~jericho =
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= http://www.prism.net/zineworld/fuck/ =
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= (c) Copyright. All files copyright by the original author =
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