174 lines
8.0 KiB
Plaintext
174 lines
8.0 KiB
Plaintext
This is the first how-to I've written in a while, but it DOES work. It's
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probably slightly illegal, but there's no way for anyone to prove it, so
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your chances of getting caught are slim. Anyhow, here's my disclaimer...
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DISCLAIMER
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==========
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I take no responsibility for the information in this text file, or the
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archive you found it in. It's meant for INFORMATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY. No
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warranties are made or implied as to the reliability or legality of the
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methods described. You use this at your own risk.
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END DISCLAIMER
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==============
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Here's what you need...
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1. Empty cigar/cigarette package.
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2. Envelope
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3. Stamp
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4. Address of tobacco company that makes your brand of smokes.
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Most large companies have entire departments dedicated to customer
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satisfaction. Including, believe it or not, Tobacco companies. The
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tobacco industry needs smokers for their livelihood, so if you're unhappy
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with their product, they'll figuratively bend over and pull down their
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pants to make you happy. How can this help you, you ask? If you send
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them a convincing enough sob story, they'll send you free smokes! Following
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is the letter I sent to a tobacco company, with all brand references, and
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addresses removed (if you have to ask why, then you're lame). You can use
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it as a template for your own letter, laugh at it, whatever. Put your brand
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of cigarette/cigar in {Brand name}. You will have to change some of the
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specifics, depending on what you're writing for. In my letter, I wanted
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Cigars.
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=============================================================================
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Your Name
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Your Street
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City, State/Province
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ZIP/Postal Code
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Date
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Tobacco Company
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Tobacco Box #
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Tobacco City, State/Province
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Tobacco ZIP/Postal Code
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Dear Sir or Madam,
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I have been smoking cigars for just under a year now. I have tried many
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different cigars/cigarillos in this time, including speciality brand names.
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Of all the cigars I've smoked, I've come to prefer {Brand Name} Cigarillos.
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My friends and I have become known as the "{Brand Name} Gang," around town,
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we smoke it so often. My father smokes {Brand Name}, my girlfriends smoke
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it, my friends smoke it, etc...
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Needless to say, I really enjoy your cigars. You have gained many regular
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customers through my indirect efforts. Recently I had a disturbing
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experience with your {Brand Name} cigarillos. I bought a new package from a
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gas station, unwrapped it, and removed a cigarillo. I tried igniting it
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with my zippo lighter, but it would not stay lit for some reason.
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I thought the plastic tip was blocked, since it was difficult to puff on. I
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couldn't bend it into a shape where it would work, so I cut the plastic tip
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off, and planned to smoke it raw. To my horror, inside this cigarillo were
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hundreds of tiny black bugs. I cut the rest of the cigarillo open, and
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found over half of the cigar laden with these disgusting little insects.
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They were all dead, but it disturbed me so much I gave away the rest of the
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pack. I saved the empty package so I could send it back to be studied. To
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my knowledge, the cigar I failed to light was the only one laden with bugs.
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Anyhow, I do not know what you will do about this. This is the first time
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I've ever written to a company of this nature, so I do not know what
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results (if any) I will see from it. I am of legal smoking age (21), and
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out of school. I guess I should know better than to smoke at all, so
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perhaps this may be a lesson for me to quit smoking ({Brand Name}, at
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least).
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Thank you for your time. I hope this letter helps you improve the quality
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control over an otherwise excellent product.
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Sincerely,
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(Write Your Name Here)
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Your Name (Typed)
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============================================================================
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Now, carefully cut your cigar/cigarette box open, and staple it to the
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letter. You have to cut it open, otherwise it won't fit in the envelope
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(obviously). You could send the whole thing as a package, but it would cost
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more, and we don't want this to cost much money. Address the envelope to
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the tobacco company, put the letter inside, and send it to the company.
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Within two weeks of sending my letter, I received this response:
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============================================================================
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Tobacco Company
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Tobacco Box #
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Tobacco City, State/Province
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Tobacco ZIP/Postal Code
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Date
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Your Name
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Your Street
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City, State/Province
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ZIP/Postal Code
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Dear Your Name,
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I would like to think you personally for taking the time to contact us
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regarding our {Brand Name} cigars.
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We are dedicated to achieving the highest standards of excellence and quality
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in everything we do, and a word from a customer is most important to us.
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Without a doubt, you are our final and most important judge.
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You may rest assured that I have taken note of your comments and have passed
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them on to the appropriate managers within our organization for action.
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In appreciation, we are sending you, under separate cover, some complimentary
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product based on the information available to us and with the specific
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understanding that you are legally entitled to purchase tobacco products.
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Under normal circumstances, the delivery could take a few weeks. We trust
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that we will continue to warrant your support.
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Yours sincerely,
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(Presidents Name, Signed)
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Name
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President
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P.S. - Should you experience any other problems with one of our products,
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please return a sample to us for investigation.
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=============================================================================
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Just ten days after receiving this letter, I found a nice package in the
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mail from the Tobacco company. Inside was an attractive cardboard box with
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the company insignia on it, and inside this box was... Not one, not two,
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but ten (10!) packs of cigars. A pack of cigars costs $4.27 apiece (after
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tax), where I usually buy it. So, for $.50, and an empty cigar box, I got
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over $40 worth of cigars. Not too bad, huh?
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If you try doing this yourself, you might want to use a fake name. You
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should also use a different excuse for complaining. If just five or six
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people send the exact same letter, they'll wise up, and nobody wants
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that. If you're going for cigarettes, you're going to have to modify my
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template a little bit. Try complaining that the tobacco was too dry, and
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some of the tobacco fell out of the cigarettes. Claim that the cigarettes
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were half full, or find a creative way of saying they were infested with
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bugs. :) For cigars, complain that you were short two or three cigars from
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the package, or that the cigars had big holes in them. You get the idea...
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Don't give them your telephone number in the letter, because the last thing
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you want is some asshole phoning you up saying "Der, describe the problem
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for us better, okay, huh? Okay?" Especially if you used a fake name...
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Do put one or two AIR MAIL stickers on the envelope, so it gets there as
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soon as possible.
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Well, that's it. I hope you found this useful and entertaining. I'm
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kind of interested in writing for a group, and I have many more
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useful scams/hacks/etc... that people out there will probably like. If
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someone decides to throw this in some e-mag, go ahead. All I ask is that
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you don't make any changes, and give me the credit I deserve.
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'96 ~~~+++Mister Frost+++~~~
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Coming soon... How to get *FREE*, Men's Cologne, using a similar, but even
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CHEAPER method... Not cheap shit Cologne, either...
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