393 lines
14 KiB
Plaintext
393 lines
14 KiB
Plaintext
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THO #10, BY MABCOSS. He introduces it himself, so I don't see why I
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have to write anything here. :)
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Chronicles of Pat
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Foreword: An Introduction to the Story
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Welcome to the 44th Dimension. Rejoice, strangers. You have come
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to read the fabled and infamous Chronicles of Pat. Perhaps you shall
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realize that there is a Pat in your own neighborhood. Perhaps you are
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a Pat. <<Shudder>>.... Well. Please, join us for the story of a lifetime.
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I shall see you inside.
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The "Chronicles of Pat" was written by two teenagers in 1992-1994.
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It started as a humorous note passed in the classroom by yours truly..
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but Mr G took it seriously. For one and a half years, we spent entire
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minutes at a time writing this series. And now it is available to you,
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for your own enjoyment. We ourselves have had many great laughs over
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the short story. When you live in Brick Township, New Jersey, like we
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do, you *need* a laugh once in a while.
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Anyway, here's a list of restrictions for reading this book: One,
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people with heart or lung disorders should not read it. You'll laugh
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too much. Also, if you *are* a Pat, do not read this book, either. We
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don't feel like having our heads nailed to a cactus anymore. I'm out
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of Tylenol, anyway.
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The story was written mainly under the teachings of Mrs. R.,
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but I don't think she even knows about it. Veteran's Memorial Middle
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School (the location of many of the evil happenings in this story) is
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where we went to school during 7th and 8th grade, and it is where you
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will find many of the great landmarks noted on in the story. But please..
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don't go there without a gas mask. Pat went to this school, as well.
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Well, I don't want to keep you waiting.. Go on and read. Just don't
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blame us.
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- Mr M
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Hi! Mr G here. Mr M didn't want to keep you waiting, but I don't
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mind. The book that you are about to experience is an amazing occur-
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ence in the world of (il)literacy. The Chronicles of Pat was a fun
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story to write, but it is also a very serious thing (to those who
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understand it- basically only Mr M and I).
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We worked hard on this story. Mr M did a chapter, then I did one,
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and so on, so that we could bring you the thrill of your life.
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Please, no flash photography. Keep your hands and feet inside the
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nuclear reactor as you prepare for: The CHRoNiCLES of PaT!
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- Mr G
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Chapter I: How It All Began
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One stormy day in the park, a mother bear lost her weakling child.
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Actually, she left it there on purpose. The bear started to die, but
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just then, there was a great acid rain storm, and the bear mutated into
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what we now call "Patrick."
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Chapter II: The Reacquaintance
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The Pat-monster continued to live normally (relatively speaking, of
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course) until his mother came back and slashed up his face. He decided
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he had to get away. He came to VMMS, and he fit in quite well. Now, his
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sixth year in seventh grade, trouble comes upon him, and that was the
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start of it all.
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Chapter III: The Monarch of Mr M
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One day, Pat met a cruel wizard named Mr M. Mr M stole his calc-
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ulator, his french fries, and his self-esteem. The Monarch of Mr M had
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even used his hypnotizing powers to make Pat *tell* him to take his fries.
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Mr M kept bugging Patrick until Patrick nailed his head to a cactus.
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Chapter IV: The Origin of Mr G
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While Patrick was on a trip to Brazil (to look for a cure to his hid-
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eousness), he encountered a supernatural being with incredible power;
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possibly the Lord of Evil himself, Satan. Patrick went to a village that
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possessed the cure, but abruptly the village was surrounded by flames. Then
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a figure dressed in black with dark red blood dripping from its body
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appeared. "I am Lord Mephisto, Prince of Evil, Master of Hell," said
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the eternal being. "What are you?" stared Patrick in shock. "I am the
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essence of eternal evil." From then on, Mr G (as he is mortally known)
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became a powerful enemy for the mighty mutant freak that we know as
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Patrick. Mr G was able to use his powers to stealthily sneak up on
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Pat and take his books, pens, french fries, and calculator.
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Chapter V: The Lethal Team Begins
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When Mr G met Mighty Mr M, they combined forces to form the most
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lethal enemy to Pat since his mother! They attacked from all sides,
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stealing all of Pat's possessions, until Pat broke down and fell in a
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pool of blood. All thought he was dead, but then the blood slowly
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entered Pat's body again and he got up. He was heard to whisper, as he
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got up, the words: "Thank you, Mother." He ran away from Mr G amd Mr M
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immediately, but this incident did not deter the FT, since
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they now knew that they had hope yet: Pat's mother had revived
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Patrick's soul, only so that he could feel more pain and suffering.
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Chapter VI: Acupuncture & the VYI
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Pat had liked his life up until he met the FT. One day, while the
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FT was attempting their first acupuncture on Pat, a new being came
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along, named VYI. VYI was a vicious thing that infected people's
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bodies. Pat could not be directly infected because there was nothing
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there where VYI usually infected things. But VYI was a new enemy of
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Pat, and so, it set off to find a new way to attack and destroy him.
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Meanwhile, the FT was walking to their favorite place to torture Pat:
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VMMS.
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Chapter VII: HeeKi the Oriental Wizard
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While on an archaeology expedition to Poland (Pat's home country),
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Pat came across an enchanted vending machine. "I've never seen that
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candy bar before, but I'll eat it anyway." Pat put fifty cents in the
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machine and pressed the glowing button labeled "Do Not Push." A candy
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bar dropped from its rack. Pat picked it up and opened the wrapper.
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The candy bar was dripping with ooze and was covered by numerous
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insects.
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"I knew they had what I wanted!" said Pat with a grin. As Pat
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lifted it laborously to his mouth, it exploded into many thousands of
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minute pieces, which slowly merged together to form.... HeeKi the
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Oriental Wizard!
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At first, HeeKi played friends with Pat, but then aided the FT on
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many occasions to help them in their war against Pat.
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Chapter VIII: Pat meets Dan, the Living Shoe
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While eating some neighborhood cannibals, Pat heard a knock at the
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door. He got off his highchair and opened the door. There was a giant
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shoe standing there. "Hi! I'm Dan the Living Shoe, and I'm a fellow
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ugly mutant! Would you like to ally yourself with me?"
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"Sure, Dan; I'd love to join you in a team so that we could fight
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the FT!"
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"That's great," said Dan, "but right now, we have to fight some of
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*my* enemies: 'Dave the 10-Ton Ball of Hay' and 'Parker the Bloated
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Ghost.'" Pat and Dan went to the Mountain of Rabid Rat, where they saw
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two glaciers. Just then, (lucky for their noses) they realized they
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were the BT (the Bloated Two)!
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Dan leaped and kicked Dave in the butt. Dave fell to the ground,
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but didn't stop there.. he left a 10-foot dent in the soil, as well.
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Pat then breathed in Parker's face and Parker fell down, unconscious.
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The MT (as they finally had decided to call themselves, after the
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Mutated Two) then went home and made wild passionate love.
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The BT was gone for now, but they'd be back; the MT knew it.
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Chapter IX: The Great Battle
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"Hiiii--yah! Hi-yah!" were the sounds that came from the FT (now
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the Fabulous Three, since HeeKi the Oriental Wizard had joined the
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team) HQ that day as HeeKi chopped boards in half, preparing for the
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FT's conflict with the MT.
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That afternoon, the FT met in front of Pat's outhouse. "Come out
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with your tentacles up!" yelled Mr M. As Pat and Dan came out, HeeKi
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immediately jump-kicked Pat in the gut. Dan then stepped on HeeKi
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(although HeeKi packed a punch, his weakness was that, as he was only
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4 millimeters tall, he could not reach much higher than the pelvic area
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of any human-related organism), but the kick that Pat received
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had triggered a reaction: Pat released a giant burp.
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When the FT woke up, they were lying in hospital beds. The first
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attack the new FT took against the new MT had ended in defeat and
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failure... but there would be others. There was no question about that.
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Chapter X: Metamorphosis
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"Look, I've told you a million times: Keep your damn toenail
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clippings out of my coffee, Pat!"
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"I'm sorry, Dan, but if you'd stop shaving your butthairs over my
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Frosted Mini-Wheats, we wouldn't have this problem!"
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"Ya know, Pat.... You're a big clump of Athlete's Foot!"
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"That's IT!" yelled Pat in reply. Pat pulled Dan's (do not forget
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that Dan is a living shoe) shoelace and untied it. Dan abruptly fell
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into a coma. Pat fell to his knees and began to weep. "What have I
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done? What have I done?!"
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Chapter XI: Pat's Weakness
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There was a knock at the door of FT HeadQuarters. "I'll get it,"
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said Mr G. He opened the door. "Pat, what are you doing here?!"
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"I know that you have mystical powers, so will you please please
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please please pleeease bring my friend Dan out of his coma?"
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"Only if you give me your golden blue calculator."
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Pat thought about this and then replied, "Would you rather have my
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chocolate milk at lunch?" Mr G knew that Pat would rather let Dan die
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than give up his Golden Blue Calculator.
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"Agreed," replied Mr G. "Now I shall cast my spell! ..Hejo Nethes
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Moro; restore Pat's friend, the mighty Living Shoe!" Pat ran out the
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door and went home.
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Chapter XII: The Crow of Nike
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When Pat got home, he searched all over for Dan. He was nowhere to
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be found. All of a sudden, Pat heard "Caw!" from the closet. He ran
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over there, opened the door, and got pecked in the head 416 times by
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Dan, who was now the Crow of Nike. "Can you talk?" Pat asked Dan.
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"Caw! Yes!"
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"This is great! Now you can fly over enemy territory and spy! And
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you can also drop natural fiber missiles!"
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"You're sick, Pat."
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Chapter XIII: The Second Battle
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Later, after the MT had tested out their new ..ahem.. weapon....
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the Bloated Two showed up, and they were ready for a new fight. Dan
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was trying to figure out whether to peck them to death, or drop
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missles, when they charged.
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The BT immediately began bouncing, and crushed Dan and Pat like
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pancakes. But, with his crowlike powers, Dan had also achieved
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immortality. He found a hole in Pat (who knows where), stuck his beak
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in, and blew him up.
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They were again a team, and went off to whip the BT. First, Dan
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popped Parker, and the amazing explosion whacked Pat into his
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accomplice, and the entire BT was gone forever. (Simple, wasn't it?)
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(Note that Parker was a ghost, and that Dave was a ten-ton ball
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of hay. Each could easily find their way back to Patrick.)
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Chapter XIV: Reloading Time
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Pat and Dan were somewhat discouraged-- they now had no more
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playthings. They were all blown up after the Second Battle. There was
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an uneasy air about them that told them that destruction was near.
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But they would not give up. Pat continued to feed Dan shoelaces and
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birdseed, and Dan built up his supply of NFMs, or Natural Fiber
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Missiles. Finally, the time came when it was meant for them to decide.
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Chapter XV: Pat and Dan Realize the Truth
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After a heated argument with Dan about who was the weirder, Pat
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sat down and sighed. "You're right, Dan. I'm a geek. A nerd. A slashed
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up bear. What can I say?"
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"No... You're right. I'M the idiot. I should be put in a birdcage.
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You carry on with your life. Watch those Frosted Mini-Wheats.
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Seeya around sometime."
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"Wait!! ....We're both geeks. Let's surrender to the FT." Dan
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agreed.
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Chapter XVI: The Confrontation of Ryan Rivarera
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"Sh! ..Do you hear that, Dan?"
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"I certainly do, Pat. It's your mom calling you."
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"No! It's something even worse.. LOOK!"
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They peeked in a side window of the FT's castle. And screamed. Then
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fainted.
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Pat and Dan woke up in their own shack. "I just had THE WEIRDEST
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dream."
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"Wait'll you hear MINE...."
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Chapter XVII: The Beginning of an End
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"Destroy it! It's uncontrollable! It could kill us all!" said the
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angry scientist.
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"It's too late; he's too large!!" screamed another. "And he's
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already stolen my collection of PlayGirl magazines!"
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"Watch out! He's raving again!! ...Let's get outta here!!"
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Chapter XVIII: The Third and Final Battle
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"Throw it here, Dan!" said Pat. Pat and Dan were playing their
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usual game of throwing a rather large piece of Dan-Crap [<C> 1993].
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"What's that smell?!" Dan said limburgerey.
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What appeared to be a combination of the Blob, a bearded lady from
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the circus, and a two-headed hermaphidite appeared on the scene.
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"What the hell are you, you freak?!" Pat said, mindlessly
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forgetting that he himself is a freak.
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"I am Ryan Rivarera, the product of a cross between a donkey and a
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pencil sharpener - a science experiment gone bad, like Doc
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Frankenstien's monster or McDonald's Ronald."
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"Well, not for long! C'mon, right now, freak!!"
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Thus began - and ended - the final downfall of the first Patrick.
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Author's Note: Prepare Yourselves, Earthlings!
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Wow. We finally finished it. After almost two years, the Chronicles
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of Pat is FINISHED. Amazing. Now all I need is for someone to delete
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this file. Well, I'm not letting THAT happen. I'll destroy all my
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Frosted Mini-Wheats, and keep a set of Dan's shoelaces by the
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keyboard.
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Oh. You're here. Well, it's about time. ..Anyway, what I wanted to
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tell you was that there are STILL MORE PATS out there! (The Pat that
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this story centered about is still alive, although not well... He's 14
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years old and lives in central New Jersey.)
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Be CAREFUL! If you encounter one, don't let him get you anywhere
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NEAR a cactus, or his mom's armpits, for that matter.
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Report it immediately to us. You may receive a small prize. (Yeah,
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like a HeeKi emblem or some crap like that.)
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Well, there's really nothing more to say. We hope you liked the
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short story... (really lame ending) See you around!
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Also, look for our latest work in the near future-- The CHRoNiCLES
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of PaT! ][ : The Next Era!
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- Your Dedicated Authors
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